Well, this is my first time ever posting on here. I'm 26 years old and been married for 6 years. My wife has recently told me that she has fallen in love with a man she has been talking to online. She plans on moving out and start a life of her own. When she first told about this affair she was very sorry. She claimed that it's just something that happened and she was very sorry to hurt me. She said she loved me very much but just couldn't explain her feelings for him. As time passed i was going crazy over the thought of this happening. All she has done since then while still living here has made me literally sick and we've had some pretty heated arguments. It has made me stoop down to a very low level. I have kicked her out twice. Both times feeling guilty and asking her to come back. Other times i was so mad and only wanted to make her feel what i was feeling and wanted payback. During all of this she has grown very cold and hates me. She now blames me for everything thats happening. It went from being no ones fault to all mine. The marriage falling apart, her growing close to someone else, and everything else in between. At times i would actually feel guilty but have come to realize that it's just excuses that make her feel less guilty about her affair. I have always been faithfull, always been a provider, a good father , and gave them both all i had. I no longer feel like i'm the blame. I miss her so much. I love her more than words could ever explain. My life has been turned upside down by this. She was once very loving and caring. I would be lying if i were to say she was a bad mother, or wife. She was great. She was my best friend. She could care less about me now. She has grown very cold and distant. She meets with him now and then and is happier than ever. She is still living here till she can gather enough money to get a place of her own. We don't see each other much and don't talk when we do. <BR>I have appoligized for all the bitterness and fighting since she told me. I realize that theres nothing i can do and payback is not an option. The bottom line is that i love her. I will always love the women who'm i shared my life with for 6 + years. She no longer exists and i'm very sad. How someone can turn on you like this i'll never understand. I would never in my life put her throufh what she's putting me through. A big part of my heart will never be the same, ever. I've chosen to remain civil for the sake of my daughter and stay out of her way. She will be moving soon and i'm forced to go on without her. We have agreed that my daughter will remain with me in her best interest. I can't afford to lose her too. She works nights and i work days. She will be here with her while i'm at work so things remain the same as can be for my daughter. We are both great parents and thats very important. Still, things will forever be different without mom around. Things just aren't happy around here anymore. I miss my wife very much. I lost the best friend i ever had. I am nothing to her anymore and that hurts very bad. I spend lots of time with my daughter and miss being a complete family. She asks lots of questions about mom and it breaks my heart. I caqn't believe this is happeneing to us. <BR>She has found lots of excuses for all of this, but one day i believe she will see the truth. I believe she will realize she made a big mistake. It will be much to late then. I hope by then i have found someone who can appreciate me for who i am. She will then feel all that i'm feeling today, and that in itself will speak louder than words. I feel like the person i loved has died in a way. I grieve over that every day. <BR>THanx for listening to my story................<BR> Fernando

Fernando,<P>First of all, let me say how very sorry I am for you and your wife and your daughter. Life has so many wrong turns and detours, and when one like this catches us by surprise......it really hurts.<P>Just to let you know....and I can only speak for myself, but I said some pretty horrible things to my ex after discovery. About 2 weeks after finding out.....things started getting really bad. The confusion, hurt, anger and heartache can make you do and say some pretty hurtful things. If and when depression sets in....boy your mind can play some horrible tricks on you.<P>Try to slow down and think before you speak. Since you hardly see her....maybe you could leave little "love" notes for her or little presents, like flowers. Anything to show her that you still love her. I'm sure you can remember when you were dating and all those little things you would say or do.<P>Don't get discouraged....many WS are very sorry at the beginning but start to shift the blame. It is pretty normal to hear them say this stuff. <P>Take care of yourself and your daughter. And plan A your wife to death.<P>Nancy

Well Nancy, i want to thank you for the reply. It feels good to hear from someone who's been there. As for the advice you gave, i have tried. Since overcoming the stages of bitterness i realized thats what i had to do, just show her how much i love her.<BR>She's only gotten further away. There is nothing there. I have written her letters, bought her some gifts, and have told her repeatedly just how much i love her. She has seen me cry now more times than our own daughter has in 3 years, and it means nothing. If i mention the topic to her at all, she gets aggrevated and says i don't want to talk about it, so i can't talk to her. If i write her a letter, i get no reply. She walks around singing and spends weekends away to be with him. Your advice was great, only i have tried and failed. She uses the excuse of kicking her out, and getting in contact with the "other" man, and all the other things i've done as permanent damage. She's a smart women and i know she knows better than to think thats even part of my normal behavior. I know deep inside she knows she would do even worse, but i guess it makes it easier when you have someone to blame. Thanx for the kind reply Nancy............

Fernando,<P>PLEASE go to the Emotional Needs section of the forum and also read up on and immediately instill the infamous "Plan A". <P>I am not in an infidelity situation, but I think if you read some people's posts who are, you will agree that your situation is maybe not as hopeless as you think!!!<P>Plan A is the ticket right now for you! Good luck!!

Fernando,<P>Ditto to Nancy's reply...<P>First thing....try to break up you posts into paragraphs, it makes it a lot easier to read...<P>Now...Do you have a copy of,<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A> by Dr. Willard Harley It is our bible so to speak...<P>Familiarise yourself with the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A> specificly <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A>...These will explain the fundimentals of trying to repair your marriage....<P>Have you started counceling?<P>If not I would suggest Steve Harley or Jennifer Harley-Chambers(sp?) They are experts in surviving an affair...<P>Also if you have hope or want to attempt reconciliation, try posting on the Infidelity boards. Most everyone here are veterans of those boards, however cerconstances being what they are we are now on the Divorce board....You are welcome here of course...<P>We can't make you pain go away but we can tell you how we survived this nightmare...<P>I am 10 months post discovery, and am enjoying a life better than I have ever known...6 short months ago I did not see an end in sight...I have a tremendous support group in a recovery fellowship....I also have made some wonderful friends here on the internet, I cannot tell you the grattitude I feel towards them, I love them more than alot of my real world friends...Come here to dump, ask questions and use us as a sounding board.....<P>Post.....post...post...reply....reply....reply...<P>Hang in there it will get better I promise...<P>I Love You Brother,<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR><P>May the roads rise to meet you,<BR>May the winds always be at your back,<BR>May the sun shine warm upon your face,<BR>The rains fall soft upon your fields,<BR>And until we meet again,<BR>May god hold you<BR>In the hollow of his hand.

Fernando,<BR>You will recieve a lot of good advice here. Please follow it. And read and work on improving yourself. <P>A word of warning. While Plan Aing, don't "smother" your wife as it will only serve to drive her away. Also don't beg/plead. She will take this as a sign of weakness and give her further reasons for separating from you.<P>You may want to post on the Just Found Out BB as there are more people going through what you are. Most of us here were unsuccessful in saving our marriages. You have a long way to go before you have to worry about that.<P>Hang in there and God Bless.<P>Bob

Thank you all so much for the great support.<P>As for our situation, i don't think there's any hope. I'm very sad to say that. <P>I have tried everything. There is no room for me in her life or in her heart anymore.<P>I'm tired, and i'm hurt. I can't go on like this much longer. <P>Finnancialy, things have gone to hell. Me and my daughter live off my income alone now and it just ain't cutting it. I'm on the verge of loosing my home. <P>Every morning before i leave for work, i walk in her room and just stare at her sleeping. Sometimes i kiss her on the cheek and tell her how much i love her.<BR>It's so hard.<P>I miss my wife so, so much. <P>I don't have much time tonight so i will post again tommorow.<P>Thanx again so much for listening. <BR>This is a great place.........

Bob is right.....you probably will get so much good advice if you post on the general questions or just found out board.<P>My marriage failed.<P>For many.....Plan A was a great success. My ex also was pushed further away by plan A. The more I tried....the more I failed.<P>I am sorry. This is very painful. I am thinking of you and hope that everything works out.<P>Nancy

Fernando,<BR>Your post sounds like something I could have written about my own situation.Keep posting,this is like a family here where you will find understanding,strength,and support.bethn

Hi everyone.........<P> We spoke last night when she got home from work for quite some time. We said nothing about our situation, just spoke of whatever. <P> When it was time for bed (the couch for me), i just gave her a hug and held her for a minute. I then sent a text message to her cell phone saying......<BR> I Love You<BR> Goodnight........ <P> Tonight we spoke for a bit again.<BR> As she was leaving my room, i reached out to hug her again. This time she knew it was coming. Before i could get my hands around her for more than a sec., she said "don't do anything your gonna regret". <P> My heart sank. This is the coldness i can't understand. I didn't grab her! I didn't try and force it. It killed me.<P> She rejects every attemp i make to show i love her. It's getting harder to show my love for someone who does nothing but hurt.<P> I love and miss the person she was, not the person she's become. i don't know what to say to her anymore. All i can think the whole time we talk is, this is the person thats doing this to me. It's so hard to understand.<P> Is this resentment? Why do i feel worse? Is this when you know plan A isn't working? <P> Thanx for listening .......