Ok...here goes the rollercoaster and merry-go-round simultaniously. Finding out various lies that the W has been telling for months. Contact she has had with another convicted coke addict, that she has been drinking secretly.........on and on and on.<P>I found out this weekend from several sources that my stbx wife has been seen at several "motor cycle gang" gatherings. These are the type that some people associate with bike riders (tho my dad rides a harley and he doesnt do this crap) tents, alcohol, sex, drugs, sex, drugs, pass the woman around kinda sex and drugs. Yes, it upsets me deeply to think of her bein used like that!<P>I have been informed by several community members that the OM is an alcoholic and coke dealer/user, and really a bad egg all around. <P>Things are becoming very clear now. Past behaviors, and how she walked out and never looked back. I know they talk about the OM being an addiction in itself, but add REAL addictions, and you have an even BIGGER MESS! I talked to several old friends in Dallas, one of which is a recovering herione addict (clean 15 years!) She is also an NA counselor. She offered up that everything the wife has done, is "text book addict off the wagon" behavior.<P>Last night I went to my first ALANON meeting, and plan to continue to go, as it was supportive, informative, and I think it will utlimately help ease the pain.<P>She has missed work. Her boss called me yesterday looking for her as she neither called in or planned the day off and he had no number to call her. Hell, I gave him the number!<P>I called where she was Sunday night and the OM went bizirk, screaming and cussing and threatened "I will KILL you, you MF!" etc, etc etc.........I hung up, and called the police and asked them if I was doing anything wrong by trying to contact my wife by the only number I had. They said as long as I was not threatening or harassing, I was fine. <BR>Since then she has tried to file charges against me, but the police have turned her away.<P>I feel deeply sorry for her, but know now I cannot do anything else to help her. I reconize the hatefulness from when she was drinking when we first met. She was capable of being a truly mean mean person, and aparantly still is while under the influence.<P>Please say a prayer for her that she will find her way. I know she will have to hit rock bottom, and I will not be the one to pick her up this time. I am going on with my life. She is a very messed up person, and I am no longer willing to suffer the rest of my life to help her or wait for her to become "WHOLE" However, I will always love her and I pray that someday she finds true peace and happiness, not the kind of "HAPPY" that the OM is currently offering her.<P>Please pray for me too, that I stay strong and committed to healing myself, and that I do not chase anymore FedEx trucks! LOL<P>Ben<BR>

Ben,<P>I will pray for you...<P>Do stay away from those FedEX trucks...<BR>...they can be vicious (especially around the holiday season)<P>One more thing...<BR>...before you call your W again... get a tape recorded and phone attachment (Radio Shack)...<BR>...this is not for you to agonize about her and her new lifestyle...<BR>...but to protect you...<P> <P>Jim

Ben,<P>As usual, Jim gave great advice!! I had to use the phone recorder for a while too and my lawyer was glad I did. <P>As far as your wife, you are dealing with a lot right now. I don't know that she may be passed around and used, her boyfriend sounds awful possesive and maybe even violent. (Symptom of drug abuse).<P>I dealt with my ex's drug and alcohol abuse for 9 out of 11 years. You know what, it was a long hard road but he made it. There are a lot of ups and downs and with him having this affair I think he is in danger of a relapse. Bill (William J) knows about these problems too.<P>If you truly love your wife (and I know you do), one day you really can help her. It takes a lot of strength and a lot of falling down and getting back up and trying again . Its very painful to watch someone you love transform into someone totally different both physically and mentally.<P>The al-anon was a good place to go. I never went to those and always wondered what they were like.<P>Just remember, you can't help a person who doesn't want to be helped, they have to WANT to help themselves, or WANT your help. Right now it sounds like she doesn't. She may hit rock bottom and one day ask for her help. But in the meantime be careful with the contact with OM , it doesn't sound like a good or safe situation.<P>Hang in there, Dana<BR>

UPDATE: as I am typing this I am waiting on the sherrifs department to come take a statement.<P>This morning, as I was leaving for work, I stopped at my mailbox to forward some of her mail. Inside the box was a partial round of bullets. Nice eh? The rest were sprinkled on the ground around and by the mailbox.<P>The sherrifs department said I could have a crimanal tresspass warrant placed on her if I wanted too.<P>I hate to do that, because in texas you cannot easily have it lifted, if you are to reconcile.<P>Nice way to start the day.

Dear Ben,<BR> God is so good to give us what we need. So happy to hear about your finding ALAnon. I started in that wonderful program 21 years ago. Today in AA I have 17 years &11mos clean & sober. It Does work. One day perhaps we can share & I'll tell you my story. As I read your post I thought this sounds like Alcohol & drug insanity. My H is clean & sober 8 years & 11mos we met in AA. Sometimes even sober people do what they want or need to do. Did you check out the other site I suggested?<BR>Remember this disease is cunning baffulling & powerful only one has all power & that is God my you find him now. Taken from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. It appears you taken this import first step in your recovery and the paradox is in her recovery as well. What they told me when I got to AA/AlAnon is I only had to change one thing. Cool I can do that. The one thing is Everything about me. LOL Only God & I can do that. I don't know why I was drawn to your post except God must have a reason. If you care to share one on one Please feel free to let me know & we can email if you like. This is a we deal not an I deal. You & W are in my prayers. Let Go & Let God.<P>

I spent 18 months in a co-addict group in order to better deal with my divorce and some of the situations/circumstances related to it. It was a very healing thing and it helped me better see my role and what I could or could not fix. <P>I whole-heartedly recomment AA based 12-step groups. Congratulations on taking the plunge.<P>You're going to be ok. It may not be easy but you can make it through this and be ok.

Thank you all for the support<P>Gyspy, I would very much like to communicate via email.<P>My email addy is:<P>zoo6472@worldnet.att.net<BR>for now, I will be changing it soon, but I can email you new addy when I do.<P>Thanks,<BR>Ben

Ben,<P>I know where you are comming from....<P>I'll e-mail you...<P>Bill

Well the MIA STBX was seen Sunday on the back of a motorcycle with the OM. So, apparantly, she was not thrown out of his place, as she told her employer. As of today, she still did not show up to work or call in. I guess she is about to get fired.<P>I am glad she is ok, however, it really hurts me to see how little she cares. It has been almost 3 weeks since I even heard from her at all, and have not recieved any kindness from her since she left over 5 weeks ago.<P>I do not understand how she can do this. I could never walk away and not ever look back.

As a police officer my best advice for you is to protect yourself. She is living a very dangerous, self destructive lifestyle that most folks can't even inagine. You are placing yourself in great danger by pursuing her. "Plan B" her from this point on, use a phone recorder on your phone, put an alarm on your car (hate to find dope planted in it wouldn't you?), ask the folks across the street to watch your house....and avoid contact. If she comes back you are in danger from the OM....it's not worth it.<P>------------------<BR>

good advice from the polce officer. Ben plan B & 123 & wing it. I know it hurts. My H contacted me last night there is no one else but he is an angry man. One day I will get more into my story. The main thing is I must let go & let God. My suggestion to you is the same<BR><P>------------------<BR>Gypsy