Today it has been four months since my wife moved out of the house. After 9 years of marriage and two kids, she wanted out. She wanted out of the responsibility of being a wife to me and out of the responsibility of being a mother to our sons (7 & 8). <BR>Our marriage was not bad. I was not abusive or neglective. I was supportive, understanding and affectionate. I was loyal and I kept my vows. I do not have a drinking or a drug problem. She just 'fell out of love with me'. <P>Initially I was numb to the events surrounding me. Then I became very angry and bitter. I started to make progress in the beginning of July, but my feelings of anger and bitternes have become very strong in the last few days. <P>I do not understand the actions and motivations of my selfish wife that appears to be going through a mid-life crisis. I detest her cowardish actions. I detest her breaking our vows. <P>Last year, She(we) promised our boys that we would always be together. Our sons still bring this up several times a week that we have broken our promise. I want to take the high road, but sometimes, I'd love to tell them the truth that their mother is a selfish adultress. I have good so far, but I don't know if I can continue much longer with not talking bad about their mother. <P>How do you other dumpees deal with the anger and the bitterness? <BR>

Skamin,<P>First off DON'T tell your boys that stuff...they don't need to hear it! This isn't their problem or issue...it is between YOU and YOUR WIFE!<P>I had the same EXACT thing happen to me about three months ago...(I don't have kids though)...though we've had issues for a year and a half. She said "I can't stay in this relationship"<P>THIS IS HARD!!!!!!!!!!! There is no doubt about it...I KNOW! But you must keep your wits about you for YOURSELF and for those boys! DON'T give up. Instead, READ, LEARN and PARTICIPATE/INTERACT with people on here!<P>DON'T lose it NOW. There are some GREAT things to learn from these people on here! There is FUN, constructive feedback and you WILL get some major boosters from this MB "crew"<P>The first thing to do is take a step back, take a deep breath and remember that it isn't over! YOU WILL go through peaks, valleys and even lower and higher points through this!<P>If SHE is having a mid life crisis YOU need to talk to her about getting help!<P>IS SHE having an Emotional or Physical affair? How long has she felt distant? What are some of the DIRECT things she tells you<P>I would assume you have sought professional help? TOGETHER?<P>Just remember...LEAVE those boys out of it...they need to see YOU strong, NOT FIRM and saying things bad about their mom. This isn't their fault. I am sure they hurt enough that she isn't at home. Don't make it worse.<P>BREATH!!!!!!!<P>THINK!!!!!!!!<P>SORT OUT YOUR THOUGHTS!!!!!!<P>and Be gentle with your boys about this<P>Most of all...keep your head up, this can get better if YOU take the "bull by the horns" and keep calm and talk to her like your wife...not the lost woman she seems to be right now<P>Hand in there. YOU WILL GET HELP HERE<P>Drew <p>[This message has been edited by Blue Drew (edited August 01, 2000).]

Drew:<BR>Thanks for your reply.<P>She says that she has thought about divorce for a few years, but she never mentioned it to me. IMO, we had a pretty good relationship, but she didn't see it the same way.<P>The boys are in counseling. I am in counseling. I am taking anti-depressents and going to a divorce support group. She refuses to go to counseling - she has already done that. According to her, there is no reason for her to go for counseling. Working on reconciliation was also out of the question. Going to joint counseling was also not an option.<P>I have tried to talk to her as a grown adult and as my wife (most of the time - I have exploded a few times), but she is adamant in her position that she doesn't know how to come back.<P>I continue to pray for her as well as praying for myself and the boys.<P>Thanks for your input.<P>Steve

Steve,<BR>I am glad that glad that at the very least YOU and the BOYS are in counseling...and as long as you keep your calm you can be the "driver" in this episode in your lives!<P>Read (if you haven't) how to Plan A, It will show you how to approach her in a calm cool and collect way, lead her OR guide her back to you. If youwant this marriage to work you DO need to be the proactive one. And if you get mad, PO'd or bummed out...SORT your thoughts first, don't lose it cause that is a HUGE love buster for sure!<P>I wish you the best. Keep them boys "protected" from the negativity that YOU feel about this! They have their OWN issues to deal with during this! No need to add more to their plate at all!<P>Hang tough. I would venture a guess (I hope) that there will be others reply to ya!<P>Drew

Welcome <B>Steve</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>You don't have to give up...<BR>...not right away.<P>Read my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>Welcome</A> post...<BR>...and consider, like a few of us, it's not over yet.<P> <P>Jim

Hi Steve,<P>Welcome to the board! You came to the right place. You will find lots of support and learn a great deal here.<P>Its hard to let go of bitterness. I was that way, but I only let it control me a short time. I have a lot of friends who are bitter over things and I see how it brings them down.<P>It takes time. It hurts to be told those things and I can't imagine it. My ex still maintains he loves me, but then again, thats just as bad as someone not loving you. I can't make up my mind which is worse. TO be hurt by someone who loves you, or to be told your not loved.<P>Take time to decide what you truly want here. You can still try to save your marriage if thats what you want to do. You'll find a lot of great support and ideas for that here.<P>If you decide to move on a different path, it takes a lot of strength and forgiveness to get over that bitterness. It is one of the most difficult things I ever did. Was to forgive. To let go. To face the fact that my marriage was over and I had to make the best of it or let it destroy me.<P>You'll find what's best for you too. Be strong and have faith! <P>Dana<BR>

Steve,<P>Sorry to find you here.<BR>Anger/bitterness is just one of the many emotions you will pass through. I know, I'm back to bitterness/resentment myself and I have been divorced 6 months.<P>You must pass through all these emotions being careful not to dwell too long in any of them. <P>You are doing the right things, going to counseling, having the kids in counseling, and you taking the anti-deps, these steps will help you get thru all this.<P>Please don't drag your kids into this. It is their mother and they will protect her no matter what in most cases. Just explain that each of you love them very much and that its you two that are having the problem.<P>There is book that helped me get thru some of the steps, it is "Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends." by Dr. Bruce Fisher.<P>Hang in there and God Bless.<P>p.s. Praying alot helps too!!!!!

Steve,<P>Just checkin' in to see how your feeling today is all. Feel a bit better at all???<P>DON'T GIVE UP...as NSR said...You don't have to give up yet!<P>Drew

Drew:<P>What can I do?<P>She has told me that she does not love me anymore and that she is not coming back.<P>There is nothing that I can do.<P>Thanks!<P>Steve

Steve,<P>I do know how you feel!<P>Although it was my H/stbx.....that said those same things and after 6 months moved out!<P>I know that for me........and this is very sad to say but.....when he was still living w/us (have to wonderful kids)....I would have died to the bitter end to keep this marriage together!But w/him gone my life is really much easier w/out him!.......he really was not around much anyway so the transition of him not living here was really no big deal.....(I know that is really sad!)<P>You have come to the conclusion for your self if you trully love this women,and want to spend the rest of your life w/her.....than you need to fight to the bitter end......and do everything that you can to be able to reach her!<P>Which means reading everthing you can here!<P>I will be glad to help in any way I can!<P>Hang in there!<P>Gina <P><P>------------------<BR>"If we deny love that is given to us,if we refuse to give love because we fear pain or loss,then our lives will be empty,our loss greater!"-----Anonymous----

Drew:<P>Unfortunately, a few months ago, I exploded. I did not read Plan A until after I made myself 'unattractive' to her and thus making her new lover more attractive.<P>Does this mean I have to go to Plan B? And how do I deal with her requests to get moving with the paperwork for the divorce?<P>Thanks!<BR>Steve<P>p.s. Boy do I wish I knew of Plan A in late May/early June!<P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Blue Drew:<BR><B>Steve,<BR>I am glad that glad that at the very least YOU and the BOYS are in counseling...and as long as you keep your calm you can be the "driver" in this episode in your lives!<P>Read (if you haven't) how to Plan A, It will show you how to approach her in a calm cool and collect way, lead her OR guide her back to you. If youwant this marriage to work you DO need to be the proactive one. And if you get mad, PO'd or bummed out...SORT your thoughts first, don't lose it cause that is a HUGE love buster for sure!<P>I wish you the best. Keep them boys "protected" from the negativity that YOU feel about this! They have their OWN issues to deal with during this! No need to add more to their plate at all!<P>Hang tough. I would venture a guess (I hope) that there will be others reply to ya!<P>Drew </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Steve,<P>NO you don't have to Plan B. Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner.<P>But I am two weeks post "paper signing" and even though emotionally it is very hard to "BE IN CONTACT, and GOOD" I still Plan A her!<P>The main thing is to find a niche' with her that can you can put back in your Love Bank, but be careful NOT to overdo it cause that could take away points. Hard to do, but just be yourself, with extra "caution" Ask how she is, what she has been doing, and LISTEN very close. Break down her replies to you and let her feel that you DO genuinly care and LOVE her!<P>I can see it is hard, but you CAN'T lose it again, when you feel yourself losing it, CONTROL yourself!<P>If you really want to get her back it will take alot of work on YOUR part, she isn't going to do it for you! Make a Plan for yourself to approach her, and just strike up a real conversation, like I said, ask her things and REALLY LISTEN...COmmunication is the BIGGEST thing by far right now...and always should be!<P>You can do this...YOU know her BETTER then the OM, reach down and give it a go! <P>Good Luck Steve! <P>Drew