A year has gone by already for me and my ex tells me that he finalized our divorce on June 1st. I haven't received any paper work.<BR>I have been spending oudles of time with him since the end of Feb. Only to get beat up a couple times, find out he has been in a relationship only 2 months after we split, took her to mexico, niagara falls, shoppping trips, and bought her a thousand dollar dianmond necklace after 4 months of knowing her. He started with her a year ago, our year of separation was up in June 2000. He over the past 5 months has been unsuccesfully trying to tell me he isn't with her, i would see them together or her number on his call display when he would ask me over, her personal things in the house and he tried very hard even still to make me believe he isn't with her. She has even seen him and i together. BBQing at his house or standing out front of my house. He always looked like the cat that swallowed the canary after realizing he just got seen by "the other woman" I have blame i asked him to separate mid-april of 1999. We were fighting and i started having major problems with things we were doing. Such as buying a new home and trying to have a baby. So i went back on birth control and asked to separate, for 3 days. He wanted a formal agreement, understanding his concerns i agreed because he owns a business and i didn't want him thinking that i was shafting him, i was simply confused. He now has moved back in with this woman and explained that she gets excited to hear his voice and jumps at the chance to be with him. My only defence of coarse is that i have 10 years a history with him some which are serious issues i wanted to feel comfortable not forced into anything. But i tried to reassure him by telling him I AM HERE FOR YOU. I guess he felt i rejected him again.

Welcome <B>rtn</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Is there anyway you can move in back with him?...<BR>Let him know that you don't want the divorce?...<P>...in a word.... do what we call <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>!<P>Having been separated for so long make this a bit difficult...<BR>...staying separated makes it that much harder...<P>...but consider being fully honest with him... and say in no uncertain terms...<BR>...you wish to make the marriage work again!<P> <P>Jim

Jim,<BR>I told him back at the end of February that i wanted to work on our marriage. He was surprised and we began sharing time together. Only for me to find out a couple days later that he had another woman staying at our house,now his house, periodically. Aparrently he started seeing her in september and by the time i came back full force in search of us, he already took this woman places and moved all kinds of clothes into her house. I have spent the past 5 months trying to show him i want him, and told him the truth in pieces not all at once , as i do not or did not fully understand what i was going through and feeling last year when i asked to separate mid april of 1999. He continued to see me and this other woman for the past 5 months and has told me recently that he can't get over the issue of me leaving or possibly leaving him again so he has chosen her. He would lie when i would confront him on whether or not he was spending time with her. I knew he was because i would see his car at her place or vice versa. <BR>Further more, he told me a month ago that he was going to give us a straight six months and if he had bad feelings he wouldn't let anyone else in to be true to us. He still spent time with her. Once again he brought clothes over to her place and last night she stayed with him.(i have to pass his house to get our daughter to childcare) <BR>I resent his lies and broken promises.<BR>The other thing is that Rick was hitting me and i filed assault charges against him. He called her to get him out of jail and give him a ride home.<BR>The police came to my house the other day telling me this woman is accusing me of calling her and harrassing her over the past couple of weeks. So, i told the police my story and then told them to check my phone records for proof i am not harrassing her.<BR>Nothing else came of that.<BR>

I can't help but say you absolutely don't need a man that hits you. Not even once. Lose him. There is no excuse, no reason, none whatsoever to justify his hitting you. Let him beat the crap out of her and you just do your own thing - and maybe someday you'll find a decent man who would never lay a hand on a woman. I don't know if you have children - but a man like that would abuse the children too and then what would you do? Just sit there and watch him use his fists on your babies? No way. I know your feelings are mixed up and you think you love him. Lose him. You'll be better off.

((((rtn)))) cyber hugs....<P>rtn, weirded out is absolutely correct, no one, NO ONE has the right to hit you!!! <P>Get out and get out now!!<P>okay.....now here is what you need to do....call this number, it is to a national domestic abuse hotline.....1-800-799-SAFE.....they will listen to you and give you advice on how to reach someone in your local area that can help you....<P>Since you filed assault charges is there a Victim's Assistance Program in your state that will help you with counseling?? Our state provides that free of charge to domestic abuse victims....(using it myself)<P>usually physical assaults are accompanied by verbal, emotional, and financial abuse another website for information on that is <A HREF="http://www.drirene.com" TARGET=_blank>www.drirene.com</A> very helpful.<P>if you need someone to talk to my e-mail addy is stilldreamin@hotmail.com <P>take care

rtn,<P>I am basicly 60 days from being able to finalise my divorce. I am counting the days. My life is ten fold better than it was a year ago. How can this be? Let me tell you....I have done an [censored]-load of work to myself...I tried to figure out what my part in the demise of my marriage was. I realise now what some of those things were. Then I work daily on doing something positive for myself, the most important being prayer.<P>I have also realised that my happiness doesn't come from another person. It comes from the well-being I feel inside myself. I took anti-dep. medication for 6 months but I realised that proper diet and exercise worked much better.<P>Letting go was the hard part. It took months to accept the fact that she didn't want me. Now that I have surrendered to the fact that my marriage is indeed over I have alot more serenity in my life. I know that I am in the care of God and he will provide everything I need, including a new wife and family.<P>I must add that I did not want to divorce my W after her affair however, it has come to that and I am moving on with alot of hope for my future.<P>Hang in there I promise it will get a whole lot better.<P>The others are right about ZERO tollerance toward abuse, you deserve better.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR><P>May the roads rise to meet you,<BR>May the winds always be at your back,<BR>May the sun shine warm upon your face,<BR>The rains fall soft upon your fields,<BR>And until we meet again,<BR>May god hold you<BR>In the hollow of his hand.

It isn't that i don't agree with what all of you have said. Trust me this has been a hard battle for me. I love Rick very deeply. We've spent such an extrodinary amount of time together. When i look at him I see him in a different light then one year ago. The very first time our fights started more than yelling, was in 1994 after buying our first house together. Before that we had the "normal yelling matches"...don't talk to me right now fights. Since "94 we have fought physically about 7 times since. In the past 6 months taking the majority. All of them were both of us fighting back and forth shoving yelling pushing and slapping in the body. It wasn't until these last 6 months that Rick hit me in the head..slapped. The last fight was completely all him nothing by me. I guess i am taken back because he acknowledges for the first real time that it wasn't right and actually felt helpless to help me get over it. I filed charges against him and he answers for these charges in september. We have done a great deal of talking since then. I don't know where we stand still, he says he wants us as a family unit again, but i have my doubts. Afterall i just went through the ruffest period...sharing him knowingly for the past 6 months with a woman i work with. He really hurt me 2 weeks ago when we decided not to further our relationship. He kept telling me that he loves me but can't get over my betrayal a year ago when i had a one night stand a month before he was court ordered out of the house. I'm no saint but i feel his deception is more damaging. I mean at least we agreed to separate and where what was going when mine occurred. Not to mention i felt like complete and utter trash for doing it. (unplanned)<BR>ANYWAY he had her here again for 2 dys saying that his brother wanted to get his hair dyed so they called her. She didn't have to sleep over! Besides they have an Aunt that does hair. So how stupid does he really think i am? <BR>Today we went boating, he refers to the boat as ours and waited to take it out for the first time with me and our daughter as opposed to his brothers. It really meant so much to me that he waited for me to get off work to share this first launch and experience with me. He also told me that today was the first time that he didn't feel anger over all the equity being gone. That he felt no anger towards me what so ever. That he just missed me and couldn't wait for me to come home from work to go boating.<BR>I'm still worried that he is yanking my chain and i want us to goto church together to strengthen our faith and bond. <BR>I would be a liar if i said that i hope to pull things back into harmony in a positive light.<BR>As far as the counselling some of you recommended...been there done that and changed the group so yup still there, thank you.<BR>I have issues myself to work on, such as proper expression of anger and more subtle ways of communication not controlling conversation.<BR>Just as he recognizes he has to work on communicating and relaxing not hitting and self expression without being overbearing...or threatening to the others self esteem.....ummm recongizing the others needs.<P>read you all later have a great week.!!!

I'm a little put out.<BR>I was WRONG<BR>I thought Rick was being serious<BR>but he failed to come here tonight.<BR>Get this after leaving a message<BR>on my pager to call him and that<BR>he loves me and is thinking of me.<BR>LOSER<BR>This man uses people up and doesn't care about the consequences.<BR>I recently gave a friend advice to think of <BR>herself first.<BR>Well it is time i took my own advice!<BR>I'm going to think of my daughter and me first.<BR>I don't feel i deserve this treatment<BR>any longer.<BR>What kind of LOSER says he loves you and<BR>then breaks a promise?<BR>Okay i already know... the kind that i let get away with it.<P>A year ago i made a decision and it is time to stop looking back and reasoning why.<BR>I made it for a reason.<BR>I have asked he questions lately that he side stepped all the way.<BR>At least now i know he made his choice to be with this home wrecker! <BR>How could anyone respect or like a woman that interfere's in a reconcialition and..<BR>interfere's in his time with his child? <BR>Sorry for the rudeness but i needed to let off some steam.<BR>I can't stand a man with NO BACK BONE!!!!!<BR>I don't even think he knows what love is.....<BR>BUT that is his problem now.<BR>thankfully i can walk away and live a better life knowing i did everything to try to fix and when we were together i tried to stop the marriage from falling apart.<BR>I'm better then this.<BR>

<BR>Hello Everybody!<P>It has been awhile so just to catch you up.<BR>I am redecorating my house.<BR>I am playing volleyball this fall.<BR>Possible going back to sewing classes.<BR>I enrolled my daughter in swimming as she wants to be a life guard.<BR>I also enrolled in gynastics. We'll see what comes of it.<P>I wanted to reassure myself that i did the<BR>right thing and i know that i did.<BR>I feel so much better now because not having him around gives me a feeling of inner strength!<BR>I would be a liar if i said the idea of family isn't missed.<BR>BUT<BR>Yesterday after taking my daughter for dinner with a friend and ice cream. We were driving throught the area my ex and i were suppose to build our $250,000 home. IT DIDN'T BOTHER ME! I felt great knowing that i am a more stable person this way than with him.<P>Back in Feb. i found out my daughter had been abused. I went to my ex for support and it took me a month to get him. At that time i figured if i spend time with him and we get back together then i know that my daughter is safe.<P>HA hA<P>She was better off with me and going to counselling. <BR>Rick just abused her mentally.<BR>Rick yelled at Rebecca when she didn't want to take a bath that she was a dirty little girl and not to touch him and she wouldn't have any friends because she's ugly blah blah blah........<BR>I knew then that Rick would never change and Rebecca told me the other day that she wants me to have my friend move in and that we can have a baby sister for her and when she buys a home that she wants me to move in with her.<P>My happiness and her joy will always be my reward.<P>So i guess i am also proud of myself for realizing i am strong enough on my own to handle this situation for my daughter and myself without "taking someone else" for a ride.<P>I love myself and my life.<BR>Hope and love for all of you.

{{{{{{{{{RTN}}}}}}}<P>Welcome to the forum. I have been out of town and am joining in late.<P>It sounds like things are looking a little more positive for you?? <P>There are a few people who have been in abusive situations who haven't been along to post yet, but maybe you'll hear from them soon.<P>I was in an emotionally abusive situation, which I never realized for many years. Now I do, and I don't think highly of any man who abuses a woman in any way. I am stronger, healthier and more confident in my life, and I won't tolerate that kind of nonsense either.<P>Don't forget, you can ALWAYS do better than that, and you NEVER EVER deserve that. BE strong, and keep us posted. If you are in that situation, be sure to call that number that someone gave you up above. In the meantime, if you get into a confrontation, give him a swift and hard kick to the "BOYS" and he'll go down quick. I had to do it once, and never got bothered by him again.<P>Prayers and hugs, <BR>Dana<BR>

My friend told me recently that i now have the anwsers i was looking for. She's right.<BR>After spending six months with Rick i can see that he uses people for his own needs and really doesn't know how to address someone else's. He recently tried telling me that i don't adress his needs. I wanted to laugh and say "gee buddy try it for 10 years."<BR>If he would treat me with so little disregard so many times before aftre and during our relationship...than THAT would be a pattern! He is right about one thing, he isn't going to change. He sacrificed my daughter and i for his business and personal things. He tells everyone how happy he is now, geez when your happy do you go and advertise or do people notice. I am a little miffed but i realize too that, that is his life now and he is making choices that no longer affect me. Thank god. I tell my daughter the truth, when he fails to show i tell her that he was suppose to be here and when she wants to call him i let her, of coarse he never picks up or calls her back. She resents him, but next month IF he shows he'll buy her something or maybe the girlfriend will and my daughter will just resent him even more. <BR>I'm glad we didn't have more children together, he doesn't know how to be a good dad. She wants the one on one. The fool is missing out BID TIME. She'll remember everything and give it right back to him. He thinks because his girlfriend and him are buying a bid house and have money that there is happiness. I just shake my head because my daughter being raised by me doesn't look at money that way. She told me the other day "mom can we just watch a movie while i lay on your lap" So sweet! <BR>My weekend is just starting have a good one guys!<BR>Keep your chins up!

rtn:<P>You sound better. I hope you stay strong. I remember I couldn't stand the thought of losing my H so I tried so hard to keep him, but the night he left was also the first night I slept in a long time! Sometimes them leaving is not the worst thing in the world and you realize you can actually be happy with what you have. It's been an up and down thing tho for me - a few months ago I was incredibly strong and am now having trouble again since it's getting real close to my divorce and he has stopped seeing his boys or calling them very much.<P>The hitting means something is wrong. I don't believe that's a normal thing. Probably the only thing my H did good for my boys is teach them not to EVER hit a girl. I've seen my oldest son being tormented and hit by little bully girls - and he'll just take it because he refuses to hit them back. (I on the other hand would love to see him let one have it because he's only 8 but I know it's for the best that he backs off).<P>Your H has a major problem and needs help. I'm glad that you can stand on your own. My mother-in-law keeps telling me that I'll be better off and so will my boys without her son. Unbelievable, even she thinks he's a turd. Every day, I can see the truth of that. Your D needs you! Go take her out for ice cream or something.<P>------------------<BR><BR>Kathy

thank you kathy<BR>evryday isn't a strong one.<BR>infact sometimes i feel totally lost without him.<BR>the counsellor says this is when we, rick and i should talk more.<BR>she thinks that our marriage can be put back together.<BR>i wonder sometimes.<BR>This woman that he sees.<BR>May god help her!<BR>She'll take whatever crumb falls her way.<BR>although rick is very sneaky.<BR>i have a hard time putting faith into us sometimes.<BR>he manipulates every word to suit himself.<BR>I had a conversation with this woman the other night.<BR>hahahahaha<BR>rick manipulated her well!!!!<BR>he told her i refuse him access to our child and that he doesn't love me.<BR>she of coarse believes this.<BR>But when your desparate i guess you'll believe anything.<BR>I still believe in gods eyes that she'll get hers 10 fold and so will he.<BR>you know what they say what goes around comes around.<BR>tee hee<BR>I would hate to be there when the tree goes "boom!"<BR>even if rick is manipulating me.......<BR>the court would look at everything he has done as cruel and unusually and judge against him.<BR>I had my lawyer check into these type of cases and most judges are not found of men who manipulate ex-wives or girlfriends into promises to better off themselves.<BR>It shows lack of character and a strong self centeredness.<P>how are things for you now kathy?<BR>

HELP<P>Sunday night after i talked to this "woman" on the phone, Rick asked me to stay. I told him how put out i was and angry. That he has been lying and manipulating all along. He still asked me to stay but said he would understand if i left.<P>I choose to stay.<P>MONDAY was great we my daughter and i met him for dinner at his work and we talked about buying a house again together. He talked of listing his and moving in with me until we found a new home new furniture new bedding. I thought he has really put alot of thought into this. He really understands.<P>TUESDAY was a little werid. We got into this debate that didn't really end and he left the house without much closure. Later in the day when i called him he wanted me to help him clean up the house which i did by myself. I CLEANED everything. No listing agent ever came.<P>WEDNESDAY i had to work but felt good because i was so relieved my first thought wasn't true on Tuesday, that being that he wanted me out. We talked again of buying a house and having another child. Although on the phone first thing in the morning he was rude by making a cut comment to me.<P>THURSDAY rick surprised me at work and spent my lunch break with me and boy did i think that was great that he made time for me. FIRST time ever. That night was relaxing too.<P>FRIDAY i was sick and he stayed home until i was sure i was leaving work to tuck me in and called the house our house and left me a page telling me that he wanted me to come home and that he was worried about me. Very nice.<P>SATURDAY i stayed home and he watched over me. We went to his work for a bit and he kept apoligizing for taking so long but i really didn't mind i even cleaned up his offices. I thought it was great.<P>SUNDAY i had to work and while i was at work i got it from a RELIEABLE friend that Diana's birthday was saturday(i already knew this) but she was taking the next 4 days off to be with her boyfriend. ummm that would be my husband. BY THE WAY friday night she drove by the house real slow because as i opened the door to call my daughter in i saw her car and my daughter came booting in mom diana was her with her d are you upset?<BR>Now she didn't mean diana was at Ricks because i had just gotten off the phone with Rick and he was at work and i was at technically his house. We've stayed with him all week.<P>MONDAY started off good we had coffee together and a nice morning until rick blew when i told him i was arranging for a sitter on my work days because i didn't know what was going to happen with us, if he went or goes back to her then he always made himself unavailable for our daughter. I can not be stuck in an unknowing situation. His word, well i can not begin to tell you how many times i've had his word in the last month about not seeing "her" anymore.<BR>The day has slipped away and we didn't spend anytime together. Not that i think we need to spend ever minute together but considering the circumstances a little reassurance would be nice. Especially after he nailed me with this morning of not taking good care of our daughter and just"dropping her off with anyone" He really hurt my feelings.<BR>He never even apoligized.<BR>I asked to go shopping, watch a movie and last ight a walk. None of which he wanted to do. This is my week off and we were going to go away. Isn't it strange that he can't go now because his dad is having a ruff time and he needs to be there for his dad? While i don't mean to sound insensitive i am just looking at some facts.<BR>The last time i got the dad excuse a couple weeks ago.....he went to her house and took her out for dinner and spent the weekend with her. Still lies about it to this day. I saw him. So did my best friend, who lives on the same just a block down.<P>Will he ever stop lying so i can feel relaxed. I constantly have my guard up waiting for the next oooops i forgot or i just want to relax tonight speech.<P>I know he works hard and i know that it has been a difficult year.<P>BUT i'm not sleeping with other people and he is. Hell if i did this to him he'd be gone. So understanding and patience i deserve an award!!!!!!<P>FRUSTRATED<P>i hope you guys are having a better time<P>By the way my roller coaster week started with him paging me a week ago and saying he missed me and wanting to take me out and frustrated that i brought our daughter because i couldn't find a sitter.<P>I left him alone for 10 days to start his life over again with Diana.<P>Why does this feel like he is playing me????<BR>

Probably because he is......sorry, but from my experience you need to go with your gut feeling in this. I didn't trust mine, and let X move in & out, over and over for the past four years. Your call.

RTN<BR>what are you doing?<BR>

I guess I'm just hanging around biding my time.<BR>I thought that my ex and i could reconcile but now i see that that was the worst of it. Trying to reconcile with someone who tells you to **** off and calls you a *****. Why would anyone want to be with someone like that? The sad thing is that he keeps saying how happy and alright he is but he isn't.<BR>If a person is so fine they don't need to tell everyone. He does because he holds all his feelings inside and when he explodes look out he hurts.