Well, my wife and I are headed for a separation. I feel alone right now. Here's my story.<P>I am an American living and working in Japan as a translator. I work at home. I married by adorable Japanese wife two and a half years ago, and we had our first child, a beautiful daughter, last year (she's 14 months now).<P>Since we work together at home (she does most of the child rearing now while I work in front of the computer), she has said that she needs time away from me and my daughter -- time to herself. She started going out at 11:00 PM or so and returning the next morning, but gradually the next morning became the next evening -- almost 24 hours! Since I was working, she arranged for her parents to watch our daughter during the day by saying that she was "working". I thought that she deserved time off and played along, although I thought that she should either go out during the day (and have her parents watch our kid) or during the evening from 7:00 to 11:00 or so (and I would watch her). She said that it was not enough time to enjoy herself.<P>Anyway, I found out two weeks ago that she was having an affair. My allowing her to go out was based on TRUST, but now that is destroyed, and now it seems that everything is caving in. This betrayal has made me wonder whether I really want to save this marriage if it can be saved. She said that it had nothing to do with me (I don't quite believe that -- my work is rather boring and I am not a flashy type of guy), but more to do with the type of guys he is -- rich and flashy (owns a chain of bars and drives a Porsche).<P>To me, she has put her desires over our family, and that really hurts. I want her to come back, but I think that she needs to convince me that this can never happen again. Am I unreasonable to expect that? Right now, she is still wavering between both of us. She says, "I feel love towards you, but I feel PASSION towards him". Uhg.<P>I have been trying to implement Plan A, but she does not seem to have the same sense of urgency that I do, and I am losing energy quickly. I just suggested separating yesterday -- just two weeks after finding out about the affair. I guess the fact that we have not had sex for six months and that she said that the affair began "six months ago" -- well, that really hit me below <BR>the belt. Of course, she denies having any physical relationship with him, and she definitely did meet with other friends (including girlfriends) when she went out, but I just don't know.<P>I think that she needs to understand that she needs to change her routine. If she wants time off -- that's OK, but you have to do it in a way that's acceptable for the family because you're a mother now. Isn't that common sense? That means no spending the night outside. Her daughter looks for her in the morning when she wakes up. Even if she returns in the early morning hours, she isn't able to get up to feed our baby. I do it. Of course, I don't mind, but it's not like she's physically sick or anything. In my opinion, she taking advantage of my work situation and our daughter's good health (what if she was sick?).<P>OK, so am I unreasonable to make these demands from her? Am I contradicting Plan A?<BR>It's just that I really do not see how we can continue with things as they are. In short, I think that her habits and addiction (to him, to overnight fun, to alcohol) are harming the marriage. Where do I draw the line?<P>Because of this, we are rapidly heading towards Plan B. Just today, I was thinking that maybe a separation (and even a divorce)would be the best thing for her. She needs to understand to place family first. I help out much, much more than other husbands. I do the majority of the food shopping (since if she went she would have to take our daughter). I feed our daugher, on average, one meal a day (one third of the time). I <BR>always give her her bath. I always play with her during my work breaks.<P>I don't want to lose my beautiful daughter, but I do not know how to regain my wife back into the fold. Help!<P>Sorry for rambling.<P>Alphaman in Japan<P><BR>

Dear ALPHAMAN,<BR>I am so sorry you are in your situation,but I am glad you found us.Soon a person named NSR will welcome you.We are like a family here,we understand what you are going thru.Keep posting to us.<P>Love and prayers,bethn

Welcome <B>name</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Your situation is not that unnormal!<P>I would recommend more time in Plan A!<P>"...but she does not seem to have the same sense of urgency that I do, and I am losing energy quickly."... more "PTC" (see my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>)<P>"I just suggested separating yesterday..."<BR>...slow this down if you can<P>...also read my post...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000177.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101 (2nd ed.)</A><P>Prayers to you...<P> <P>Jim