I don't know if this is an unusual situation or not, but I filed for divorce 4 months ago while still living in the same house as my husband. I felt that he was not treating me with respect and never wanted to go out with me or do anything with me and was on the internet all the time while I sat by watching tv or doing things around the house. I suppose that is not entirely true as the job I had until very recently kept me working all hours of the day, evening and weekends. Part of me was not in a hurry to go home because he would be on the computer and many times he would call and ask me to come home and I would find a reason not to! The distance grew and the communication lessened. I started to lose it to a great extent and couldn't understand why things were going so awry. After a number of incidents that indicated little or no respect to me I felt that the only thing I could do to clutch at some life ring to save myself was divorce and so painfully I filed, myself without an attorney. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. The problem is I love my husband more than anything in the world. He is the most important person in my life. He went away on a previously planned study trip within a week or so. He also moved out of the house within days of being served. I was devasted, believe it or not, at the way in which he left. The night before he left the country I called him and told him that I didn't want a divorce but that I had felt pushed into it. I know I am old enough to be responsible for my own actions but that was the way I felt at the time. I felt like a rat in a maze running around in circles going crazy and the only way out was divorce. I didn't have the clarity of mind or emotional strength to even consider separation. My husband is back in the country, I have just arrived back too after a five week vacation which gave me a lot of time to think and as a result some major clarity. I have made the biggest mistake of my life and am feeling very desperate. I managed to surprise him at work last Friday (it's now Monday evening)we hadn't seen each other in almost 4 months and hadn't spoken either. He was shocked to see me and when he realised it was me standing in front of him, calmly asked me to leave and to speak with his attorney. It was over and he didn't want to talk to me. I calmly asked him to just give me a few hours and he finally agreed to meet me that night. I could see his feelings for me were very strong. I also knew that he was very hurt and angry, to say the least. We met later that night over a drink. I was trying to remain composed and as clear and to the point as possible as I was a fraid he'd get up and leave. The evening went well, a lot of smiles and warmth. He also maintained that he was not going back, not taking the risk, admitted that he still loves me but didn't know if he was still in love with me. Felt angry and even if it did mean cutting off his nose to spite his face he was still going to go ahead with the divorce. We eventually left, talking along the lines that we would try and work out the details of the divorce without an attorney. We parted after hugging each other a number of times too. I know he loves me and he is as stubborn as hell. I'm dying to talk to him but I don't know how long I should wait. I don't want to push him away at the same time. I love him so much and don't know how to convince him that we could have an even better marriage now than before. I don't even believe in divorce. Has anyone ever been in this situation or can anyone help. I would particularly like to hear from any man who is stubborn and will let his pride and ego come before saving his marriage!<p>Thank you,<p>Fionnn<p>[This message has been edited by Fionn (edited 11-16-98).]

Don't give up.<br>I told my wife I wanted to seperate and then realized my mistake. She accepted me back and the rebuilding is takeing place. I know your situation has escalated beyond what mine did but your attitude shows that you indeed want it to work. <p>Your husband took some time to talk to you. That is a start. That would indicate to me that there is hope. I understand his pain and the rejection he feels. You need to let him know that you will be there for him when he needs you.<p>I don't think most therapists would agree with me but I think sex helps to. For my wife and I the time right after sex is a positive time for discussion. It seems to me that defenses are down at that time and some real comunication can really take place. I may be off my rocker but I believe that we have been making progress. We have been having a lot of sex of late and a lot of discussion. <p>If sex isn't the right idea for you I can only suggest finding some other way to communicate. Be very aware of his sensitivity at this time. I think he is hurting alot, and is using anger to hide from you. <p>Good luck and don't give up. If you truley love him just keep trying to open up the lines of comunication.<p>

Mic, I'm so delighted that you took the time to post a reply, thank you! I'm not going to give up.<p>In fact, I was lucky enough to get a second opportunity to talk to him after posting my request. I started to feel low and fought my desire to call him as I wanted to respect him and give him the space that I felt he needed since the first visit last Friday. The weekend was so difficult. I lost (need to strengthen my self discipline) and plucked up the courage to leave a short message on his machine asking him to call me. To my amazement, he called back and we talked for over an hour. I did shed some tears, again something I didn't want to do as I know that it makes things all the more difficult for him too. He had also had a very difficult weekend. The meeting on Friday confirmed to him moreso that he has extremely strong feelings for me. He said that meeting me did bring him some closure which I was concerned to hear and I suppose did not make me happy. However, sensing that, he did add that it was not closure in a negative sense but served to cast out the ghost of me that kept visiting him and which was now a real person again. It makes me feel so sad to think that I caused him so much pain. My time away let me wonder how on earth I could do anything to hurt this wonderful person. Of course, not losing sight of reality, there were issues in our relationship and there still are. None that can't be surpassed. His biggest issue right now is ANGER. He didn't know if it was even fair of him to call me back in case it gave me hope that he didn't know was even there. He was sent away to a boarding school in another country at the age of seven and seems to have had one type of rejection or another. As a result, he has more fears and not such good coping skills directly relating to relationship rejection and trusting people. He was left not even trusting his own parents for sending him away so young and never had a family life.<p>Your reference to sex! Hmm Hmm. On Friday night, I would have loved to have been lucky enough to be able to even kiss him but that was way too much of a stretch. I was so pleased to even have him hug me, which I asked if it was okay. Just be able to touch his face and feel it against mine...sounds kind of corny I'm sure, was lovley. It's amazing how much you would give anything for even that when you are in fear of never even seeing someone again, let alone touch them. I don't know if I'll ever be lucky enough to kiss him or make love again, but I am an eternal optimist and already have been lucky enough to have gone this far. He knows I am determined and has already stated that he knows that I am going to try to 'wear him down' and that I 'always get what I want'. I felt a little disturbed that he would put himself in that same light as any other thing in my life, whereas he far surpasses anything I have ever wanted and always has. (yeah, so why did I file, right. Temporary loss of sanity!) I hope some day, in the not too distant future, that I will be lucky enough to be intimate with him again. That is probably quite a way off yet. He has to trust me again and I too have to trust him.<p>He is going away for a few days. If I hadn't called and he hadn't told me that, I would probably have been calling, getting no response and going out of my mind. Someone is watching over me and these little things and the timing of them are all so positive.<p>As mentioned, I have started to pray again. It's terrible to think that someone such as me, who has always believed in God, spirituality and prayer, but stopped practicing on a weekly basis, should turn back to God in times of great desperation. I should turn to him in good or bad times. Anyway, a lot of good has come out of this bad situation already and I have learned that I had my priorities assways. On that note, thanks again, keep your fingers crossed, keep people like me who make mistakes of this magnitude in your prayers and think carefully before allowing a firey nature and knee jerk reaction to almost destroy your life!<p>Fionn<p>[This message has been edited by Fionn (edited 11-17-98).]

Fionn,<p>Thanks for your reply. I read about your second conversation with your husband. I think you are going to make it. It sounds to me like he is wanting to find an excuse to get back with you. Find a way to make it easy for him. Be willing to eat alot of crow. It will surprise you that the more you open up the more he will as well. <p>As far as myself I know that somehow we will make it work, but trust will be difficult. I have removed internet from the home as it is too big of a temptation to her.<p>She "met" a guy that lives only 60 miles away and was making plans to meet him in person. This man had even been a customer in the hotel where she works. She didn't know him at that time but it hits very close to home.<p>How can I get to the place where I will believe her?<p>Best of luck to you Fionn. I will pray that we both can return to happiness.<p>Mic

Fionn<p>I read your response to I don't know. Your response to me was warm and caring and I thank you. I noticed that you did not get carried away in your post here. I feel you should have let it out. Suffering from an accident for five years, and still living with it? You are one brave lady. I know things got bad, but you pulled out. Great for you. Since you said that you filed for divorce four months ago and were with you husband in November. I hope you getting back together. Thank you again for your advice, it was comforting.<p>God Bless