Here's the background to my story:<br>Mid August, my husband told me he no longer loved me. I went into a deep depression.<br>Mid September, he went on a 2 week business trip to Canada (we live in England). He came back a lot more positive about working on our relationship. He then started getting phone calls from a woman he had met in Canada. I would get jealous and concerned, worrying it would develop into something more, but he reassured me, saying she was 1000's of miles away, she was just someone to confide in, and him talking to her was helping our relationship.<br>In mid october, I moved out of our home, we had agreed to do this for the 'space' and to try and start over, by dating again. The following weekend, we were both away, I went to my parents, and he was away on a conference in London. When I got back, I went to the house unexpectedly and found evidence that a woman had been staying there. I confronted him, and he said that he had lent the house to a Canadian friend and his girlfriend. It also emerged that his 'confidante' was also in the country and was staying with a friend in London. He admitted he had seen her for a few hours on the Sunday. We had a long chat, I asked him was he stringing me along, and was he serious about working things out with me. He said he was serious. The following day, I listened to his voicemail and heard a message from her, in which she said thank you for his email, it was amazing, and she said 'I love you'. I again confronted him, and he said she loves me like a friend, and there was nothing going on.<br>During the following week, things started to improve, and I could tell he was responding to me more. Then he departed on a 5 week business trip, and I found some emails from him to her on our pc. He was telling her what it felt like to make love to her. It turned out that this affair had started back in September (it must have lasted about a week), and then they had sex again in October, when she was in London.<br>I immediately phoned him (in the middle of the night in Australia) and told him what I knew. He admitted it, and said after it had happened in September, the way he felt afterwards had made him realise he must still have some feelings left for me, and that is why he came back more positive. He said he didn't plan for it to happen again in October. He said that it is now over, and that he had decided to try and rebuild our relationship. He said he finished it because he realised he was starting to fall in love with her, and that this would destroy any chance we had.<br>The thing that hurts the most is the way he made me feel whenever I got jealous, he told me I was being unreasonable, when I was right all along! <br>When I found out about this, he said he now feels really depressed, because he has hurt me, and because of the way I found out and the way I reacted (I vented all the feelings of hurt and anger and really loaded the guilt on). I asked him how he had been feeling before he went away, and he said he was feeling down about the end of his affair, but he had felt we had found a way forward. He says he still wants us to try, but he is worried that this is going to spoil everything, and that it will always be between us.<br>How can I reassure him that I won't let it spoil things for us? After I found out, I sent him some emails, which he said he found really positive, but they still made him feel worse, because I had been so understanding.<br>I also asked him if he was relieved that it was all out in the open. He said 'yes and no'. Yes because he no longer had to lie, no because he had hurt me, and that it will now be more difficult to rebuild our relationship.<br>I am also more worried. Before I found out, I was feeling more positive, and I thought at least I don't have to worry about another woman.<br>I am also worried about how long it will take him to get over her. I know it only lasted about 6 weeks (and the physical relationship must have lasted a week at most), but it feels like an extra barrier to him loving me again.<br>Sorry for rambling, but I feel better for it.

Bev<p>I know how you feel; I'm going through about the same thing myself. (I have a post here so I won't dump the details on you now.) And while I believe it truly is over between him and the OW (since last spring), I asked him over the weekend if he was over her. He said he was angry with her; he was looking for "balance" and she confused him. (Go figure.) He doesn't want to talk about it because of the pain he knows his betrayal has caused me, the damage it has done to our relationship, and the pain he feels over his breakup with the OW.<p>He travels a lot now, having finally gotten the promotion he wanted for so long. The letters I read chronicled the times they had spent together in all sorts of beautiful places (they work for the same airline). I can't help but worry that he will betray me again with another woman (he's had two affairs that I know of and after breaking up with the last one he wrote a letter trying to start an affair with another but never sent it). <p>The only thing I can suggest to you, Bev, is to keep the lines of communication open between the two of you. Your need to understand is going to come into conflict with his desire to "spare" you, bury his guilt, or otherwise hide from the mess he's made. I find that when I talk with my H about the OW, it is better to remain as unemotional as possible.<p>I see a psychologist once a week. It helps, and I have a couple of close female friends. And I read a lot of the posts in this forum. If he's willing, therapy would probably help him too; but he has to want it.<p>People tell me that I need to take care of myself (and my kids). It's not much, but would offer that to you as well. My prayers are with you.

Bev, I think it is important for you and your husband to get into some modern marriage or relationship counseling. You two need to learn how to rebuild your marriage - you need to figure out what both of your love busters are and eliminate them and what both of your emotional needs are and plan how to meet them. Find a counselor that uses "Solution-Oriented Brief Therapy" rather than a psychoanalytical approach. Do it as soon as possible.<p>Read as many books as you can - get some of the ones Dr. Harley has written ("Surviving an Affair," "Give and Take," "His Needs, Her Needs" are the ones I've gotten). Another good one is "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman ... And there is another one called "After the Affair" but the author of that one escapes me at the moment. You need to start acting and you will feel better. Choose to love and be happy and you can do it!<p>You have a marvelous gift - your husband's affair is over and he has chosen you. That doesn't make it easy, but it makes it possible. Please don't refuse this gift - it is one that I and many others here would give everything we own and more to receive ... God has given you and your husband a second chance - make a new marriage - a new beginning... And don't look back any more than you must to help in the moving forward!<p>terri

Terri,<p>We are already in counselling, although there aren't any here who do SBT (we are always several years behind the US here in England). I do have the 'Divorce Busting' book though, which I have found useful. In the last week before he went away I had started to use the principles in the book 'How to get your lover back' by Harris, and I did feel him responding to me. We talked about that after I found out. He said 'You were feeling really warm towards me weren't you? I could feel it, and I was starting to reflect those feelings back to you'. <br>I know I've got to get those feelings back, but they keep being buried under sorrow and anger. The most frustrating thing is he is away on a business trip until 8th December, and it is really difficult trying to rebuild our relationship on the phone. I think I need to read Harris's book again.<br>He is phoning me often, and although he hasn't promised to have no contact with her (he said he couldn't promise) he has agreed to tell me if they do talk.<br>My biggest hope is that as his feelings for me grow, that his feelings for her will fade. He only knew her for a few months, he has been with me for 12 years (although his love has been diminishing over the last 3-5 years). I know that he loved me deeply in the beginning, and that feeling lasted for at least 4 years.<br>Thank you for your support Terri, I hope it does work out for you too.<br>Bev