First of all, my husband has NOT had an affair (that I know of ). For years he will go to luch with female coworkers. It was always a group thing. I never thought anything about it. I know for the last 6 months he had lunch with one woman in particular--alone. Do you guys think that this is a bad idea?? I am assuming that since he tells me about it that it is ok, and that I don't need to worry. He never sees her outside of worktime. (aaargh---except they have travled overnight once!!) <br>Also, I ran into a mutal friend of ours and he mentioned that he ran into my husband once at lunch, and after that point the conversation (between me and friend) was very awkward. (and I know that particular day my H was aloone with the coworker) <br>Hmmm, do I need to do something about this?

GBM, your post provoked a number of thoughts or rather questions. One, why does your husband spend so much time with one co-worker, regardless of sex, more than another? Are they working closely on a project together? Two, is she a confidante, if so on what level, if it is regarding work fine, if it is regarding his life in general, why would he need to talk to her as opposed to you? I know we all need friends outside of our relationships, however, my only concern, an analogy I learned many years ago from my Father is, it's not you on the road but the other cars on the road that you have to watch out for! What might this woman want from these one on one meetings? I personally do not believe that two people of the opposite sex can be purely friends. From personal experience, I have had many male friends throughout my young life (36)and sooner or later, usually when they realised there was no possibility of things progressing past a friendship, the so-called friendship disappeared (one which was seven years in the making). I always believe one person wants more out of it than they are admitting. Maybe that is not a positive way of looking at things, but from my experiences, a realistic one. A comforting thought is that unless someone is open to the possibilities of an affair, it won't happen, no matter how much they are pursued. If it does happen, then you know what frame of mind the spouse was in.<p>Society dictates that men are the weaker sex and that the minute a pretty young thing taps them on the shoulder or looks in their direction, they hop into the sack!!! I have thrown my husband into this bag in expressing fears for no reason in the past except due to my own insecurity. He has been so offended by this attitude that so many woman paint all men with the same brush. He's right too, not all men are that weak or think with their willy!!! (LOL). <p>Another point, again prompted by my Father, spouse's should not put themselves in a position of temptation! The more your husband and his co-worker spend time together, the greater the chance something could develop which may have had it's origins in innocence!!! So, it brings us back to why does he need to spend so much time alone with her? That's the bottom line here.<p>These are just some rambling thoughts. Tried to be practical and not insight unnesscessary insecurity in you but hope it helps. Have an open, calm discussion with him about it! <p>The best of luck,<p>Fionn

Fionn,<br>He does work very closely with this woman. I don't think he spends an excessive amount of time with her. I just know they often lunch together. (both in groups and alone). Where my husband works there are not very many women, so this woman really does not have other women to dine with. <br>This is not something that I think is a problem at this time. But from reading a lot on the infidellty board I wondered if it is ALWAYS a bad sign that a husband is doing this.<br>But I also see the point of your father's driving analogy. I have never met this woman, so I don't really have a "feel" for her intentions. Thanks for the input.

GBM,<p>You know your H better than we do. I think you need to trust your instincts. My H has several female friends and I am not worried about any of them in the least. He always tells me when he is going to be with them and I have met and done things with all of them and their spouses. If this bothers you ask him if you can meet them for lunch one of the times. Let him know that you would like to meet her. If there is nothing there then he shouldn't have a problem with that. I wouldn't not say anything though because it obviously bothers you or you wouldn't have posted it. Just choose your words carefully and don't accuse him of anything. Good Luck. <p>Steph

Steph--<br>Really I don't think it bothers me, but after reading some of the posts on opposite sex friendships it hit me that maybe I'm being a bit naive. But I really do like the idea of meeting them for lunch somewhere. That would be nice. I'd like to meet her.

GBM<p>I think you have been getting some good advise. The idea of meeting him and her for lunch is a very good one. You will get a good feeling if there are any "sparks" there.<p>Best wishes,<p>Mike

ABSOLUTELY met with them for lunch!!!!!Unfortunately, I let my husband have his female friends which turned out to be affairs, 2 sexual. I wanted to meet them too, and there always was an excuse. The last girl couldn't even look me in the eyes, that's when I saw there was something between them. Naive or not, ask to meet them for lunch, get to know her. There are people who value their marriage, but I can tell you by experience son't be naive and trusting, things can and do happen.You are the wife and you have rights. I will not be so naive again....happily married men slip, so do women. I personally like the woman who posted before me, have had male friends, but as with her, there was always an under current of something else developing, married, in a relationship OR single. You need to make your presence known to the other woman and remind your husband by your presence at the lunch table that you are his wife.Also, don't make excuses for either of them, innocent or not. There are other people they can eat/dine with.JADE

Once upon a time..... (read my other posts, you will understand why I wrote that )<p>hhmm..... Is there any reason you shouldn't become freinds with this woman? You are free to make any freinds you choose to and I think that if you and her were to become freinds it might negate the possibility of him sleeping with her, or at least make it a little difficult.<p>I wouldn't directly say to him "next time you go to lunch with her, I want to be there" or anything like that to get you all to lunch. He may feel threatened and become defensive about the whole issue which might spark a nasty arguement. My wife is a little sneaky when it comes to me talking to other women. She will openly with a sly smile on her face say "So when do I get to meet this mystery woman?" I feel that she is conveying a thought that I might be sleeping with her but also allows me to be free to pick whatever freinds I choose.<p>There was one instance at a work party where I couldn't help but notice a female co worker she wasn't usually attractive but that night she made herself up really well. My wife noticed that I had wondering eyes but instead of getting upset, she leaned over to me and whispered "take me home and f**k me!" It was so erotic to me when my wife said that and I totally forgot about this woman. My wife understands the concept of men being attracted by sight so she done what she felt as necessary to make sure nothing happens. (Not that I had plans of sleeping with this other woman. In my mind, I may have already slept with her a few times and considered the prospect of what she would be like in bed (every man does that) but I wouldn't consider acting on those fantasies). My wife was being protective of her property and displayed that protection in a way she knew I would pleasantly react to. Later she told me it upset her that I was looking at the other woman but by then the whole episode had passed and I diddn't feel threatened in any way.<p>I will say this though, ALL MEN ARE THE SAME!!!<br>We are very visually inclined animals, if we see a woman that is attractive, then we want to "do her"<br>It is just a matter of us being turned on by what we see.<br>Women might relate to this by meeting a man being so sensitive, thoughful, kind, helpful and displays concern for her well being (like helping her up if she falls down or interrupting a sleazy drunk when he is trying to pick you up in a bar. (the whole knight in shining armour thing )<br>She will want to be with him because he is meeting her primary instinct of affection and need of protection and will inevitably find herself in bed with him (that is because sex is still rated high in women, I think it comes in third behined affection and support, I am not really sure)<br>My point? If he is spending time alone with this woman then his attraction to her will grow (if he is not already attracted to her) and by him spending time with her, she will start to see the knight in shining armour. The perfect formular for an affair! <br>Before long, it will happen.<br>While men have the strong, lets say "mating" instinct, we are also very dumb in that if there is a more attractive person close by then we will dump the old one and go for gold <br>What I am saying here is are you making yourself attractive to him? not only by the way you look, but by what you do for him, how you talk to him, and yes, how you please him in bed.<br>If you are meeting all his needs then the only gold he will want to shoot for is you. The other woman wouldnt matter to him. Remember what I said about my wife and the party? well she dangled a nice 24k gold medallion infront of me <p>I am not saying that you need to do everything in your relationship, that if he did sleep with her then it would be all your fault. Read His needs/Her needs and it will become clearer than I can explain.<br>I see it as being "you gotta do what you gotta do!"<br>If you want your man to stay faithful, then you gotta do what it takes to make sure he only wants to sleep with you. The same goes the opposite, If he wants you to stick around then he's gotta do what he's gotta do. (trying desperatly to be equal here, I dont want to sound sexist )<p>Before I we started having our own problems, my wife and I done some really cool things to keep us both faithful. For a start, we have 2 kinds of sex, Emotional, and Down and dirty!.<br>The first "emotional" sex is where we like to take a lot of time "making love" to each other. All of our sexual needs are met and then some. I could spend all day being affectionate with her, little kisses, hugs, love notes etc... that is when I feel very emotional about sex.<br>The other "down and dirty" Is where we want to be in a XXX movie! Everything you see in those movies we want NOW and lots of it!!!!<br>My wife thinks that is funny and kind of cute (who knows what is in a woman's mind ) and so sometimes when we are in that mood then we will play on it. emulate positions and acts seen on TV, talk a certain way and she will even dress up what she considers "sleazy" jusy to satisfy my visual stimulation.<br>She allows me to fantasize about other women, and even goes so far as to pretend to be those women. She also does the same. (fantasize about men, not women, although sometimes......nah )<br>By doing this, in our fantasizing minds we are sleeping with someone else but in reality we are still being faithful.<br>There are lines drawn in the sand however, when we have the "emotional" sex, no other people enters our minds, these are the times when we enjoy each other, not entertaining thoughts of other people. It keeps a good balance between fantasy and reality, and it keeps us both happy.<br>Well, I say a lot of that in present tense but like I said earlier, that was a long time ago and a lot of that has long since gone.<p>You will find that by meeting his primary instinct all by yourself then there will be no need for him to find someone else to do it (unless he is a total jerk in which case dump him before he brings home AIDS or something like that).<p>We don't care about emotions, all the stuff that women like: affection, support, love, tenderness etc. well that doesnt work for us. we just want to have sex ! <br>The only time we start to care about emotions are if you mean something to us. <p>Women can do a little experiment here, Everytime you meet a man, look at his eyes, see if he looks you up and down or often looks at whatever part of the female body that turns him on, it wont be long before you figure out what that body part is. (for me it's hair but that's not important ). I guarantee that the first thought that goes through his head is "would I sleep with her?" not "oh she is a nice person, I would like to be freinds with her, I wonder if she wants to go shopping" (just making a joke, no sexist slams please [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img] )<p>So, to get back to your question, he has already asked himself that question when he saw her. I would be concerned because even if his first answer was "no" then the longer he spends time with her, the more he is going to try to convince himself that the answer should be "yes" unless she has a grossly disfiguring feature that he can't get over, but then I have freinds who say "that's what light switches are for, instead of ON and OFF, thay really mean CUTE and UGLY"<p>If you hear any guy that says something other than what I have said here it is either he is trying to con himself or you, or that he has found his gold medal and cares deeply about keeping it.<br>As for me, I have found out that when I am truly happy and content with my wife I there is no other woman that could make me sleep with them. She could be standing naked infront of me and would look right through them as if they don't exist no matter how great they may look well, maybe I would stop and give her directions to an all night clothing store [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img]. But when we argue or things are not going so great then suddenly women start popping up out of no where. (This isnt just my thoughts, all 4 of my marriage counsellors mentioned that point to me).<p>The important thing is wether we act on those instincts or not. Those actions can determine wether you really do have your knight in shining armour or just a regular man. <p>Bottom line, If you are both completely content and happy including sexually, then there is no need to worry. If there are problems in your marriage then concern is warranted.<p>And they lived happily ever after,<br>The end [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img]<br>Mark