2 years+ separted from former wife but no closer to a divorce now than 2 years ago.<BR> Three children, boy, 20, girl, 17, and boy 15.<BR> I'v always been the model dad and husband, but apparently the only thing I could not give my former wife was a new car, a new house, and a new life.<BR> She has told me never to contact her at home or at work, and any mail I send gets returned.<BR> When I first moved out, the children came over every weekend. When she and my two youngest moved in with her "fiance" and his four children near Buffalo, NY in June 1999 I tried to get custody with an emergency custody hearing, but the judge gave her custody anyway, in spite of the children's desire to remain in PA with all their friends and relatives.<BR> Daughter could not stand to live in NY and be treated unfairly and for the first time in her life, stood up to her mom, and demanded she be allowed to live with Dad.<BR> Wife reluctantly agreed because "fiance's" promises to them of a new house, new life in Buffalo, NY were never fulfilled. New house is a skeleten of a house without drywall and barely finished enough to live in. His children from his 2nd marriage are often in trouble with the law and our children haven't been used to living with children who have no respect for their father, mother, or authorities.<BR> Oldest son lives with me. Youngest son came down for one week near end of July and didn't want to return. You don't know how hard it is to have your 14 year old son cry his eyes out and beg you to let him stay ... only to have to tell him I'd be breaking the law if I allowed him to stay.<BR> Former wife could not stand being a step-mom to her fiance's four children during my son's vacation with Dad, and upon his return she and my youngest son moved back to PA so he could attend school here.<BR> She got her old job back at the auto auction and is still "engaged", and her used car fiance "stays over" at her house on Thursdays instead of a motel, just like before.<BR> My question is: Her fiance was financing her divorce UNTIL she moved back and now neither of us has the money for a good attorney. She's told our kids that if I'd sign the divorce papers she'd have her attorney draw up the papers. I agreed. But it's almost a year and nothing has happend.<BR> My wife had an abusive childhood and has some extreme emotional problems. I was very kind, and considerate, but she would never go for medical treatment, just for prayer and counselling at the church.<BR> Over the years she's gotten much worse and still has nightmares, migraines, and extreme emotional swings. But she testified at the custody hearing that there is absolutely nothing wrong with her.<BR> If I must initiate the divorce I would rather take out a loan and bring in testimony from her family, friends, and neighbors about her emotional condition and hopefully she will be required to get some professional help.<BR> But even after counseling, I know I'm still in denial and don't want to do anything to hurt her, even though she's done nothing but spread lies, many of which have caught up to her.<BR> My daughter and she haven't spoken to each other in over three weeks and her mom only lives 3 miles from here.<BR> My youngest son still comes over every other weekend and we e-mail each other regularly, but he is stuck in the middle. Wants to be part of the family here with his older brother and sister, but knows that his mom would NEVER allow that to happen. <BR> Lately she's been in "god" mode, because everything she wants the court gives her.<BR> What do I do?

Don,<P>I'm sorry to hear of your situation. I live an hour and a half from Buffalo. YUK!<P>I am probably not reading your thread right, but do you live in NY or PA?? <P>If you file a legal seperation in NY , a year later your divorced. I don't know for your state but try <A HREF="http://www.divorcenet.com" TARGET=_blank>www.divorcenet.com</A> and look it up.<P>I'd like to check back on your story later in the week, my little daughter is sick (thank you for your reply on my post) and I don't have a lot of time.<P>Wanted to send a prayer, and to tell you about that link. If you are in NY, I have some other info, but I think you are in PA???<P>Prayers, Dana<BR>

Dana, <P>Thanks for the reply and the link<P>I live in Paradise, PA and SUPPOSEDLY in PA after you are separated two years the divorce is automatic for no-fault.<P>HOWEVER, nothing is automatic I've come to find out. My lawyer wants to initate proceedings but so far he has done nothing to help me with my Battles with Domestic Relations other than send me a bill. I've had to take off work, etc. everytime my W complains she's not getting a check AND they garnish my wages, send them to Harrisburg, and an agency in Harrisburg writes the checks ... I'm out of the loop.<P>Take care of your daughter, and please, let us all know when she's out of the woods ... which I'm praying will be very, very soon.<P>My daughter was very active and very inquisitive ... into EVERYTHING! But now, at 17, she's become a very fine young lady .... but is STILL very inquisitive! I guess some things never change.<P>Thanks again for your thoughtfulness. I really appreciate it.<P>Don<P> <BR>

Don,<BR>I'm sorry, I don't have any advice to offer.....just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and hope that you and your children find the happiness you deserve.<P>Your wife sounds like she could use the help of a good therapist. They did me wonders.<P>Nancy

Don,<P>IMHO....The concept of closure is a fantacy or an illusion. However, I think that acceptance is a much better word to use. I don't think I will ever have full closure of my wife leaving me but I accept it and have made great strides to move on with my life. I wish I had more time this am to further my idea but I think you get my drift.<P>Bill

Don,<P>I agree about the "acceptance". Complete closure may never happen. Not in the way many of our relationships ended. I have a friend who's getting divorced because he and his wife fell out of love? Can you imagine that? They are great friends. I can't imagine this concept? Yet I bet, they'll have a closure we won't.<P>If I were you, I'd start interviewing new lawyers. That doesn't sound right. If its supposedly automatic, then you might only have papers to file. Why would you pay for something when its not getting you the results you want?? Initial consultations with attorneys are often free. Interview a few of them. TELL them your deciding who you'll go with. This is a personal matter and you want someone you can relate to. (I remember thinking I had a crush on my lawyer).<P>Where I live, divorce is automatic at the end of 1 year, but you MUST file the seperation papers for that clock to start ticking. I didn't get that option, I got dragged horribly thru the courts and it was an awful experience.<P>Talk to the ex and see if its at all possible, if she so willingly agrees to this, maybe you can agree on what needs to be agreed upon, and go to one lawyer to draw up the papers and split the bill, and ask the lawyer for a payment plan.<P>If you are both ready for this, I could see why you want to go to the next step.<P>Good luck,<BR>Dana<P>PS I'll post an update on baby Tay later today.