After many years of physical and emotional abuse, I separated from my husband. As a Christian I have remained faithful to the marriage inspite of our separation. My husband has had many affairs in that time, with the suspicion of fathering a child out of one of the relationships. Approximately 2-years ago he began to call, and over the past 2-yrs many hurtful experiences have been healed. However, we are now at a cross-roads. #1: He is angry because "I became a Christian without his permission. #2. He is unhappy that I will no longer submit to his abusive ways--though no longer physical, he has a tremendous amount of hostility from a painful childhood which is frequently transmitted to me. #3. He feels that his behavior during our separation is "none of my business", and "if you don't like it than 'later for you'. #4 He is currently sick from asbestosis & growths in his lung and stomach. I have tried to reach out to him during this time, but he frequently turns it around and treats me with a great deal of disrespect and anger. He has stopped drinking for about 12 months, however, has resumed with the reasoning that drinking helps eliminate the physical pain. #5. As a believer in the ministry I am perplexed as to what to do with this situation. The distance between us is so great. I have agreed to go to counseling, however, he feels that he is "too old and does not plan on changing his ways". #6. In many ways he resents the ministry , though he tells his friends how proud he is of me. However, he feels that the ministry would only get in the way. I am not a "cold fish" and have no challenge with affection, however, my efforts to reach out to him are met with repeated rejections. #7. Love units are not being deposited. He told his mother how he appreciates me reaching out to help him, however, he can't help mistreating me. His mother told him he needed to change his attitude. Now he is unhappy with her. #8. We were planning to celebrate Thanksgiving together, but he has recently contacted me to tell me that I am uninvited. He stated he feared that I might embarrass his family. I have been deeply hurt by this. Who am I if not his family. At the gathering will be his first wife (they have been divorced for over 25 yrs); the woman who gave birth to 3-of his 5-children, his children and grandchildren. In some sense I feel it was probably good I would not be there, but I feel such a sense of rejection from this. #9. I am a member of the Assemblies of God, and they do not believe in divorce. If one does divorce, particularly if they were to ever consider remarriage, they will have to leave the ministry. <p>I have tried to just give you a brief overview. I can't even begin to share it all. I have reading much of the Marriage Builders material. My husband refused to even take a look at it. Said it is for me to read and make the necessary changes. Though we have not lived together for 10-yrs, I had thought that maybe there might be hope for this marriage, however, I think at this point that it is irreconciliable. Help!!!<p>HKelley350@aol.com<p>

HJK,<p>I cannot tell you how angry your post makes me. Not at you but at the church and your husband.<br>This man is showing you NO respect and you are not required by God to gut yourself on his behalf. I don't care what the church says. I am a Christian myself. I originaly started in a pentcostal environment so I know what you're up against.<br>I understand what the Scriptures say concerning divorce and marriage. But too often the church is holier than God Himself, and most of the time it's the woman they dump on.<br>I can understand why, because of your Christian convictions, you've tried to keep things together, and I applaud you for that. It is required by Scripture that a wife honor and submit (a word that has to be understood in its proper context) to her husband. But that is conditional. The requirement for the husband is that he sacrifice himself for his wife and family the way Christ sacrificed Himself for the church. He is to, above all, be the SERVANT of his family, not the dictator. Take it from me, a man who is painfully learning what it means to neglect these things.<p>And you mean to tell me this man had the gall to say you had to get his permission to become a Christian? Where in the Bible is such a foolish thing even hinted at?<br>You are going to have to take a stand for yourself. I don't mean by rejecting the cousel of God. That is the only thing that will really keep you. But I mean in making a distinction between what the counsel of God is and the straightjacket the church tries to pass off as the cousel of God. <br>The same Scripture that give us guidelines on how to live in a relationship says that God has called us to peace. You cannot live in peace with a man as incredibly selfish as this.<br>If you love him and think it can be reconciled then you'll have to make the decision on how far you can go to accomplish that. But it looks to me, based strictly on what you've written, that you've gone the extra mile and then some. God does not require that an individual stay in a relationship to serve the function of a door mat. That man has responsibilites before God he is to perform concerning you. Obviously he isn't doing it. The relationship duties are interlocking. You do your God ordained part towards him as he does his toward you. If one fails it makes it harder for the other to perform. <br>While we all fail at one time or another provision is made on how to correct these failures and get things going again. But if one spouse insists on being the God of the relationship and dominating then how can the other spouse be expected to function properly.<br>I could go on and on with this because it's a sore spot with me. Though I'm a Christian and go to church I am well aware that some churches often put yokes on people that God does not require, yet it's viewed as the Christian way.<br>I hope this helps you in some way.

HJK,<p>I cannot tell you how angry your post makes me. Not at you but at the church and your husband.<br>This man is showing you NO respect and you are not required by God to gut yourself on his behalf. I don't care what the church says. I am a Christian myself. I originaly started in a pentcostal environment so I know what you're up against.<br>I understand what the Scriptures say concerning divorce and marriage. But too often the church is holier than God Himself, and most of the time it's the woman they dump on.<br>I can understand why, because of your Christian convictions, you've tried to keep things together, and I applaud you for that. It is required by Scripture that a wife honor and submit (a word that has to be understood in its proper context) to her husband. But that is conditional. The requirement for the husband is that he sacrifice himself for his wife and family the way Christ sacrificed Himself for the church. He is to, above all, be the SERVANT of his family, not the dictator. Take it from me, a man who is painfully learning what it means to neglect these things.<p>And you mean to tell me this man had the gall to say you had to get his permission to become a Christian? Where in the Bible is such a foolish thing even hinted at?<br>You are going to have to take a stand for yourself. I don't mean by rejecting the cousel of God. That is the only thing that will really keep you. But I mean in making a distinction between what the counsel of God is and the straightjacket the church tries to pass off as the cousel of God. <br>The same Scripture that give us guidelines on how to live in a relationship says that God has called us to peace. You cannot live in peace with a man as incredibly selfish as this.<br>If you love him and think it can be reconciled then you'll have to make the decision on how far you can go to accomplish that. But it looks to me, based strictly on what you've written, that you've gone the extra mile and then some. God does not require that an individual stay in a relationship to serve the function of a door mat. That man has responsibilites before God he is to perform concerning you. Obviously he isn't doing it. The relationship duties are interlocking. You do your God ordained part towards him as he does his toward you. If one fails it makes it harder for the other to perform. <br>While we all fail at one time or another provision is made on how to correct these failures and get things going again. But if one spouse insists on being the God of the relationship and dominating then how can the other spouse be expected to function properly.<br>I could go on and on with this because it's a sore spot with me. Though I'm a Christian and go to church I am well aware that some churches often put yokes on people that God does not require, yet it's viewed as the Christian way.<br>I hope this helps you in some way.

HJK: Why does your church not believe in divorce? The bible clearly tells us the grounds for divorce, and it sounds like you definitely have them. I was raised in a very cultic religion, but am now a Christian. I think you have gone way above and beyond what is expected of you. <br>Lisa

Adultery would be the only grounds for divorce, and not just a single incident<br>of that type of behavior would be grounds for divorce. The challenge comes when one is in the ministry. To divorce has reprecussions. If one were to ever consider remarriage, then you would lose your credentials to serve in the ministry. I want to thank you for responding. In the end I am going to have to settle this, knowing that whichever way I go it will be challenging for me. God bless you Lisa!