OK..latest update<P>Her aunt called wed night and chewed my [censored] out for several "alleged" wrongs I have done her. All were blatent lies. <P>I got the court date yesterday in the mail, and called to check on it. I found out that I can postpone the date because I am the petitioner for up to 2 years.<P>I AM GOING TO POSTPONE THE DATE...........WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK?<P>I have not had time to greive this, and I really want to give her a chance to hit bottom and come to her senses. Maybe I can get her in a recovery program if she does. Also, She promised me to go to therapy and after having discussed this with my therapist, I feel I really need her to do this to help me in my resolution of our relationship.<P>I figure if I postpone the divorce, at least it will open up communications again, and maybe I can get her to agree to some therapy dates, and maybe even convince her to go to alanon.<P>SO.......what does everyone think? ADVICE PLEASE<P>Thanks,<BR>BEN

Ben,<P>I haven't been online for about 10 days, but<BR>I've watched your story, and here is my take on it... now, pretend I am your mother. <P>Ben, (I'm slapping the back of your head) you are a gentle soul, who has so much goodness in your heart, you are endangering yourself. You have chosen to love a very troubled girl, a girl who is so troubled, you risk physical harm. <P>She needs to hit rock bottom without you. There is nothing that says you can't watch from a distance, be there to support her if she decides she wants help. And you can do that divorced or married. There is nothing that says you can't remarry if she decides to straighten herself out. <P>Right now, she is focusing her rage on you - there is obviously an anger in a person who is so self-destructive - you are allowing her to see you as the interfering enemy, someone to blame. She has to come to the realization that her lifestyle is destroying her. You can't do that for her. In a way, she sounds like a caged animal - try to decide here Ben, is she viewing the marriage as a cage? You may actually be helping her if you let the divorce go through. It is something to think about.<P>She obviously has alot of demons to overcome. Protect yourself first, be there for her if SHE wants it. You must stop pursuing her - your motives are good and pure and noble, but right now they are futile, and possibly counterproductive.<P>That is a mother's advice. Take care.

Honey West<P>Hmmmm..sounds logical doesn't it?<P>I guess you are right, and I found out this morning that the court date is set at her request. All I can do now is ask for a continuance. <P>This is really breaking my heart. One last question. Is it normal for them to tell you that they love you and want to be friends, and then never call or contact you again?<P>Thanks,<BR>Ben

Ben,<P>It doesn't sound like anything she does is normal, or predictable. She is very troubled, confused, obviously from a troubled home, and her peers of choice are harmful. You have been lucky so far, your situation seems very volatile.<P>But she is an adult, who knows the difference between right and wrong. Ben - there is a time a person has to take responsibility for his/her actions. She knows she is being cruel, dangerous and illegal - you must stop seeing her as an innocent victim requiring rescuing, and protect yourself.<P>I hope she straightens out and sees you for the good person you are.<P>

In cases like this, I'm not sure there is any such thing as normal.<P>This woman is dangerous to you and to herself. Bullets around your mailbox!! Don't want to be to tough but what good is waking up dead? You've been threatened. My opinion is that you need to take care of Ben.<P>As honey.west said, you can be there for her whether you are married or not. You don't have to shut her off in case she comes to you for true help. But I think you, quite possibly, do need to put a legal cushion<BR>between the two of you in case she gets into something which could have ramifications for you. (Let's say she's on your insurance, does something stupid and ends up vegetative for years with you listed as the primary responsible individual.) <P>Marriage is usually entered into, hopefully, as a lifetime committment. I don't feel that divorce needs to be the same. Not a high percentage but a measurable number of divorced couples are able to work things out later. I think we've all heard stories where d was a wake-up call to one or both parties.<P>Where is your physical safety? Where is your peace?

Ok.....now the tears are flowing<P>Her mom told her to call me and she finally did, we havent spoken in over 3 1/2 weeks.<P>At first she was very angry..screaming at me. She swears that not only is she not using/drinking, but that her sobriety is the most important thing to her of all. The story she got about the fed ex guy was that I attacked him (from OM) Which was not true. It took me several attempts to get her to listen to me, but finally she did and I think she believed me as I have never EVER lied to her about anything, not even small mundane things. So, I asked her why should now be different? She says she is now in therapy and realizes how hard all this must have been on me. She finally calmed down and we actually talked. She went on to tell me that she has come to realize that she was never IN LOVE with me, but felt gratitude and obligation to me for getting her sober. That she felt she grew to love me over time, but was never sexually attracted to me because I wasnt her "type" and that was why we had such hard intamacy problems. That she realized she had lied to me all along and herself about her feelings and that she was sorry that she was hurting me and had hurt me in the past...........<P>I guess I believe she was being honest.....makes everything make sense now, but it sure doesnt make the hurt any less.....I feel so worthless and unloveable right now I would just like to lay down and die.<P>Looking back and realizing that the past 7 years were nothing but an illusion.....I feel like I am ripping in part all over again........I cried for an hour......and I am sure when I get home, I will cry some more.<P>She said she had no desire for us to be friends, that she felt I had betrayed her by believing she was drinking.........I am not even sure we could be, but I would like to think we could, but maybe it is just because I miss her so much. (or who I thought she was)<P>I need to go.......I need to get home and lie down.<P>Ben

Ben,<P>She has used honesty here as a cruel weapon to hurt you. Telling you she relied on you for your strength when she was weak is the truth. Telling you she was with you for the wrong reasons is the truth. Telling you that she has never found you sexually attractive is... NOT THE TRUTH. It is a cruel, ugly, hateful, spiteful thing to do - and she knows men well - I can't imagine a better way to destroy a man's ego than by attacking his virility.<P>I will also point out how she, still playing victim here, is trying to put the blame on you - that somehow YOU betrayed her by thinking she was not sober. Ben, you watched her bizarre behavior, do you really believe her? As an outsider, I have my doubts.<P>You have alot of pain to work through, this is the place to be. You have some ego crushing blows here to overcome, most of us here have been there.<P>I will also add, as a middle-aged babe of sorts, that you are the kind of man who attracts the right kind of woman, when they have grown up too.<P>Keep that chin up! You will survive, and become a better person for this heartache.<P><BR>

Ben, <BR> I hadn't seen this post until now. Remember <BR>our 1st step powerless over ???? whatever it happens to be. Her dinking druging or not is not the issue dry drunks are real too. Fact is Fact this woman has a disease that is cunning baffling & powerful. Just say there is a disease called purple dots & the only way the professionals say someone could be recovered from this disease is to be left completly alone to deal with this them selves any interference from loved ones could kill them><BR>What would you do? <BR> I would hope someone would love me enough to let me go so I can get better. You see my disease is much like your wife's. People let me go & I got better.<BR> Alcohol & drugs & the behaviour are but symptoms of an underlying problem which in time God has revealed to me the problem is hurting so bad iside & sets up the disease process.<BR>Do you know what the ism is in Alcoholism <BR>is ? -ism= I Self Me. This is her disease as well as yours. <BR> This may come out harsh my friend. Know that it is a gift given with much love. AlAnon's too have the -ism AlAnonism -ism I Self Me. Do you love for her or you for your need to be needed? Think about this. <BR> I had to face a very harsh truth. My husband does not choose to have a life with me. ouch! Can I live through this? Yes I can. Can I love him? Yes I can. Loving him means accepting him as he is. Am I with him. No today I am not. His choice. What is in the future God knows that is his job. <BR> Some very loving people on this site have given you much wise advice. Be a wiseman. I know you are. You don't have to stop loving her just stop assisting in killing her. More alcoholis & drug addicts have been killed by enabling in the name of love than any disease known to man. I know I watch it daily. Love her enough to let her go.<BR> If it is meant to be it will be. Give youself a chance at your own happines. <BR> Don't buy that sexual crap either Love is a choice & so is sexual intimacy. I know your wife very well because through the steps I have recovered from the very disease she has.<BR> Protect yourself & reason things out with others who can see beyound your rosecolored glasses. <BR> I understand & feel your pain just as I feel hers. Let Go & Let God do his bussiness He is much better at it than we are.<BR> Get in touch with me please. I feel God has put you in my life for a reason. I see him sending you life preservers everywhere grab one before you drown. <BR> With all of His love,<BR>Gypsy<P>HoneyWest Ditto!!!!!!<BR>You are a special lady & have such insight.<P>Cinderella, <BR> Every time I see your name I think Of the C&W song Cinderella you know the one where in the chorous Does the shoe fit now ? Smile. I guess not LOL. I relate so much to you. You too have so much to offer.<P><BR>Ben ,<BR> Something else I thought about Don't let her take you down with her. You have too much to offer a woman who would truly appreciate you. For You! As you will her. Love is accepting somene as they are. Embrace your unlovableness your unworthiness the other side to that coin is you are loveable & worthy. Trust God & the Process. <BR> With His Love to all of you!!!<P>------------------<BR>Gypsy

Ben - I heard some of those same things from my x. Hurt me terribly. He "ripped my heart out and stomped that sucker flat." And in the process he lied to me and to himself. <P>To this day, I don't know what his problem is but I do know that on at least two occaisions, while we were going through the death throes of our marriage, he called me on the phone, from work because he was suicidal. And he called for me to save his life. I saw he got the help he needed right then. (I immediately got his therapist on the phone and had him take over.) I did what I had to do as a Christian. I still don't regret it but I couldn't fix his underlying problems and that was something I had to accept.<P>In my darkest days, I have understood how a person could kill their children then kill her/himself. I wanted out badly and I wanted my children to not have to endure the present agony or the future struggles. However, I knew, as a child of God, that He was with me. That the road might not be easy but he would get me through it. And He has. He has always been there. (By the way, while I understood how someone could commit those acts, I never thought about how. I knew it was not an option. I simply felt the dispair and could see the lure of it to someone who didn't feel God's love.)<P>Do you have a church home? I was blessed with one where, though most people are sort of clueless on divorce, there were some people with true love for me. I walked and cried in their midst for a long time. I encourage you to seek out such a family and to continue AlAnon. SAnon was wonderful to me and extremely beneficial in my own healing although x has no clue he has any problem. Your own spiritual, financial, and emotional recovery are all you can work on. That's your job. Work on you. And it will all, eventually be ok>