She called today......chewed my [censored] out....told me she was never in love with me, that she felt grateful and obligated to me for helping her get sober. Said moreover, she was never sexually attracted to me, and that was the reason for our problems in the bedroom, not her childhood.<P>I am having a beer......and contemplating my life........

Sorry. I know how you feel tho, like your whole life's been a lie. I just look at it as tho it can only get better from here, because here is so low down I can't possibly go any lower (that is, after my doctor visit today). I feel like I'd like to just drop out of society or something. Can you tell I've had a bad day? Sorry again.<P>------------------<BR><BR>Kathy

I want you to know I have always been a lurker, and hardly ever post... I have come here to try and find an answer for my self, by reading others threads, as to how to move on, and go about my life, as though they (the betrayer) didn`t exsist any more.. since that is the way I have been being treated by my ex for quite some time now... and I read all the time, from so many that are feeling the same as you do now.. such greatness.. wishing I had that kind of strength too.. they are all so supportive here.. keep reading.. your gonna make it..<P>I also want you to know, this feeling you are having right now I have also had, and plenty of times too, but you know what.. you are allowing them to win again.. they get to live, as they see fit, in there selfish little world, and will never get to hear just how good we are doing or that we have all moved on and realized "THEY ARE" the waist of time.. <P>I have been sep/almost divorced now for 21 mths.. I STILL have my VERY BAD days.. (just yesterday I again contenplated taking my life) and this is NOT!!! THE ANSWER..!!!! but I am still rollercoasting constantly..<P>If you could focus on you, for just one day at a time.. I promise it will all fall into place in time.. AND!!! she will see that you have become a better person.. and have forgotten about her.. and have moved on.. <P>knowing this kind of personality your dealing with.. she WILL RE-THINK HER STEPS.. but maybe it will take a long time.. and it may be quite a bit down the road yet.. <P>My situation is so different, because I was cut off with communication instantly, (even though we were together for 12 yrs, and have a 12 yr old girl together) he won`t even talk to me, he won`t even look at me.. if we bump into each other, he totally avoids all eye contact, and just keeps driving or walking to his car.. not one stitch of remorse.. cold as ice, and he will never change, because this is his third time doing this.. I feel this has now become a pattern in his life, and he only has so much time before he can`t handle the emotional issues or ties any more.. It averages about 12 yrs!!!!<P>I was his second wife.. and he had a live in, in between the two marriages.. and now he is on his 4th victom...!!! (I call her perdue!! and beleive it or not, she even has hardly any hair!!) <P>but the answer, as I have heard over and over again, is that the best revenge, is to live a full and fun life, with, or with out them.. it is their choice, and we can not control what they decide...<P>I know it will be a cold day in H--L before I get over this completely.. OR! I may NEVER GET OVER THIS.. and I know for a while I will never trust or love some one the way I do/did my ex.. because I have (for the time being) lost all faith, and hope, and any feeling that may have helped me/us back in the beginning, and right now, I have even lost all my desire to even enjoy life any more.. I know that this is depression that has taken me over, by storm, and I will unfortunatly live through this.. but I also know I have family and freinds, that do care, and love me and I have my daughter who I cherish so very much, and don`t want her to live her whole life with out me.. <P>I some times feel I have no choices right now.. (and well, in the divorce, this is true) but not in my life.. this is false.. we do have choices, and you are drinking your self, into making a bad choice.. nothing good will come of this, but allowing HER! to win.. <P><BR>Let me end this with a question, is she that worth it.. taking your life? some one who is better then her??? <P>I don`t think so!!!<P>people say such wicked things when they`re angry.. she sounds like a looney.. take it where it is coming from.. a looser.. some one that hasn`t got a clue to what being a real human being is even like any more.. there in the selfish mode.. and it seems their there to stay, for quite some time yet.. <P>you take care of you.. your the only one that can, and the only one that will.. so please think this through.. and don`t let her get to you...<P>Av <BR>

Ben,<BR> I am worried about you.. at least post something so I know your ok!!!!!<P>PLease!!! <P>AV<P>

Numbheart<P>Sorry....I couldnt take another weekend alone so I left and went back to Dallas this weekend to be with friends, just got back today.<P>Thank you for your post.....I understand and I hope for you too all the best and a full life ahead of you.<P>I think the things you said are very true, and echo many of my sentiments.<P>I know the rollercoaster will continue for some time, and I am just trying to take it one day at a time.......which is much better than a few weeks ago when I was at one hour at a time.<P>Thanks again, and I am hanging in there.<P>Ben

I`m just glad to hear your alright.. <P>AV