I met with some friends I hadn't seen for 8 yrs(she was my d's babysitter). We were coming home from their church when their 13 yo son asked where my kids where ? I told him with their mother and he asked where was she?<P><BR>I told him we were divorced. He then asked if I still loved her? I wanted to tell him, no, but that seemed to imply since I didn't love her, then it was okay to divorce her.<P>His parents stepped in and rescued me. I'm not sure how I would answer next time a youth /child asks me that.<P>I guess the best analogy would be to ask them if they had ever lost a pet or had one die. But found out it had actually gone to live with someone else and wouldn't come home.

I think honesty with children is good as long as it's sprinkled liberally with tact. The lost puppy analogy is a little trite for a 13 year old. <P>What if you said something like, "She and I loved each other very much but we drifted apart. I still care for her as a friend and the mother of my children and wish her all the good things life can bring her."<P>This would work for any age child or even adults.<P>God Bless, KristyAnn

RWD,<BR>I'm glad you asked this question. I think the impression that kids get when divorce happens is that it is ok to divorce if you don't "love them" anymore. So, the first time some crisis comes along in their future marriages, they think it is ok to bail. <P>I don't like the drift apart, or just didn't work out answer. It implies that if you and your spouse drift apart, then there is nothing one can do to get it back together. I think you tried very, very hard to get it back together. That is why it is so hard to tell people what happened.<P>My personal favorite is, "we had problems, and my ex didn't want to try anymore". I add in there "I will always love him and care what happens to him". That is just me. I'm not "in love" with him right now, but I will always love him. I do like the part where you could express care and concern for her well-being.

Hi<P>What an odd question for a 13 year old? I don't know what I would have said - I have been asked that same exact question by friends of my 8 year old. It threw me the first time, but now I just smile and say that divorce is very complicated, and add, but it is very sad, isn't it? That always gets a yes response from them, and I know it gets them thinking how thankful they are for their parents - that ends it. <P>

I usually say something to the effect of, "It's very complicated but things changed so that we could no longer live together. I'm not happy that it happened and wish it could be different. This was not my choice but there are somethings over which you have no control." Now, I wouldn't say that last sentence to a 13 year old. But that's generally my answer to people to whom I don't want to give any details. To people who need a little more I give the fairly vague addition of, "[Roll eyes] I know I'm not perfect and what my roll was shortcomings were. But, he said he made a mistake when he married me and that he didn't want to be married anymore. He said he had found a chance for happiness and, though he didn't know if it would pan out, he was afraid not to take it. [Roll eyes, again]"<P>Not everyone gets the expanded view, however. I have to pick and choose them. And I would never say that to a child.

RWD,<P>After reading post from The Student, I have to agree that children should not be given an impression that it's ok to "drift apart" and bail out on marriage. I agree that they should be taught that marriage is a commitment that should be stood by through thick and thin (that sort of sums up our vows). <P>But how do you convey that to a child that is so impressionable? It's hard to uphold the sanctity of marriage, not put down the WS and protect the child's innocence and vulnerability all in a couple of sentences -- and without going into any gory details.<P>I'd like to hear more ideas on this myself.<P>God Bless, KristyAnn

I don't use the term divorce, X, etc with kids.<P>I say they are with their mother at her house. Or I say they will be with me at my house.<P>I have heard kids at parks talk about mom's house and dad's house, and it is understood through that wording that the parties are not living together, possibly divorced. If they ask are you divorced, I only answer yes or no, no explanations.<P>I saw a colleague from a previous job I left 5 years ago last weekend. I never mentioned it to him anything about divorce, just talked as though we were still married. He didn't need to know.<P>My mom wants me to tell everyone so that she won't spill the beans by accident. I tell her that everyone is on a need to know basis.<P>If i have to tell someone because they have to reach me at a new phone number, I just say that my STBX didn't want to be married anymore. and I get lots of "i'm sorry" and I respond with "These things happen." end of story.<P>that's the way I see to handle it right now.<P>keep it simple, and let the parents do the long explanations.<P>thl<p>[This message has been edited by WhenIfindthetime (edited August 15, 2000).]

Hi Bob,<P>I just say that its a long story and we no longer live together. I have never once denied love, because I will always love him. Too bad he knows that and uses it against me every step of the way.<P>Prayers, Dana<BR>

Hi Bob,<P>I'm with Dana... I can't imagine I'll ever say that I don't love David and care about what happens to him. I would say something like "we loved each other, but couldn't live together"... I know, it even sounds stupid when I read it here, but damn if it isn't the truth of it. <P>I sure as heck wouldn't go into the big story... "yeah Jimmy, David had a few affairs and one thing led to another... and then I had one, so as you can see Jimmy... we really messed up. Don't do that when you get older and married, okay Jimmy?" <BR> <p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited August 15, 2000).]

The question really came out of left field, as we were just leaving church. We weren't even talking about my kids. I thought I could just say they were with their mother and that would be the end of it, but the kid asked the next question.<P>It is interesting, to me at least, how this kind of ties in with Nellie's thread, Russian Roulette. At this point I can't say that I still love my x or even care what happens to her. I hope I don't feel like that forever.<P>

RWD,<P>I'll be asked many such question when I go back to teach my 8th graders in September (CCD class).<P>I've thought a little about your question..."I told him we were divorced. He then asked if I still loved her?"...<P>The answer that would come to my mind is that...<BR><B>I love her the way God would have me love her... and now we are separated</B>.<P>...if this isn't your answer...<BR>...why not?<P>Maybe the word "divorce" could/should be used instead of "separation"... but that would be age/context dependent.<P>Just a thought.<P> <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited August 15, 2000).]

Jim,<BR>I'm just not there yet. I still am in a lot of pain and I hold her responsible for that. It is getting better, slowly, everyday. I don't want to be this way, but I guess thats the price one pays.<P>Taking my own advice and Hanging in there!<P>Bob