I am engaged right now, we both love each other very much, but our relationship is in jeopardy. <br>Every time we get off the phone or leave I always tell her that I love her and she replies beck with the same. I do nice things for her all the time such as rubbing her back and/or her feet after a long day, taking her out to dinner, shopping, etc.<br>But our sex life is just not there. Her reply is that she is never in the mood and she does not have a sex drive. This is something that I guess I cannot grasp the concept of, but it is just very difficult to understand. <br> She never wants it so we don't do it, but maybe twice a month. Even when we do have sex, I feel like it is out of pity and she just lays there. We are not even married yet and this is frustrating me very much. <br>I am concerned about what could possibly change after marriage if anything.<br>We are in the process of moving out into our own place but I am scared of not having my needs fulfilled. I am a very sexual person and that is a way that I show my love to her.<br>We both live with our parents right now but even when we have time alone - STILL NOTHING!<p>We have had many knock down, drag out fights about this topic and this is really effecting our relationship. I would like to know what I might expect either after moving in together or after marriage and she would also like to know how she could change her views on sex, ( either that or a way to put her in the mood more.)

Does her religion have anything to do with her attitude? Does she have issues about pre-marital sex? Does she have any trust issues? Was she ever abused? Has she had bad sexual experiences before? Is she depressed? Is she over weight? Is she going through hormonal changes? Does she get good sleep and rest? Is she stressed out? <p>If this is just the way she is, I don't know that you can expect any improvement after marriage. Personally,there is no better way in my opinion to express love and just kissing my husband is enough of an enticement! Then that's just me. If it actually bothers her, she can get some medical help or eat foods that can help on a natural level. If it doesn't bother her, that's more of a problem. I would hope that anything that bothers you would bother her and she would be prepared to do something about it and vice versa!<p>Some people can live without sex in their marriage but it sure contributes greatly. I would hate you to get married and feel that you have to look elsewhere which would have it's own set of ramifications and would be just plain wrong! Talk to eachother and think carefully.<p>Good luck Brian.<p><br>Fionn <p>[This message has been edited by Fionn (edited 11-17-98).]

fionne,<br>No she does not have any problems with premarital sex, not overweight, or depressed.<br>One problem that I could possibly think of is that it hurts her. She is about 4'11" 110lbs and I am 6'2" 215lbs. She is always afraid to ask her gynocologist about this problem and is very embarrassed talking about sex. I was wondering if anyone else has had this problem and if so, what can be done?<br>Something has to be resolved soon, I am an emostional wreck.<br>Yes, you are right. I dont want to have to go somewhere else to get it after I am married. I enjoy very much making love to her. Everything is great for me. I lover her body, her smell, her touch, etc. The only problem it is not there for her. I don't feel that I am doing anyhting different than when we first met, but I don't feel that she looks at me the way hse used to. Just very confused.

Brian7,<br>I have been married for 3 years. My H seems the same as your wife. Never initiates, never wants to, and offers many (what I think are unusual) excuses. Not excuses like I'm too tired tonight & etc. but excuses like he just simply is not interested. and does not seem to enjoy sex with me. In all other aspects of the marriage he's loving and committed. I, like you, do not understand and I thought it would get better and it is not and now I am tired dealing with it and I feel very trapped. I believe when you decide to get married to someone all things need to be going for you. They don't have to be perfect but if something is non-existant you will probably be headed for trouble.<p>didi

Brian7,<p>I doubt you'll like what I'm going to say, but it is my honest view. I don't think you two need to get married. At least not now.<br>Marriage is hard work. I don't mean that in the sense of drudgery but it requires sustained, consistent effort. And this effort MUST have this core ingredient: selflessness. Right now you are hung up on something that should not even be happening before marriage. Yes, I'm obviously inserting my religious view here.<br>But even if you reject that the fact remains that there is a serious problem that needs resolving before entering into marriage. As bad as it seems now it will most definitely be worse once you're married.<br>Plus you're losing something with demanding sex before marriage. When I met my wife she made it clear there would be no sex before marriage. Sometimes when we were togetherthe petting and kissing would get pretty hot. But she would always cut it off before anything happened. And because I knew her values (which I didn't particularly share at that time) I respected her enough not to press. Sometimes she would even not come around for a while just to let things cool down. <br>I cannot tell you how much respect I had for her once we were married because she did that.<br>So, bottom line. I understand you're being a "very sexual person". What man isn't? But you simply don't have the right to be demanding any sex from your girl friend. If you don't have the maturity level to resolve this now (and she has something to do on her end as well) then you should certainly avoid marriage anytime soon.<br>I'm sure this is NOT what you want to hear, but the hell you would enter into in marriage because you didn't get this thing striaght would be far worse than anything I say now.

This becomes a bit redundant in these postings, but I think you need to read "His Needs/Her Needs." I would say I have been in the same situation as you, but for 10+ years of marriage. Also, my wife never really complained or seemed concerned (until just recently), but it was obvious we weren't in sync.<p>After reading just a few chapters, I now realize how I've been messed up for years as far as sexual relations (i.e., failure to understand a woman's needs). The prior reply that "things won't get better after marriage" is probably true, UNLESS you both come to terms with each others needs. I hope I have "seen the light," and things will come around for us. I just wish it would have been sooner. Take advantage of the fact that this is out in the open now, and hopefully you can "fix" things now rather than suffering years of frustration and confusion. <p>

Hi Brian,<p>I agree with those who suggested that you work this out BEFORE you tie the knot. If you're already about to go nut, imagine yourself after 8 or 10 years of (probably) even LESS sexual fulfilment. (IF you can last that long before being bonkers!) You'd be prime material for an affair.<p>As IP suggested, get and read "His Needs, Her Needs" and maybe even "Give & Take", both by Willard Harley. MORE IMPORTANTLY... Get your fiance to read them too. <p>As someone pointed out, YOU need to learn what it is that your mate desires to satisfy HER needs, and SHE needs to learn how important YOUR needs are. <p>Yoy need to approach her very lovingly and cautiously about reading these books - not in an acusing way. ("You need to read this!")<p>Obviously, you love this woman, but you need to approach marriage with your eyes wide open. (Which reminds me of a joke - which is all too true!)<p>The wife of 15 years says to the husband: "I was crazy when I married you!" The husband replies: "Yes, but I was in love and didn't notice!"<p>I'm saying this from a "If I only knew then what I know now standpoint". I hate to say it, but if you can't be assured that you and your intended can negotiate to FULLY meet ALL of each other's needs, you shouldn't get married.<p>Val<p>PS. The point about premarital sex is valid, but it raises the question about what happens to a newly-married couple who had no idea their sex drives were so different. Not having sex before marriage is a hollow victory if you divorce 2 years later because lack of "sexual compatability" drives either of you crazy. <p>It's a scary concept - you can't try before you buy, but you can't return it either!

Brian, after reading your reponse to my post and the subsequent responses a number of things come to mind. 1, the difference in your physical size does not automatically mean that you may be hurting her. Without getting into detail the human body is well able to adapt - membraneous tissue and all that. 2, Psychologically, your Fiancee sounds like she is not sexually mature which is indicated by her inhibition/embarrassment re talking about sex. 3, If she feels uncomfortable talking to her Gynecologist she may want to get one that has the skill of making her feel comfortable enough to talk about anything relating to her body. it's very important to have that relationship with your Gynecologist! 4, Is there any possibility that she may have an inverted uterus? If this is the case it can mean that when a man enters a woman the 'male appendage' may hit/touch off a part of the uterus because it is inverted(the uterus that is)and can cause considerable discomfort - this is worth serious thought and investigation as it could be the problem. If so I believe there are positions that can accommodate this problem to begin with. 5, Why do you THINK it might hurt her? Don't you have a relationship whereby she is able to let you know definetly yes or no that it does hurt her? Even though she is inhibited can't you establish that. 6, You didn't mention whether or not her religious beliefs are interfering with things. 7, Sounds to me like she may not actually want to be having sex now for whatever reason and therefore is not relaxed or welcoming enough, which is nothing necessarily to do with you. 8, Even though religious beliefs may not play a part, some girls subconsciously think that sex is 'wrong' or could be 'dirty' or if they give too much of themselves they stand to lose, Vulnerability. <p>There could be a myriad of reasons which very open and trusting conversation could help. I hope you don't think I am being partronising, that is not the intent at all, just trying to think of what the problem could be, trust may be,not just you but any man!<p>Hope these thoughts provoke something that can lead to a solution.<p>Good luck to you both.<p><br>Fionn <p>[This message has been edited by Fionn (edited 11-18-98).]

Brian, a further thought, you said that you are an emotional wreck about this. Is there a possibility that she senses this which is in turn compounding the situation? That could put a lot of pressure on a young bride to be! <p>You haven't mentioned how old the two of you are!<p>Fionn<p>[This message has been edited by Fionn (edited 11-18-98).]

Fionn,<br>We are both 23 years old, but we both think that we are pretty mature for our age. This seems to be the only problem that we cant get past.<br>The reason I know it hurts her is every time we make love, her face is all clenched up and she more or less makes painful noised. I know the body is supposed to adapt but for some reason it is not. Afterwards she always lays there in pain for a while. That is the main reason that I think she does not like it.<br>Her religious views I dont think any thing to do with this problem, she was the one who initiated it the first time we ever made love.<br>I am at a loss of what to do in this situation. I really do love her but I don't know how easy it would be to resolve this problem. Thanks for all of your advice.

Brian,<p>From your last post, either your girlfriend is in pain or pleasure. First off, if your relationship is not such that she can talk about it, you two should definitely NOT get married until you two can communicate better. If it is pain, than you are abusing her. And I mean that you are abusing her to the point of criminal assault.<p>You have several HUGE problems in your relationship: sex, but more importantly communication. In my opinion, you should not get married until these issues are resolved either together or through counseling. I know when I was your age, money would have been a big factor in going to counseling. Premarital counseling is a whole lot less expensive than a divorce.<br>

You have gotten some excellent advice here, herres my two cents along with what others have said.I personally didn't understand what parents you are living with. I can tell you that living with my parents while married, just knowing my mom was in the house made me uncomfortable, and didn't want sex!<br>1)This is not the time to get married, what is now will be later.<br>2)Stop haveing sex, stop demanding. <br>a)She can't talk about it, she can't do it without feeling uncomfortable or a burden.<br>b)You need to re-establish/reaffirm what you had prior to sex.<br>c)You need to bring more trust back into the relationship without her feeling she is "going to have to do it"<br>3)Kiss and cuddle without sexual intend, touch her arms, hands, you know, beaffectionate without sex or petting.<br>4)When you have gotten her confidence, then start all over, petting with clothes on, she how she responds, do not initate anything more.<br>5)petting, cuddling without clothes. NO PENETRATION.<br>6)Begin to kiss her all over, and perhaps oral sex for her, no pentetration, relieve yourself alone if you have to.<br>7)When the time comes when she is comfortable, then have penetration, but not full thrusts, just the head of your penis.<br>8)Pray for her healing, in every way, emotionally, physically and spiritually and mentally, without any conditions, reservations, or thoughts for your own satisfaction.<br>My experience with my first husband was horrible. I was not prepared for sex, he was demanding,before and during, it hurt, because I was not relaxed, I didn't trust him,I felt overwhelmed with his aggressiveness and I wasn't emotionally prepared for sex, I was 23 yo by the way,I was even tense when he was affectionate, afraid "we were going to do it". My mother never talked about sex, except she told me men's bodies were ugly.I personally was not prepared in any way for marriage and it's responsibilites, let alone sex, different positions and intimacy. It all seemed too fast for me at the time.This is just my past experience when I was younger. She COULD have a medical problem, but alot of what you describe sounds like me when I was her age.<br>As a very sexual person, in a 6 yr marriage, being sexless for 4 of them, I tried everything to bring up his interest, I have learned to channel that sexual intensity into art and creativity. And I can tell you there are times it physically hurts not to have sex. But I can't force my husband either...why would I want someone who does appreciate what is happening? Sex is sacred<br>and spirit/soul combining, becoming one.It has to be consentual even in marriage. When I was younger, I felt raped because he never made me feel comfortable or had patience with me OR wanted to find out what my emotional needs where, I certainly didn't know what my seexual needs were, cause I didn't get beyond "oh God, I HAVE to have sex." Back then I was too frightened to even talk to anyone about it, once I did ask my GYN if I was normal "down there", if I looked okay,my husband would get frustrated and said I was ugly "there" or just degraded me for not wanting to do it. We fought alot.I welcomed divorce...and have never regretted it. <br>Whatever she is experiencing it is very real to her...and it sounds like she needs some prayer, counseling and open communication with you. THERE is alotof wonderful information from Dr. Harley. Just to let you know, in the list of priorities in marriage and what is important, sex is a top priority with me in marriage, with my husband, it is low in priorities. Of course he told me that AFTER we were married .So bottom line what IS important? Communication and getting to know each other, which you two haven't done yet. Haven't you gone to premarital counseling/workshops put on by churches? It would behoove you both to do it, instead of trying this alone, to see if you two can be compatible together in the long run...which IS what marriage is about, LONG TERM commitment. JADE

Hi Brian,<br>My two cents worth too. You got some really good advice from Jade on the just plain physical aspects of making love. You have not mentioned if either of you have had other lovers; if you have, did they seem to be satisfied with your love-making skills? There is a good book out "How To Make Love to A Woman" which you may find helpful in breaking down her reserve. It may be helpful to here tor read the other "How to Make Love to A Man" or "HTML to Each Other". <br>I would not advise marriage for you two right now. It seems to be the experience of all the married couples I know that sex seems to taper off after a while.....although it becomes better and better!!<br>Good luck!