Tim,<P>I didn't want to have any negative vibes on your thread in the GQ forum...<BR>...in a way...<BR>...you already know you are a success story!<P>You've traveled down the Plan A / Plan B / divorce route...<BR>...and have healed yourself as much as you can.<P>My question is...<BR>...now that your divorce is almost final...<BR>...are you continuing with Plan B?<P>I know you felt you had to tell Val...<BR>...about the papers being filed...<BR>...and I can completely understand that...<P>...but for your own sanity...<BR>...for you to focus on you... in any new "dating" situation...<BR>...are you going to <B>purge</B> your life with Val to make your next relationship healthier?...<BR>...to not have tha panges of "could-have-been" invade a new relationship?...<BR>...and Plan B has <B>never</B> meant hate the spouse (on the contrary... love the spouse... in a more "Christian" form of love)<P>I wonder?...<BR>...since, as you know, my divorce should be on October 10th...<BR>...and I never quite made it to Plan B myself...<BR>...but will have to consider it shortly after the divorce.<P>Thanks for your input...<BR>...I value your judgment.<P> <P>Jim

Hey Jim,<P>Boy, some pretty tough stuff here. I saw your post in the morning and have been<BR>thinking about it all day. I did want to give you some very real answers as these<BR>are some very real questions. So, not much of my signature humor in this post.<P><B>My question is...<BR>...now that your divorce is almost final...<BR>...are you continuing with Plan B?</B><P>Yes, that is my game plan. As you know we do not have children together, so there<BR>is no need to really keep open the lines of communication. If I would still answer<BR>the phone or drop by the office and be her friend I would be filling some of her<BR>needs. This would be extremely difficult for both of us to deal with emotionally.<P>It is not fair to me, Val or Brian for this triangle to continue. Something had to be<BR>done and it looked like I was the only one up for the job.<P>I did not do this to be mean to her as I have truly forgiven her in my heart, mind<BR>and soul for the affair and take full responsibility for my part of the demise of the M. It is the fact that she must learn a lesson from all of this or she will continue to carry emotional baggage into her next relationship. I can not help her in her<BR>journey. She must find the knowledge on her own. I do love her and want to see<BR>her happy. I am only sorry it could not have been with me.<P><B>I know you felt you had to tell Val...<BR>...about the papers being filed...<BR>...and I can completely understand that... <BR>...but for your own sanity...<BR>...for you to focus on you... in any new "dating" situation...<BR>...are you going to purge your life with Val to make your next relationship<BR>healthier?...<BR>...to not have tha panges of "could-have-been" invade a new relationship?...</B><P>Jim, I was fighting with myself to tell or not. I figured, hey, she didn’t tell me of<BR>the affair and I know she would be devastated to see the final decree in the mail. <P>It would hit her hard. I know she really does love me and is stuck in a hole of<BR>deceit. I see no need to inflict harm upon her as her conscience will do that on it’s<BR>own.<P>I could not do that to the woman/girl that I fell in love with 12 years ago. She has<BR>done me wrong. I have done her wrong. Two wrongs don’t make a right, just as<BR>two rights don’t make a marriage. [Two Wrights make an airplane, sorry, I couldn’t<BR>hold it much longer. ]<P>I am not going to purge my life of the last 12 years. There were good times and<BR>there were bad. I will draw strenght from the good and knowledge from the bad. I<BR>did not purge my first M either. I did learn from that as well. I will keep learning.<P>I feel that I have done everything humanly possible to bring about a reconsiliation<BR>to our relationship. It was just not meant to be at this time. I can walk away<BR>knowing I tried my best. There are no regrets. I will never say that it was a<BR>mistake to marry her. We did have some very good times that I will always remember.<P><B>...and Plan B has never meant hate the spouse (on the contrary... love the<BR>spouse... in a more "Christian" form of love)</B><P>I do not hate her. I do not hate anyone. I am displeased that the M has taken this<BR>turn. I do not hate Brian. Val is a great girl and anyone would like to be around<BR>her.<P><B>I wonder?...<BR>...since, as you know, my divorce should be on October 10th...<BR>...and I never quite made it to Plan B myself...<BR>...but will have to consider it shortly after the divorce.</B><P>Jim, This is for you to decide. You have children involved complicating matters. I<BR>have thought long and hard about signing the final document. This was not an easy<BR>task for me. This was done with love in my heart so that we both can move on. God willing, we may find each other again in the future and give it another chance.<P>Don't know if I helped you, but, I continue to pray for all on this board.<P>Wishing us all the Best,<P>Tim<BR>

Tim,<BR>Sorry this had to happen to you too, I thought you and Val might just make it. Its just so hard to understand why they can't let go of the op when they seem so close in coming back to us.<P>I also recommend the Plan B route in dealing with the spouse, only to avoid additional pain. I called my x in regards to the kids and anti-bob(the om) answered and I heard him say its for you hun. Ouch.<P>Then they other day I was dropping off my d and when I carried her stuff to the door and couldn't help but see a picture of x and anti-bob on vacation. Ouch again.<P>So now I just stay in the car and treat the x like a baby sitter, telling her only what She needs to know about the kids.<P>That is the other thing I found to be working for me. I was struggling because x refused to give me pickup/dropoff times. I thought about going to court, my lawyer suggested mediation, anad she wouldn't committ to that either. <P>So I noticed that she seemed to liek anti-bob controlling her so I decided to do it too. So now I just tell her what time to pick up and drop off the kids and its worked for the past two weeks. I thought she would ahve a fit saying I was trying to control her, and I am, but she hasn't said a word so far. I now have some control over my life!<P>Hang in there guys!<P>Bob

Tim...<P>Thanks... <BR>Your explanations helped...<BR>...and I know the time will come for me to go to Plan B too...<BR>...when it happens... it happens!<P>Bob...<BR>Thanks to you too... <BR>You're experience with children (post divorce) is one I am following...<BR>and ...you are a model dad!<P> <P>Jim