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Joined: Nov 1998
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First off, I love my wife and family and would rather not break this up but.....<br>She says she does not love me any more. She has withdrawn almost completely. There is no intimacy in any form. I have tried everything I know including counselling, etc... When I try to talk to her about my needs all she can say is that cornering her will not bring back what she once had. So, I have backed off. But without some sort of communication as to how this marriage is going to end up, I feel that I too am loosing that 'loving feeling'. <br>Where is this going? No idea here. Our life together is no better than maybe brother and sister. That can't be good. <br>I feel that she has painted me into a corner. If I try and talk out some of our problems, she blows up and says that it's over. We then fume about it for a couple of hours and if and when I appologize, then she will agree to just wait and see. <br>If I just back off completely, then I feel it's not going to work. I have needs too and I am not getting anything I need out of this. My 'giver' is tapped out.<p><br>At what point do I just give up trying, and move on with my life without this love?

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H,<p>If you've read any posts on this forum you know there are others here, myself included, who are in situations similar to yours.<br>No one can answer the question for you as to when you should give up. If you love your wife and family then the obvious answer to that is not until you know there is absolutely nothing you can do to save things.<br>Until then, if you want to save your relationship, you need to back off your wife and re-educate yourself on just what it means to have a relationship.<br>Every person on this forum who's mate has uttered those painful words, "I don't feel the same about you any more", or "I don't love you any more", is doing this.<br>It hurts like hell, and you'll be walking on your guts for a while. But if you're serious about keeping what you have then there is no other way.<br>In the process you'll be learning more about yourself, also. If your wife was truly convinced it was over she'd be gone. I can tell you from experience that if you press her she'll say things that make you feel that it's over simply because you're pressing her. But she doesn't really mean it. Not totally anyway.<br>Back off, learn what you need to learn, cry, vent. But don't talk about giving up just yet.

Joined: Nov 1998
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H<br>When I read your post, I could hear my wife's voice echoing like off canyon walls, saying things to me I NEVER expected to hear. I was shocked, dumbfounded & and stupified! =P My 1st & foremost question is, "why didn't you talk to me? Why didn't you let me know?" Well she was definately letting me know this time with my full attention! <p>I still don't know if she wants it over, or wants to resolve it. I know at the end of every day, I finally go to sleep totally exhausted, but knowing I gave with all my strenght and not once expected a thank you. This in my heart, tells me I gave my best - 100%.<p>I don't know when someone finally says "it's time to toss in the towel." I mean, she is... she told me. I heard her say it. Is it time to wake the hell up and get back into the ballgame, or don't let the door hit yer [censored] on the way out. <p>What I want? All I want is my wife back. She's been gone so long, and never even left. I miss hear so much and can't get her to open up enough to save this family and marriage. These are MY first thoughts every morning when I wake up.<p>She sees I've been consistent for sometime now about being a giver. Is it possible she is finally, but SLOWLY removing the bricks? Or could it be that I stayed up till 3:30am & finished something she needed done by today she obviously couldn't do. I got home from class at 10:15pm & she's sleepin on the couch as usual with a large stack of unfinished work. <p>This morning, I didn't wake up before 6am, normally, as usual... anyways.. She did wake me up about 7:30, and to my disbelief, I got a sincere thank you. <---- like that's supposed to reasure me of something? <p>When is it time to say enough is enough? Dude, until I don't care to give any longer. At times it seems like I'm at the end of the rope, and others a few feet away. We're still in the same house, at least I have that much. You just have to keep yer head down, both hands on the ball, and whatever you do, don't fumble. I don't think I have the strenght ti take 1 step forward & 3 steps back!<br>good luck dude. I hope you can get it worked out!<br>chance

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The short answer. Never give up. You made a decision to love her for better or worse. This is the worse part. Keep trying to talk open up and tell her honestly how you feel. It is very hard to be open with someone who will not reciprocate. It puts you in a very vulnerable position. But i'll bet she is worth it.<p>In time she will likely start to soften. You can only hope. I know this will be very hard for you but there was love thereonce and it can return.<p>Keep trying and my hopes are with you.<p>Good luck,<p>Mic

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Hi everyone,<p>I am experiencing the same difficulties with my wife as you guys are. I thank you for your support -- it does make me feel better to know that there is hope out there. However from reading the posts on this site, I keep seeing a pattern developing that I do not understand which angers and scares me a little. It appears that women have the tendency more than men to fall out of love with their mate. Could this be some kind of psychological or emotional problem some woman experience with sustaining long lasting love?<p>I ask this because I know many other relationships that have more problems than we ever did and they are still going strong. Do not get me wrong, I know I have faults but she does as well and I have learned to accept them, however she cannot accept mine.<p>Anyway, I got my wife to begin counseling this Thursday with me. I currently am trying to be the ultimate giver, which only makes her feel guilty. However, I did tell her that if the slightest bit of progress, which does not mean loving me again, was not made by the New Year that I would leave her. I do not want to start the New Year with someone who will not end it with me. <p>I told her this because I wanted to set a deadline so that if I am torturing her with guilt she can see the end of the tunnel for her being guilt free. She was actually relieved that I told her this. Also, I just feel that if she does not show the slightest sign of progress than I must move on and recover from this. I know this is selfish, but I feel that she has broken my heart and if her love for me does return then I will always have this insecure feeling in the back of my mind that this could happen again. Do you think I am wrong by setting a deadline?<br>

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PETERL<br>I posted about 2 or 3 weeks ago that I had done the same, but not new years. She still kinda moped around as usual for a day or so, and I said "why aren't you at least a little happier around here? We set a date, there's light at the end of the tunnel for you, if you really want to persue the divorce. I figured you'd be really happy about it." She really didn't say anything, but ever since I set the date.... it looms over my head. Every bad day that goes by, "D-DAY" is one day closer. <p>In the meantime, I'm giving, happily. Think positive & rid yourself the pesimistic attitude. Read all you can, and remember it well if you want the chance.<p>After feeling like I kicked myself in the teeth, I've been looking around as to where I may go. I don't think I could live in the same town as her. I love her too much & I doubt I'd be able to move on. She then sees that I won't be here at all for her. Gone forever. I've been telling her I may head back to SoCal, or try to get into a multimedia/graphics school in Phoenix. I changed my class registration to ensure at least a certificate of achievment because if I have to go, I'll have something to start with & only need 3 more classes for the AA. <p>I believe she sees, I'm serious about all of this. Especially wanting us to improve our marriage/family. I don't want a divorce, but I can't live like this much longer. I asked for 1 HONEST try at this. I know it will work if she'll try.<p>I've been giving & giving & giving. Today was the first day we talked (not of our problems) and enjoyed it. She was smiling and I made her laugh. I told her that it was absolutely wonderful to see her smiling like she used to... not that fake one pasted on. I think when I finished her work last night she brought home that was due to go out today as internal company mail, she might have removed another brick. I saved her butt (hehe) and she just may be trusting enough to work on our relationship. It used to be "i think we should think about a divorce," to "maybe I'll go to counsiling". I believe she is seeing she can trust that I'm totally sincere on repairing US. Today was a good day. I expect many bad ones to come, maybe tomorrow, maybe not, maybe for the next month....whatever it takes. I'm expecting it & will suck it up and be myself. My newly educated self from reading all I can and talking to these wonderful people who can share what your feeling. I hope all works out for you!<br>chance

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chance, I hope you take this in the spirit in which it is intended: an outside observer hoping to offer a little help and insight.<p>When I read your posts, I see you saying that you have a wonderful, positive attitude, that you have become a complete "Giver" and enjoy this role. But I also see you saying things that speak of resentment of this role. If that is coming through here in the flat, emotionless environment of the written word, it is very likely coming through in your body language, tone and other non-verbal communication to your wife.<p>Examples from your posts just in this topic:<br> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>She did wake me up about 7:30, and to my disbelief, I got a sincere thank you. <---- like that's supposed to reasure me of something?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><br>AND:<br> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I saved her butt (hehe) and she just may be trusting enough to work on our relationship.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><p>As I said above, this is not intended to be mean, but hopefully a helpful look from an outsider. Your words are saying, "I don't ask for thanks - I'm giving because I want to." But the message could be, "I'm giving and giving ... where's my thanks for that?" if any of the stuff you've been using as "comments" here comes through in your non-verbal communication.<p>Hope this helps some...<p>terri

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H,<br>You I am not familiar with your past posts.<br>How long have you been in this situation? How long have you been married? Do you have any kids?<p>I don't plan ever to give up. Four months ago I discovered my wifes affair. It went downhill from there. First there was "no passion" in our relationship. Then, she loved me, but was not IN LOVE with me. And then she was not in love with me. Now, she harbors resentment for me. <br>But, she is willing to give me/us time. As long as that is her attitude, I don't plan to give up. <br>Yes, it is terrible to go to sleep next to someone you have loved for years, who now doesn't love you. <br>Yes, it hurts like h--l. <br>Yes, it's confusing.<br>Yes, she's worth it. <br>If your wife is anything like mine, she is very confused and scared. Stand by her as long as you can take it. Try not to give up, or give in.<br>

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DO NOT GIVE UP!!! I endured the same gut wrenching comments from my wife. She said things to me that made me feel like she never loved me and never would again. Somehow, with the support of me people, including the people on this forum, I was able to stand by my wife. I supported her and took the verbal abuse because I knew she had something troubling her! I gave and gave to the best of my ability. After about two months of hell, my wife began to respond. She started showing signs she was returning to her formal loving self. We are not sure what triggered this crisis or what caused the situation to resolve itself! All I can tell you it happened. I felt she loved my all a long, but it was buried inside her personal turmoil. I thank god she is "back" with me. It was a horrible time in my life, but we have a better relationship because of it! We are closer than ever, we spend more time together and I feel more love than ever in our marriage. Why did it happen? What were the causes? etc etc. I don't care at this point! I am just happy that our relationship is better than ever. I know I will alway fear this situation could reoccur. But this makes me stayed focused on working continously on improving our relationship. I will never get lazy again and take our relationship and wife for granted again.<p>I know my ordeal wasn't as long as others have been enduring -but I never serious thought of giving up. Sure, in the heat of the moment I might have thought about it - but I could bear the thought I living without my best friend.<p>I know all our situations are a little different - but things can turn around! I am living proof that situations like this can turn out alright.<p>Good Luck!

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Kenw<br>Love to read about it. A HAPPY ENDING. That's why I stick to this forum. That gives me and others hope. That's why I can stand my wife saying: "I love you but I'm in love with the OM". She suffers from Major Depressal Disorder, but anyway that was tough to hear. I divorced her 2 months ago of selfrespect. That felt right to do. Now I'm waiting to see what happens, not seeing her or talking to her. Hoping I will be in the same situation as you.<br>Bo

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Terri!<br>I know exactly what you mean! There was a point in time where I would have scratched my head and said, "huh?" I wouldn't dare say a remark to her like that. Sometimes I get so frustrated and I know the time it could possibly take. This form sometimes turns to a safe haven for me, because when I have something that's just bugging me, before I open my mouth I'll come here & read, and sometimes try to add some encouragement, and sometimes run my mouth here. I'm sorry for that BUT, it's off my chest, I feel better not to mention, freshly reminded of current marrital status and I can continue on and not have it picking at me. Thanks for the reminder<br>chance


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