The last three nights I have set at home waiting and wondering where my wife has gone or what is she doing.<P>In our nine years of marriage she has never been one to go out. While I am waiting for her my mind dreams up all sorts of possible senerios. When in fact she is just out with female friends.<P>I wish I new a way to address the fear/anxiety that I feel when she is out. I so want her to understand my deep love for her and to become open to experiencing that love again!<P>Things I am currently doing are lots of prayer, talking with friends almost constantly, attending AA meetings ( 8 years next month ), going to Counseling, attending Church.<P>Any other suggestions?

You seem to be one step ahead of me, therefore I can't offer much advise on this subject. I, too, know this anxiety feeling. It is brand new to me. All throughout our marriage, I never took a second thought about what my wife was doing, I didn't seem to have all that much of an interest and now it's all I can think about. She doesn't seem to have changed all that much, and even though we are somewhat separated, she tells me that nothing has really changed in her life and that this is the way she's felt for some time and she is just continuing on where she left off. The only thing that has changed in our relationship is that I am now aware of how she truly feels. That is why it is so hard for me, I'm dealing with feelings that hit me just this past week or so while she has been dealing with these feelings for nearly the span of our marriage.<P>I wish I could help you cope with your anxiety, but the emotions we are currently going to have to deal with won't let us stop loving our wives. Just continue to show her how much you care about her and how much you are willing to become the husband she needs you to be. It may not work and it is so hard to give and basically receive nothing in return, but most likely we've had our chances to see the light and our blindfolds were simply on too tight.<P>I wish you all the luck in the world.<BR>Church sounds like a good idea for me.<BR>I think I will need some strength,<BR>perhaps I can find some there.

Doc, I have found some comfort at church and with prayer.<P>This is hard stuff, hang in their, keep your head up and do the best you can!<P>That is all anyone can ask!

HIO,<P>Hey there!<P>It is heck,going through all of this.......<BR>(I do know,been there done that!)<BR>It will trully drive you crazy,"if" you let<BR>it!<P>I will let you know what I did,don't know if it will help you........but it did give me some peice of mind.....(It wasn't much much you,I am a blonde after all!)LOL....ok,sorry had to add a little humor!<P>I just knew that my H was involved in someone!......(call it womens intuition!)<P>I too had many a nights wondering when he was out say playing his usual Monday night Hockey............was he really playing or doing something else?<P>After several months of "thinking" all sorts of things.......I then had a GOOD CRY and had this realization.<P>I saw it as I could do 2 things!<BR>1.)I could check up on him every waking moment,and follow him call him and so on to see what it was that he was doing......<BR>2.)I could forget about it.......and just CONCENTRATE ON ME.<P>Well,I am one that would much rather have the "Truth" and get it out and have all of the hurt and find a way to deal w/it,and make it work than to just not know!<P>So,I chose #1......I called him to see where he was (if he was where he said he would be.)<BR>I did follow him on acation.....I looked into all of are computer files,and bills and so on!.....<P>You know what it made it worse!.....I was a basket case!......<P>So,I started counceling for my self and my children!......I concentrated on my self and finally did things for ME!!!!!<P>Go do something for your self!<P>Hang in there!<P>Gina <p>[This message has been edited by w.g.up.h (edited August 17, 2000).]

Hurting,<BR>Gina has some great advice. Key in on yourself, don't concern yourself with what w is doing. I know, easier said than done, but it doesn't help. They will do what they want whether we know about it or not. <P>Also don't check up on her unless you can face something extremely unpleasant. My then w and I had a pleasant time on a joint thing with the kids. She kissed me good bye and left during a storm. I felt all melancholy and after a while I went by her apartment to see that she got home okay. Sure enough she did, as well as om. There were no lights on in the apartment. I could hardly make it home.<P>As for the fear, really there is nothing to fear. If w comes to her mind, she will return and your marriage can be saved. If not you will divorce and there is life after divorce.<P>I felt the same way. I was afraid I would be alone the rest of my life, but there are plenty of people out looking for someone. So I am no longer afraid of that.<P>As in everything else here, it takes time, but you can do it.<P>Hang in there.<P>God Bless,<P>Bob