My question is, Is it better for the children (when there is a divorce) when they are younger or older. Are children that are younger (below 4 years old)better to handle it then the older children such as 8 or 9 or even 11 years old?

When I went to my Children of Divorce class, the only thing really said about children's emotional health was that the saddest age group for divorce was 6-12 years old. I tend to agree. Very young children rarely understand what's going on and are usually (but not always) more dependent on the mother. I would wager in that case if the mother leaves it would be very traumatic, probably less so with a father. I am sure to get flamed for that remark, but I think it's probably true. As for teenagers, I know it's hard for them, but they usually understand the dynamic of what's going on better. I know my 14 year old has a real understanding of the choices his dad has made, but my 11 & 9 year old do not. I personally think divorce is sad at any age, but I think 6-12 year olds tend to take it the hardest. Just my opinion, mind you. <P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Katya:<BR>It is always hard for any child (even adult children ) to have their parents divorce. I have spoken to many professionals and the group that perhaps takes the divorce the hardest might be the 6-12 year olds, but adolescents who know the details of a parent's infidelity and ongoing affair etc, with all the mess of the "now adolescent" parent, have it really tough. How can they undertsand their own intimacies and relationships which are just developing when a parent is behaving in this way? This is so hard for anyone to deal with.......but when parents cannot work together as parents of the children (as I and H cannot) then it does not matter....the kids see all this and it is so tough.

My kids were 11 and 8 when x left. The kids have done real well in school and extra curicular activities. D is having some sleep problems that may not have to do with divorce.<P>As willbok said, they are now hearing us fight as we can not get along. X was particularly fiesty tonite with om adding fuel by telling her stuff in the background during our arguement over the phone.<P>

Hi,<P>I know for all of us, this is our greatest concern - the trauma for the kids. <P>My little one was 3, and has adapted well. He accepts things the way they are, he loves us both, he spends time with us both, he bonds well with people. <P>My older son was 5 - he is now 8. And he still has problems with it, he still cries at night occasionally about the divorce and missing daddy, he hates change. He still has nightmares, right now he is having a very hard time dealing with thoughts of my death. I remember thinking that as a child, fearing my parent's (especially my mother's death), but I don't recall telling them about it. I don't know if I am being oversensitive, but I worry about him, and am not sure what to do<P>I don't think there is ever a good time, I know this has permanently affected both of them. I know that older one is having a very hard time accepting another man, and with as close as he is to my father, whose health is failing rapidly right now, I just don't know how he is going to deal with that loss. <P>It is hard - my situation seems to go with the statistics.

It is hard on kids of all ages. My 19 year old is very upset with his mother. The 8 year old is withdrawn or in denial. He also is acting in a manner that is inconsistent with how he has been.<P>School starts Monday and we will see if he continues being a good student or if their are problems.<P>The 5 year old is very quite seems tearful alot.<P>Kids flat out don't wnat this to happen they want Mom and Dad together!

I agree with the 6-12 age group having the hardest time. How the parents handle the divorce and co-parent together is also a HUGE issue. My kids were 5 and 9 when I divorced. They had a difficult time with the divorce but an even harder time with their father coming and going as he pleased out of their lives, sometimes going almost a year without even a phone call (he lives 2 miles away). My husband's kids were 2 and 4 when he divorced. They have no memory of their parents living in the same home together and spend about 40% of the time with their father. They have adjusted very well.

Thank you for all the responses. It's just a very sad thing to see children in the middle of any divorce/separation. I was wondering how my children would be effected if I did leave (they are 2 and 4) and wondering if I would have to "put up" with my situation for many more years or the right thing to do is do it sooner. I have always thought of my children and would prefer not to divorce. But, I cannot tell of the future. My children are the most important things in my life and will do what it takes. It's so sad to hear of what "BonnieSlept" had to say about her ex not even visiting for a year. How devastating to the children. If your marriage doesn't work out, that's one thing, but to throw away the children also is really heartbreaking. I wish all of you the best of luck. Thanks for all the advice.