Hi all!<P>I've been a fairly regular presence on the Divorce-Busting site. I've found myself feeling overwhelmed by some of the hopelessness and despair and someone recommended this site. <P>Hadn't been here before, but liked what I read in the "main" section. Not sure that I'll be able to do anything about the Love Bank anytime soon, but like the concept.<P>My (nutshell) story:<BR>6 years together, 4 married, 3 kids. Got the "I don't want to be married anymore" speech 3 days after buying our first condo in May, 2000. Downward spiral over following week ending in psych ward for 8 days. Not allowed back into condo after out of hospital. W lied about not taking it to a D until I confronted her, then we got into verbal argument that she turned physical. Wrestled her to ground after being pushed & hit, then I went to jail. Haven't seen W or 3 sons since June - love our legal system! Won't be allowed to see W until Sept, 2002, so trying to put life together between now and then...<P>If anybody has suggestions on how to survive (intact, preferably) 2 years+ of enforced separation, during which the D will be finalized, I'd appreciate it!<P>------------------<BR>Hang in there,<BR>-Nathan

Welcome <B>nater</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>There are a number of issues you need to address and quickly...<P>I don't know your past history...<BR>...bu you definitely want to address "anger management"...<BR>Check out...<B>Anger Management:</B><BR><OL TYPE=1><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0806509376" TARGET=_blank><B>Anger : How to Live With and Without It</B></A> by Albert Ellis <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1879237970" TARGET=_blank><B>Angry All the Time :</B> An Emergency Guide to Anger Control</A> by Ron Potter-Efron, Ronald T. Potter-Efron <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0800786467" TARGET=_blank><B>Getting the Best of Your Anger</B></A> by Les Carter <BR></OL><BR>...and...<BR><A HREF="http://www.anger-stress-marriage.com/" TARGET=_blank>Anger & Stress Management Communication Skills for Marriages and Relationships in Conflict</A>.<P>Now...<BR>...you've gotten yourself into a big pickle already...<BR>...you need much better protection (legal) so I would recommend you get yourself a better-than-average attorney. A good place to start off is at the <A HREF="http://lawyers.martindale.com/marhub/form/by.html" TARGET=_blank>Martindale-Hubbell Lawyer Search</A> site. Do a search within your county... look for only "family law" specialists(>80% in divorce/custody/etc.)... make sure they do a lot of "family law committee work"... if they know the judges all the better... You can normally find a few that will give initial counseling free of charge.<BR><A HREF="http://www.uslaw.com" TARGET=_blank>USLaw.com</A> (an alternative search site)<P>...do get going on starting visitations...<BR><B>even if they need to be <I>supervised</I>!</B><P>Starting off at my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>Welcome</A> post...<BR>...get going on a "long distant" <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>.<P>Watch your anger...<BR>...and many prayers headed your way.<P>You are not alone...<BR>...my W also tried to goad me into hitting her...<BR>...and I, fortunately, as is my character, could/would never hit her...<BR>...and fortunately for me... she didn't touch me... and them blame me...<BR>...<B>that was luck</B>!<P> <P>Jim

Hey Nathan,<P>Welcome!.......(Man I just hate that....having to welcome someone new!,but you have found a great place for support and feedback!) <P>Man,you have been through the real ringer!<P>I am really sorry,that you have had to go through all of this! <P>I really don't have much to say in the way of advice.......but just wanted you to know that you will find great people here and get some great help!!<P>Hang in in there!<P>Gina <P>------------------<BR>"If we deny love that is given to us,if we refuse to give love because we fear pain or loss,then our lives will be empty,our loss greater!"-----Anonymous----

Nathan,<P>Welcome to the MB forum. I am sorry that you have had to join us under such circumstances.<P>You will find a lot of support and make many new friends here on the way. <P>To answer your question, survival is a TOUGH topic. Many of our situations are SO different here, but in the one aspect, they are all the same. We all came here to save our marriage. I think its safe to say , for the people I know, we all tried Plan A. <P>What are your plans on this divorce? Are you OK with it at this moment? Are you planning on trying to save the marriage?? What caused her to do this and did you have any signs?? Share some more information with us if you can.<P>I'd say , looking back to my situation, the first month was the absolute hardest. I'm surprised I didn't wind up in the hospital myself. I wish many times I did because I really would have liked some anti depressants to get thru this horrible mess. MY stbxH left right on Xmas. But no matter what day this happens, I would say that first month is the worst.<P>The best thing you can do is surround yourself with your closest friends and family and lean on them to help you through. It will take some time to get your head clear and figure out what YOU want out of all of this. <P>I know it is going to be hard, but truly time is what you will need to take right now to figure this out.<P>Keep posting, hang in there, it DOES get better, but not ever completely to what life used to be, sending a prayer, Dana<BR>

Thank you everybody for your kind words. Sorry to meet you under these circumstances.<P>Jim -<BR>I followed some of your links. I posted a fuller version of my story in the appropriate place and read up on the Plan A/Plan B. Just to clarify here: I never hit her. She hit me and I wrestled her to the ground to prevent being hit.<P>Gina -<BR>Thanks. I really like your quote - it speaks very directly to some of the things I'm trying to change in my life.<P>Dana -<BR>Well, I've survived that first month, along with the second & third, and am well into month four... Unfortunately, I'm not allowed ANY contact with her - including third party contact - and won't be until Sept, 2002. But I will be able to see my kids at some point during this process, so that will help.<P>As far as where I'm at with the D. I'm not going to make it easy. I'm representing myself (with an atty that I am consulting on an "as-needed" basis). When I say I'm not going to make it easy, I don't mean that I'm going to sling mud or quibble over every little thing. But I am going to make it take as long as possible. <P>I'm hoping that, with time & patience, I will be able to restore our marriage and build it stronger than ever. She caught me out of the blue and I didn't react in a constructive way. But now I'm gaining an understanding of what is needed (have 3 more books on the way from Amazon ) and intend to do whatever I can to salvage our life.<P>As far as what caused her to do this, I can only conjecture. I think she felt trapped into a role that she didn't want (stay-at-home) and didn't feel that I would accept anything else. I don't think I trapped her there, but my perception doesn't matter, only hers does, because hers is what she is acting on...<P>------------------<BR>Hang in there,<BR>-Nathan