The battle with the x resumed again tonite. I had to call her and find out when d was coming home from her grandmothers and who was picking her up. X said d didn't know when she was coming home(I guess d gets to make her own decisions on this stuff) and that I should pickup since she(x) took her plus she had to work that night.<P>Anyway, we picked up where we left off last night. She said I had problems if I couldn't understand that her job is inflexible. In regards to her not giving me times, she said that was because the kids always have sports things and those times always change.<P>Also she is working extra at 2 places to pay the exorbitant child support I get. She said she took less money at this new job and she can never earn what I do(this is probably true) and not near the pension I have(again true). She says people she talks too can't beleive how much she is paying. I tried to point out that figure was based on 1998 income too. She countered with she buys the kids alot of things I don't know about and she has the receipts to prove it.<P>I told her she has om to support him and talked about her vacations and she said om had his own bills to pay and his mother bought those trips for them. She then said I never took her on vacations. I guess she forgot all the ones we went on.<P>I tried to get back to the point about giving me times and she said all I have to do is call her and tell her to take the kids. I said what about work and she said there were two of them there and they could work something out.<P>And that gets to my point. How can I get used to om being around and possibly watching my kids. I think x will eventually just take the kids even though she has to work and live them with anti-bob. I don't want this but am powerless to stop it.<P>I didn't tell the x that I don't want him around the kids.<P>To top things off, om was in the background telling her things the whole time. She also said they are getting married. It might be next weekend as she was supposed to take the kids but said she was going out of town.<P>So, how do I came to accept om being around my kids even more ???????????

Bob,<P>Oh,man.........I don't have anything to say that will help you!<P>But I did want you to know that I am sorry that you are going through all of this mess!<P>You will be in my thoughts and prayers and hope for you to have the strength to get through this!!<P>Bob,take it easy and most of all hang in<BR>there!<P>Gina <P>------------------<BR>"If we deny love that is given to us,if we refuse to give love because we fear pain or loss,then our lives will be empty,our loss greater!"-----Anonymous----

Thanks Gina !<BR>Its just I don't know what to do. Its too late to talk to anyone tonite so I probably won't sleep. I guess I just have to accept this, have it rammed down my throay with no say so.<P>I guess I call all my counselors(paid and unpaid) to talk it out tommorrow.<P>I just don't want my kids around om. I don't have anything specific against him other than he is not their father.

Oh Bob, this is the hardest part....the kids and the OP. <BR>I truly feel for you....this is the hardest part. There really is nothing you can do.....you have no control over this and have to somehow let it not quite get to you.<BR> <BR>You must feel so down when X stated that she was getting married!<P>This is the insanity....you phoned to ask her when d was coming home and she is angry re Child Support and other issues.<P>My advice is <BR>1)when you call her about a specific reason such as the one re d's arrangements, do not allow her to pull you into any other topic. Her paying CS is not relevant to the topic you called about.<BR>Do not let yourself be pulled into other issues...especially where she "blames you"<BR>2)Since you are the CP, she should make the arrangements with you as to when children return to you, before she takes them....and you state that she said job is inflexible...well she knew in advance and yet later she states that there are 2 of them to take the kids, all you have to do is ask....again this is contradictory!!! if there are "2" of them "tomorrow", why is "1" not being responsible for returning d home "today"? <P>D went to grandmother and made the arrangements when with her mother, why are you then responsible for picking her up?<BR>The issue is that since your x and d made this arrangement without consulting you, then they have to sort the rest out....you are again being put in the position of being available whenever it suits X. Same old pattern of behaviour which you have the power and control to stop which will help reduce some of the insanity and give you back some control which you need in your life regarding the visitation.<P>Now, D is young and this is difficult for her and new where the "rules" keep changing.<P>What I suggest you do is sit down with d and in no way "bash" her mom and these visitation arrangements, but discuss the issues which will keep arising unless confronted now.<P>Explain to d that if she makes arrangements while at mom's home TO STAY ELSEWHERE and come home from there and not from mom's home, then she needs to call you and discuss exactly where she is etc and to make the arrangements with you re getting picked up, in the same way if she went to a friend while living with you and mom was not invilved in the arrangements (since you are the custodial parent.) <P>Explain to d that unless d is with mom, you have to know where she is.... at a friend, at a relation etc...everytime she changes locations and is out of your or mom's "responsibility"...this is not an option...it will lay the groundwork for teenage independence later and help her understand this, and save you power struggles with her in the future somewhat over this type of issue.<P>Hope this helps somewhat!!!!!<BR>She also needs to know that<BR>

I don't know if this will help with your work schedule, but I have a right of first refusal in my custody agreement. If either of us has to work and use child care during our parenting time, we must offer the other the time before having anyone else watch the kids. I have used this several times when she had time. She has never used it when I had time.<P>I feel the same way about OM. Where is her mind when she thinks she can just plug some other guy into my place and everything is OK?<P>I'll stop there before I get on another rant.

Willbok,<BR>In regards to to d going to grandparents. I did know she was going, but arrangements were made by x for the trip out. X assumed I would go as we had discussed this previously. Its not that I mind, but there was no concideration. I guess I could say no I can't make it, but then x and om would probably go and get her.<BR>In item 2 that is what I am trying to get her to do, but she refuses, blaming the kids schedule as I said. The last couple weeks I was just telling her when to pickup/drop off and it seemed to work until last nite when she forgot what she told me she would work.<P>Brian,<BR>I really haven't had to use a babysitter due to work other than a couple times, once for 2 nites when I hired someone and just this week when I sent him to a friend's for 2 nights.<BR>She has only taken them once when she was working and had om's mother who was in visiting them watch the kids.

First,<P>I have to let you know, I giggle everytime I read your posts when you refer to "anti-bob" that is absolutely perfect. Of course, my ex is referred to in my family (not around the kids of course) as "less than wonderful" (fill in the blank, either his name, or husband, or father).<P>But seriously, that is a tough one. I don't think you have to accept it before they are married, but if they are married, man. My heart goes out to you. I would have an exceptionally hard time with it, and have the utmost respect for those who can be mature about it. I, tend to revert to junior high - am not proud of it, but I understand that I do. So does my ex, of course. Maybe we did have that in common. Or maybe we are still able to hurt one another too easily. I don't know. No answer from me, but complete understanding.<P>And as far as custody goes, I bet your exwife has maybe thought about it, but I doubt her new husband will be so keen on the idea. I would guess a more likely scenario would be the kids just spending more time there. <P>