I READ WITH GREAT INTEREST THE POSTING ON PORNOGRAPHY AND THE RESULTING 45 RESPONSES TO IT!!<br>THIS MAY BE LONG WINDED BUT PLEASE BEAR WITH ME ..I AM/WAS MARRIED TO THE IDEAL HUSBAND. HE NEVER EVEN LOOKED AT OTHER WOMEN OR LET ON THAT HE HAD AN ATTRACTION WHAT SO EVER TO VIEWING NAKED WOMEN! WE ATTENDED MASS REGULARLY AND PRAYED TOGETHER. HE WAS VIEWED AS A DOTEING HUSBAND. HE WOULD EXPRESS THAT HE FELT MEN WHO RAN AROUND ON THIER WIVES OR WHO WENT TO STRIP JOINTS WERE DEPLORABLE! HE WOULD ALWAYS REMIND ME THAT WHEN OTHERS WOULD INVITE HIM TO GO TO THOSE KINDS OF PLACES HE WOULD FLATLY REFUSE - SAID HE HAD NO INTEREST. ALSO DURING THE FIRST YEARS OF MARRIAGE (WE WERE MARRIED FOR 6) I BOUGHT BOOKS ABOUT KUMA SUTRA AND BOUGHT MASSAGE OIL ETC..HE WOULD SAY "LAURA!" WHY ARE DOING THIS? HE ACTED INCREDULOUS.....SORT OF LIKE LAURA I AM SO SURPRISED BY YOU!<p>I FOUND OUT IN LATE MAY THAT I HAD THE CLAP AND PID. I HAD "DAY GIRLS" LEAVING MESSAGES AT HOME AND MYSTERIOUS CALLS FOR APPOINTMENTS FOR SOME UNKNOWN PERSON AT EXACTLY THE SAME TIME AND DAYS THAT I WOULD HAVE A HAIR OR DOCTORS APPOINTMENT OR BUSINESS TRIP OR SOMETHING. I FOUND OUT THAT PERFECT LOVING HUSBAND HAD BEEN WATCHING PORN FOR YEARS CALLING PROSITUTUES..30 SOMETIMES A NIGHT, VISITING PROSITUTES SHE-MALES ,USING PERSONAL ADS..ALL RIGHT BENEATH MY NOSE AND I NEVER SUSPECTED. i GAVE HIM ALL OF MY MONEY AND HE HAD ACCESS TO MY ACCOUNTS. HE DID ALL OF THE BILLS AND THE MEDICAL FILINGS. I LATER FOUND OUT THAT HE STOLE MONEY FROM MY ACCOUNTS FOR THE WHORES, USED MY MEDICAL REIMBURSEMENT CHECKS AND OBVIOUSLY HAD UNPROTECTED SEX WITH THESE PEOPLE...WHILE HIS WIFE WAS 1) ILL ALREADY AND UNDERGOING CHEMO(HE STARTED BEFORE THIS THOUGH!)2) WORKING VERY HARD TO STILL EARN THE LION SHARE OF THE INCOME. <br>WHILE HE NEVER PURSUED ANYTHING WHICH WOULD PUT ANY PRESSURE ON HIM..<p>WHEN I FOUND OUT, I ASKED HIM TO LEAVE AND FROZE THE BANK ACCOUNTS. HE HIRED AN ATTORNEY AND I REFUSED TO FIGHT HIM THAT WAY. <p>NOW WE ARE SEPARATED AND HE WANTS TO MOVE BACK IN? WHAT AM I TO DO? HE IS IN THERAPY TWICE A WEEK BUT I KNOW HE STILL CALLS THE WHORES *(HERE IN NYC THEY ADVERTISE ALL OVER THE PLACE) MY HUSBAND MUST NOT BE ABLE TO RESIST PICKING UP THE VILLAGE VOICE AND EVEN THE NEW YORK MAGAZINE TO FINND THE THINGS HE DESIRES...I ONLY FIND THINGS OUT BY FINDING FACTS(PHONE BILLS CABLE ETC)! HE DOES NOT ADMIT TO ANYTHING...HE SWEARS THAT HE NO LONGER VISITS OR CALLS?...<p>I FOUND THAT HE CAN GO TO DINNER WITH ME AND THEN RETURN TO PORN MOVIES AND GOD KNOWS WHAT ELSE ..JUST A WEEK AGO. HE SAYS HIS THERAPISTS SAYS BIG DEAL? LOTS OF MEN WATCH PORN.......? I KNOW WHAT IT LEADS TO. <p>I AM NOT UNATTRACTIVE, I AM 2 YEARS OLDER THAN MY HUSBAND THOUGH. I AM 5'6'' 112 POUND BLONDE, BLUE EYED AND MEASURE 36,24,33!!!!!! I HAVE A VERY SUCCESSFUL CAREER, WHILE PROVIDING A WARM AND WONDERFUL HOME LIFE FOR MY HUSBAND. WE HAD SEX 3 TO 5 TIMES A WEEK AND I NEVER ONCE IN TWELVE YEARS (SINCE I HAVE KNOWN HIM) HAVE I DENIED HIM!!!!!!<br>WHATS WRONG WITH ME? HE HAS BEEN OBSESSED WITH ORIENTALS BLACKS HISPANICS AND ANYONE UNDER 18!!!!!! HE SAYS HE HAS A COPING PROBLEM, THAT WHEN HE FEELS STRESS OR ANXIETY HE MUST MASTURBATE WHICH LEADS TO THE PORN, THE CALLS AND THE PROSTITUES!! HE CROSSED THE LINE THOUGH IN HAVING BROUGHT BACK TWO VENERAL DISEASES TO ME,,,, ESPECIALLY KNOWING FULL WELL OF MY INCREASED SUSEPTIBILITY TO INFECTION....JERK!<p>WHAT THE HECK IS THIS ? IS HE A MENTAL CASE OR WAS HIS DECEPTION THAT SAVVY? I AM IN A QUANDRY AS TO WHAT TO DO .....PLEASE HELP!!! I STILL LOVE MY HUSBAND THROUGH ALL OF THIS, BUT I DOUBT THE REGARD I WILL HAVE FOR MYSELF IF IT HAPPENS AGAIN. I THINK I MAY KILL MYSELF! I CAME TOTALLY UNGLUES WHEN THIS ALL WAS DISCOVERED, THEN HE ATTACKED ME? IT HAS BEEN ALMOST 6 MONTHS SINCE THE DISCOVERY AND I AM JUST NOW CLAMING DOWN ENOUGH TO PUT IN A DECENT DAY AT WORK. <br>PLEASE CAN ANYONE SHARE THEIR THOUGHTS WITH ME? BE FRANK AND HONEST ABOUT YOUR PERSPECTIVES, MINE ARE UNDOUBTEDLY CLOUDED. IN FACT I STILL HAVE A VERY HARD TIME BELIEVING ANY OF THIS!!!! i CANNOT LET GO OF THIS IMAGE OF WHO I MARRIED ..I NEVER ONCE HEARD HIM TELL A LIE, CHEAT, OR GAWK AT OTHER WOMEN. HE ACTED LIKE SOMEONE WHO WAS TOTALLY DEVOTED AND IN LOVE WITH HIS WIFE..... HE WAS THE BEST PERSON I HAD EVER EVER MET! ALL OF MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY SAY THAT IF THEY LINED UP ALL OF THE MEN THEY KNEW AND COUPLES THEY KNEW, HE AND WE WOULD BE LAST THEY WOULD EVER SUSPECT SOMETHING LIKE THIS HAPPENEING TO!! HELP!!!! PLEASE!!

Laura,<p>Try not to type in 'all caps'. It's very hard to read.<p>Your husband seems to be suffering from a sexual addiction problem. I'm not a qualified therapist, but I have heard that this problem is tough to deal with.<p>I'm all for saving marriages, but especially in this case you need to get an extremely well-qualified professional who can deal with both marriage counseling AND sexual addiction. <p>My guess is that a qualified professional would tell you not to let him back home until he has adequately proven himself 'cured' of his sex addiction.

Oh Dear Sister Laura, I was so moved with your post. First, I want to honor you for having such a lovely figure...Secondly, to honor and remind you that you are a beautiful woman, sensual, and sexual. Thirdly, this is your HUSBAND'S problem, this has absolutely nothing to do with you, your body, your sexuality or person, this really really really is HIS problem. There was NOTHING you did or didn't do to create this problem, it is NOT about you.<br>I also want to honor your anger, you have every right to be angry that your husband has not only had sex and other perversions, for lack of a better word, betrayed your monogomous vows and led a different life then you "imagined" and brought home life threatening sexual diseases. Especially since your immune system is down due to chemo. You are a brave and tough lady, I want to honor you for your courage as well. I had 2 friends in the past who were married to sexual addicts, not just sexual/multiple partners, but perverse things even with therapy they continued their behavior...they would stop for awhile and then restart. Both marriages were destroyed of course, and both women were humiliated. This is not just smoking or drinking problem here, there is a real high risk here of further infliction of disease...and YOUR LIFE is at stake here, much, much, much more important than your marriage. Even your priest would probably tell you this is not a godly way, you don't owe your husband anything, not even a chance. Love doesn't hurt, 1Cornthians 13, even with therapy these type things can take a lifetime to manage possibly without cure. Ever hear of a rehabilitated child molester? Rapist? They return. It is a sickness. With as beautiful as you are and what you have to offer in a relationship, why bother with a man who has sex with anything? He has given you deseases, taken your money, hasn't been therre for you thru your chemotherapy, he is on the road to destruction, you don't have to lose your life and everything else because of his dis-ease. I am truly, truly sorry that this has happened to you,and you know deep in your heart that this will happen again...ask God for clairty and peace.Since you are catholic, you know a great way to center is with the rosary. Anyone reading your post sees that you ARE clear about this, it is just when our emotions are so overwhelming we get "confused", because we want to do right and honor God and our marriage that we thought was sacred. Ques: Do you think God wants you to be in a loving fulfilling honorable marriage, or one that is filled with deciet, depravity, dishonor and disrespect? Do you think God would want you to be with a man who does honor you in sacred marriage, or treat you like dog poo poo? Your husband is a very very sick man, period, this is beyond anything you can do, I will pray for you to have clarity and healing beautiful lady.God bless you, KISS JADE

Umm...... I am not really sure how to help you here, I do not think that anyone in this forum is completely educated enough to answer your dilema, maybe not even Dr Harley himself!<br>What I can do is do what you asked, give you MY frank and honest perspective.<p> First, I am sorry but I couldnt help but think of a priest and his choir boy while I was reading your post <p>Many people cope with stresses differently, I myself find that under stress I tend to eat a lot and withdraw into my computer world. (and occasionally engage in sex for one ) A lot of the time when I do those things, I find I am happier with myself and life in general because my stress has been relieved (unless I look in the mirror and see the fat pig staring back at me ). I feel it is all about what you do for yourself to relieve that stress. In his case, it seems to be sex. Unfortunatley, many stress relievers can be addicting, the person engaging in whatever it is can find themselves depending on the activity, sometimes just to even feel normal (a good case in point would be drug addiction)<br>Sex is also extremely addicting (for most men and I am sure some women too) and combining the 2 can only have negative effects.<p>Going back to the drug addiction analogy, you start off on weed but eventually that doesn't help you any more so you try something harder, then more and more until you are a crack addict shooting up 4 times a day!<br>Sex can start off with him wanting more from you, not only quantity but a variety of different acts, locations, positions, and venturing into the taboo. After you no longer ease his stress, he will go start looking for the harder drug; porn sites, magazines, hookers, maybe even delving into animals and children. This may sound extreme but if you stop to compare drugs and sex then it becomes logical. (at least for me, not exploring the sick and unusual but the phylosophy of it, )<p>The key there is to identify what caused the stress and find a way around it. Unfortulatley, this seems to have been going on for way too long to be able to trace it back to the scource and by now may seem to insignificant compared to other stresses that could be blamed. <p>How long can you trace this behavior back to? I have a feeling that it may go back to his childhood. To give you an example, A member of my family was sexually abused as a child. Now 17 years later, he is married with 4 children. He loves his family dearly but finds himself engaging with sex outside his marriage. His behavior has been ongoing WAY before he got married but his wife diddn't know about it. It reached the point for him that he went to jail for rape but that hasn't curbed his activity. He no longer feels the need to forcibly have sex with anyone but he still has at least 2 girlfreinds on the side in additon to going out to nightclubs and trying to pick up women. <br>From an outside perspective, I have seen all his activity and can trace it to his childhood so I know that is where it started for him (I look at it as he constantly needs to reaffirm his male sexuality because of what had happened to him as a child)<br>I see many similarities from what you have described about your husband and this member of my family, so maybe if you can find out about his childhood or even something that may have happened while you were married then you could see a bigger picture.<p>I don't see the behavior ending. Like i said, sex is very addictive and the only way to stop the behavior is to totally abstain from sexual contact. It's like smoking, you quit smoking but one day you light up and BOOM! you are addicted again.<br>This can't do much for your marriage because it could happen to you that one day, you two are going to have sex and BOOM! he is addicted again.<br>The only solution to this in my mind is to use supressent drugs. There are many prescritpion drugs on the market that can supress sex drives that he should look into. I do not usually condone the use of medications (I keep hearing in my mind a Southpark character named Mr Garrison who once said "Drugs are bad mmkay". For Southpark fans out there you should get a laugh out of that). There are some cases however, where I feel drugs are necessary. <br>I am also not a religious person so I cannot give you the advice of turning heavily towards god for help. In my mind, although I do think there is A god, I feel that the whole idea of praying for guidence is somewhat fantasy. I find that when I do try to seek help from an outside scource (including chaplains), I tend to sit down and analyze the situation and eventually come up with the guidence myself (some of you will contend that it is god that is giving me the guidence but I dont think so, I am agnostic, I will find out the truth when/if I get there. Enough about me, I am posting this to give you my opinions on your situation).<p>You are in very bad health right now, I can relate to a family member being in bad health because I have a daughter that is not doing so well (I had some posts in the pornography section that you read, you can find out more there) Now is not the time for him to be so callous and insensitive about your health, do doing so I get the feeling that he really doesn't care for you or your health so will just do what pleases him. He has the incentive to stop but chooses not to, instead make matters worse by stealing from you and bringing home diseases. <br>This may sound VERY bad, it is not intended as such but has he given you any indication that he is waiting for you to die? and has there recently been a large insurance policy taken out on you? I think you get where I am going there.<p>Moving on, You say you still love him through all of this. Do you really love him or are you just used to him being around or maybe even dependent on him?<br>While it may be true that you do love him, love alone is not good enough. While it does help to create a strong link between 2 people, it would be a very short chain with only one link!<br>The chain is made up of a whole range of emotions and includes: trust, honor, companionship, freindship, devotion..... I could go on and on but my post is getting too long as it is, you get the picture. Love alone cannot hold your marriage together. I personally feel that Interdependancy is the padlock that connects the 2 ends of the chain together. In your case I think that you are dependent on him to be by you and support you. He may feel dependent on you to keep him anchored, which is why he wants to come back (I don't know if that is true for him, I am only specuatling).<br>It is important to keep this padlock closed and well oiled for smooth operation (meaning maintaining a healthy interdependance and not one spouse having full control over the other), but what use is a lock with no chain?! Or a lock that only attaches to 1 link, It isn't going to secure anything big.<br> <br>Your post said a lot about his problems and how you feel toward him:<br>"Jerk"<br>"is he a mental case"<br>"He attacked me!"<p>Then I read alot of how you view yourself: <br>"I am not unattractive" <br>"I am 5'6" 112lbs, blonde, blue eyed and measure 36.24.33!!!!!!"<br>"I have a very sucessful career" <br>"provide a warm and wonderful home life for my husband"<p>It seems to me that you have painted a very similar picture to other posts I have read here along with exapmles I have been given from counsellors, "I am perfect, you are not".<p>I want you to do something, sit down and think to yourself: <p>1) Is there anything I do that may drive him nuts?<p>2) Am I really who I SAY I am, or who just THINK I am who I say I am?<p>You would be vey surprised to finf out that you may not be the person you think you are.<br>I am not saying this is all your fault, but I am making the suggestion of do you share any of the blame?<p>DON'T jump up and scream to yourself "Yes I am that person who the hell are you to tell me otherwise #%#%#^!!!!!!" (that's you cussing at me )<br>Stop, think rationally, beleive it or not it is hard for a woman to think rationally when they are upset. Instead of thinking BEFORE you talk, women have the tendency to think WHILE they are talking and sometimes can convince themselves of what they are saying without giving it the proper thought. They usually end up conveying the wrong message (believe me, I am regulary seeing 4 different counsellors (3 are chaplains who are also qualified marriage counsellors each specializing in a different field) in addition to online counselling (this and other sites), books, and videos).<br>I am in now way qualified to help anyone but I am picking up a WHOLE lot of information about both sexes and our habits.<br>SO, Sit down with a pen and paper, wait for a while before you start writing, then write down everything you REALLY do for him, (Not what you WANT to do for him), What you really need out of this marriage, What he is giving you, and I think most importantly, What kind of person you really are. Take frequent breaks so you can keep a clear head.<br>Let me remind you again that I am not saying that it is your fault. It was HIS desicion to hurt you and do the things he is doing. If he had such a bad problem then he should have come to you with them so you can both work them out. (unless he felt he can't come to you for whatever reason but this is what you need to find out).<br>Do all this before you make ANY desicions. Find out if there is a way to save your marriage, not only by you making changes but directly asking him to (be tactful though). Outline to him what you NEED from him and see if he is willing to make the necessary changes to stay in your marriage.<br>Also, ask him to do the same.<p>After you have talked with him (better to make it in a neutral place, certain rooms or even items around your home can spark negative reactions and lead away from the point) Make a deal, write up a contract stating that you will do certain things for him and he will do certain things for you. If the contract is broken then re-negotiations are necessary or maybe more drastic actions.<br>In your deal with him, I would recommend adding that you will only have protected sex with him and insist on regular blood tests. Yes he may be resentful for you not trusting him but his behavior isn't making you any healthier is it?<p>In this time of need, I think you need to rely more on freinds and family. Is there anyone you can turn to for support? if nothing else then to help you to not be so dependent on your husband. Not just any friend will do. A friend, sister, brother or other family member that you share a special bond with and one that is available 24/7.<p>I would like you to find a MAN for support. The reason for this is it may be that your husband is the only Masculine figure in your life and being the humans we are, we need to be able to communicate with the opposite sex. I feel that you need to break your dependancy with your husband, you are getting so torn apart by his actions and can see no other way out than to consider suicide and this is wrong. (Think about it this way, if you do then he will truly win, you don't want that do you?) Communicating with another Man (and I don't mean having an affair of your own) can open your eyes to a much happier you (one that you had when you first got married maybe) Even just by knowing that you can freely talk with and be comfortable with someone from the opposite sex with no pressures, no conditions, and no fear, can have profound differences on someones life.<br>A woman may not be the best answer because women share WOMEN'S feelings, you wont get the whole range of help and support you need. <br>There is a catch though, you may find that this new man is meeting many emotional needs your husband was not and you could find yourself falling for him so make sure it is a good friend, prefereably married to another good friend of yours to give you incentive not to sleep with him, Maybe your chaplain? (if he is male).<p>I want to touch on divorce. You said that he got an attorney and you were afraid to fight him? I am not sure why you would be so afraid unless he has something against you. But on your side, You have evidence of his adultery and practices. With a good lawyer yourself, you may even be able to get him for attemped murder since he has brought diseases home to a sick wife. <p>This is a lot for you to think about, I agree with JADE in that your life is much more important than your marriage. I do not belive that ALL marriages are meant to last as some religions would lead you to beleive. If you are so distrought by the pain this man has bought you then you should leave (if you cannot come to any other aggreement). Don't feel bad about divorce, if you are commited to a church that believes somehow divorce is some kind of sin then wouldn't you also believe that god is all forgiving? that he would see the pain you are going though and not want you to suffer unduly? You could also say that he bought me here to give you this message. (That's right, I am the messanger, all bow to me!!! Just kidding)<p>I do believe that marriages are a challenge that should be met. Both parties must fight as hard as they can to keep a marriage together It is never easy especially when one spouse does not want to fight. I also believe that there is a time to say "I am out of ammo" Have you ever heard of the saying "run away and live to fight another day"? Being in the military I do not apply this theory to my work but I do appreciate instances where running can save your life.<br>It is with this thought that I would say for you to run away. It may be time to leave and appreciate what you have left. Start over, you are never too old to find love again. <br>I was scepticle about writing that because I am not saying that right now you should pack and leave. Try everything you can to keep your marriage going, it doesnt matter if you get to the point where you think you have tried everything, there is always something else you may not have considered or know about. If it interferes with your health (which it is already) then you need to take steps to protect yourself!<p>One last suggestion I would make is for you to sit and watch the porn movies with him, get yourself a little involved in what excites him (but don't go overboard, orgies, BDSM, etc.... unless you want to, and by that I mean that YOU want to, not that you think you should just to please him or make him stay)<br>A good trick my wife does with me is to make a suggestion that we do a certain position or act that we have just seen in a movie that she has seen bought me pleasure to watch (that is on the rare occasions we have sex but that is a whole new can of worms). By doing that, she keeps a little spice in the bedroom and keeps me interested. She does deny me a lot of times but that makes the whole experience better when we DO do whatever it is that I like to do (she knows that and plays on it too much which does tend to upset me but...... HEY! this post is about you isn't it)<p>Well as usual, I wrote a whole book in my post so if you have gotten this far then you probably missed most of your soap operas <p>I do hope I have helped at least somewhat, if nothing else then to give you a nice sedative so you can get some asleep right......HEY, WAKE UP!!!! Thats better.<p>I'm Routing for you,<br>Mark<p>P.S, I just got throught talking to my wife, We have Many problems to work out on our relationship so we talk often over the net (I am overseas for 8 1/2 more months.... 123 days down, 242 days to go WOOHOOO!!!!!) Anyway, we just made a cool deal that I think I need to share with you and everyone else out there.<br>Here is what we did:<br>She is making a list of EVERYTHING I do that bothers her which is to be posted on my wall<br>She also made a list of everything I need to do to meet ALL of her emotional needs, This also gets posted on the wall.<br>I have done the same (well, she already has mine, it is taking her 4 days now to write hers and I am still waiting, mine only took 30 minutes, gee I wonder how long this list is going to be )<br>Both of our lists are to be posted somwehere where we can see them regulary. For us it will be located on the wall next to our computers so we can read them when we talk.<br>The idea of this is so we can both know what we need to do to make the other one happy. <br>By following this list, there is no way we can go wrong. Remember, we listed EVERYTHING, we left nothing out.<br>I am pretty sure will work for us. It might work for other people too. Any thoughts on this idea out there?<p>Maybe I should have started this post with "Once upon a time"? . Oh well.<p>And they might live happily ever after......<br>The end<p>[This message has been edited by Mark (edited 11-21-98).]

To be blunt and brutal -- send him packing.<p>While others of a religious bent may talk of his sexuality as a perversion I won't. What I will suggest is that your sexuality and his are completely at odds with each other. Unfortunately, his orientation physically threatens you. <p>Ultimately you need to protect yourself and don't let the concept of "'til death do us part" get in the way of your decision. Other respondents have suggested that you may be contributing to the problem. Get real. Maybe you are like everyone else and have you share of problems and faults. However, unless you wish to join your husband in his lifestyle get out now.<br>

laura,<p>i agree with Adrift; send the loser packing !! <p>Just the lying alone is enought to break any/ all trust & bond you may have had. There is no reason to subject yourself to this torture. This guy has obviously developed some habits that are aren't healthy to YOU & he's not about to change; something is wrong with him.<br> &, while Mark may have some valid pints to "... is there anything you are doing..." there is NO acceptable reason for him to subject you to the health risks associated with his poor behavior.<p>Good luck !<br>nick