A little over a month ago my husband advised me that he no longer felt there was a spark in our marriage. He went on to say that he fell in love with a woman in his night class. I immediately asked him to break all contact with her and to switch classes at the university. He refused. After our discussion he took her out to lunch and let her know that he loved her and, of course, she reciprocated. He stayed with me for a couple of weeks after that but decided he loved her more and left to go live with her (10-25). He was back the next day saying he didn't feel right about living with her and asked if he could come back in the house. My lawyer advised me that I could not stop him so I said yes on one condition, that he tell me the whole story. He did. He admitted committing adultery, that he had been in love with her for awhile and that he had also had an affair 13 years ago (1 year after we married) with someone else but was too afraid to tell me. I was in shock. I couldn't believe everything I was hearing. He told me intimate details of both affairs. From the time he first told me of his love for the current woman and the time he left he emotionally abused me with information about his thoughts and love for this woman. I said I wanted to work on our marriage. He agreed. During the two weeks that followed I tried to find out his emotional needs so that I could meet them. When I told him of my needs so that we could reconcile he refused to adhere to any of them (all based on the book "Surviving an Affair"). After two weeks he said he wanted to commit to me and because I was so happy we made love. Right after he apologized for ruining my adultery case against him. I couldn't believe my ears! The next day I found correspondence from his paramour and other evidence I would prefer not to mention and confronted him with it. He admitted to everything. He left again. It's been two weeks since he has left. He has found an apartment and will be picking up some furniture to move in tomorrow. I have asked my lawyer to slow down in the divorce process because I am an emotional basket case and feel I am going too fast because of it. I am scheduled to see a therapist soon to help me deal with these emotions. I am still in love with this man. I don't know why, after all the pain he has caused me. I would love to win him back but he is so wrapped up in this woman that I feel I have no chance. I told him that I would always love him but it goes in one ear and out the other. He only cares about this woman and her feelings and not about what he is doing to me or our children. I do not want to give up easily because this wouldn't teach my children a very good lesson. On the other hand,I do not want my children thinking that this kind of behaviour is acceptable either. Please, give me some advise. Should I just give up and try to rebuild my life without him or should I hold off and wait for him to come back? I cannot make him love me if he doesn't want to. It is becoming harder and harder for me to be civil to this man because he is in the red when it comes to love units. Please help!

Candace,<p>After reading your letter, I could sure feel your pain. From a womans point of view I would say that when you love a man its really hard to let go. I'm not one to give up on a marriage to quickly. I would give it some time. When your not sure, its best to wait...if your husband has'nt filed for a divorce himself then I would go with a separation at this point. Try to remain calm and take one day at a time. Its important that you stay focused in life and not let your emotions get to you. I dont know if you are a christian or not? but if you are then reading the bible is a great source of strength, and a great source when needing direction. Life can be very hard at times. And things can go beyond our control. The bottom line for advice that I would give would be to wait.....give it to the Lord and seek your Heavenly Father. He will take Great care of You and give your life strength. Your husband hopefully will come back to you....and if he does then get couseling from a Christian Counselor.....there is Hope...hang in there and remember... Yesterday is forever gone.........<br> only today we need to live......<p><br>........freesun.........<p>[This message has been edited by freesun (edited 11-21-98).]

I'll try to answer, but it's only my opinion. First off no one can change someone eleses mind but they can change thier own. One by seeing something attractive in you, like inner strength. I would suggest to do both of the choices you mentoned. Start over for your own good and dont chase him, dont even mention whats going on, make him belive that your not bothered by him leaving, maybe even mention that maybe he's right and this is a good thing. Let go and let God. Do whats good for you and hope for the best. Dont do anything as far as a divorce is concerned. It may take a year or so for him to change HIS mind and he's the only one that can do it. I would also tell you to read some of the Dr's replies to questions ( can one person save a marrige) I'v been seperated for 14 months and every time things would look good I would push a little for reconciliation and zoom off she went. I'm finally letting go and moving on and things seem to be getting better again but this time I'm not saying a thing, no matter how good it gets. When she's ready thats when it will be. It may be never and if thats the way its going to be then thats the way it should be. I now date and have a few female friends, I dont hide it and they know the situation. If one happens to turn to a full blown relationship then thats ok, I'll allways love my wife but I have to remember me and take care of me. Take it from someone thats been in it for a while: the only action you can take to get him back is no action. All others will push him away, I'v tryed them all. Take care of your business and let God take care of the rest. Just be nice and let him be, show him your better. That relationship with the O/W will not last. Take care and be good to your self.<br>Ken

Candace, if you've read "Surviving an Affair" then you have read about Plan B. If you are finding it difficult to remain loving and civil to him, plus he has moved out and refuses to break contact with the OW, it might be time to work on Plan B ... no contact. Read that section of the book over again ... it really sounds as if it is time for you to use Plan B.<p>terri