JL and Myna:<P>First, Myna, you never fail to make me smile. Keep it up, girl, I need all I can get.<P>His cell phone bill doesn't come here to the house. He uses a company phone and it's billed to and paid by his company. He does get a credit card statement here and this last one had the hotel room for the night he spent with the OW . Didn't see anything else particularly suspicious. He hasn't picked up that statement yet. What do I say to him if he asks why it's opened? It's his card in his name. <P>My thought was that he wants to hurry because he's holding off having a full-blown relationship until D is final so he doesn't have to pile anymore guilt on himself. I could go crazy thinking about stuff like that. <P>Thanks, JL, for your advice. I really loved the part about being a woman of grace. That says it all -- I will do my utmost.<P>So, when he shows up on Sunday aft., we will sit down at the table and I will have ready for him a pile of the bills that are coming up (I have them all paid through the end of the month). I will also have a list of those that are automatically withdrawn from our joint account and the dates they come out -- he will either have to make sure there is sufficient money in the acct to cover them or get them switched over to draw from his personal acct. I will keep those that are my personal bills and let him know I can probably manage groceries, gas, lunch money, etc. Thereafter, I will put the bills in his pile of mail to pick up. That way, he can handle the whole she-bang. And he shouldn't have to give me any money. <P>Then when he brings out the divorce papers to complete, I will say to him, "I know I told you that I would help with this, but I have searched my heart and found that I just can't, because I love you and I know in my heart that I can be a better wife than I've been and we can have a happy marriage."<P>He will probably get mad. I will stay calm -- and *gracious*. He will probably stomp out. I will get on MB! <P>Is it dumb to have it so rehearsed?? Or does that help?<P>Thanks for ongoing help, love, support, prayers, smiles, etc.<P>In the Lord's love,<BR>KristyAnn<P>P.S. Myna, thanks for the emails. luv em<P>

Of course it's not dumb!!! Lol! You should have seen all the times I LBed. if I had come to this site, then... I think I would have done much better on my marriage...maybe not perfect but much better.<P> You are doing fine KA. Just don't rush. Don't LB (at least try not to). Don't push him. Personally, I wish that all WS's had to get a wack with a cast-iron skillet...but, that's me <P> I'm glad that you still can laugh! You are dealing with one of the nastiest rides in life... but you have the ability to handle it with *grace*. <P> Now, tell me... what have you done for yourself, lately? If you haven't done something nice for yourself... then I'm going to start emailing a card a day... all pics of monkeys. Lol! <P> Go to a Clinique counter and get a free makeover (just don't go to one of the women with tons of makeup on, lol). Get a parafoil kite, and start floating on the breeze. Get a parakeet and try to teach it to *not* squawk, lol. Go to a massuese training school, and get a free massage! Paint your toenails some outlandish color( think electric blue!). And once a week, have ice cream for dinner with the boys...with allllllllll the topping!<P>You are in my thoughts and prayers.<BR>~~Mynabird

Almost forgot!!! Smear some Elmer's Glue with your finger tip on the flap of the envelope to reseal it. Just use a dab. No need to give him a reason to get angry. I thought that you two would have a joint credit card, so it wouldn't be unusual for you to open it...oopsie! <P> ~~Mynabird

Another thought! I'm full of 'em, huh?<P> Get a photocopy of that credit card bill... if he should ever get really nasty, you have evidence. Don't know if it would really help anything, but doesn't hurt. Do *not* hang it over him! Big time lovebust! Just keep it to yourself, until there ever comes the day that you need it in court.<P>~M~

Hi Myna and JL,<P>About the open envelope -- I opened it too sloppily to be glued. I thought I would just tell him I thought it was one of our joint bills and I opened it by mistake -- sorry... and leave it at that. I did think about making a copy, so at your suggestion, I think I will.<P>This morning, I plugged in one of my aerobics tapes and worked out for the first time in ????? I have lost nearly 20 pounds over the last three months . My counselor said that a sudden weight loss during this type of crisis is typical and it will soon plateau. I would like to continue to take the weight off (more gradually, however) and the exercise felt great. I think I will alter walking and aerobics and throw in a bit of weight lifting. I have a fairly athletic build when I'm not packing the extra weight, so my muscle mass, when properly worked, should respond well. I would like to get back into the old sports I used to love to do and have been away from -- skiing, softball, bike riding, swimming. That will make me feel good -- to get active and fit. I've already tried on some of my clothes I haven't been able to get into for a while. THAT'S a great feeling too! <P>I have been going over in mind how I want to tell my H I'm not taking a part in ending our marriage. I can't stop him from doing what he thinks he needs to, but I can't help, either. At this point, I don't care if he takes the house and everything in it, because it won't be home without him.<P>I'm trying to stay busy and I'm down to thinking about him only 23 hours, 55 minutes and 27 seconds a day. My business looks like its gonna take off any day -- got some great deals in the works. Haven't been sleeping well -- wake up 4 or 5 times a night. Thought I might ask my doc for sleeping med -- what do you think? Good or bad idea? Something mild, just to get me through the worst.<P>Myna and JL, you have been life savers for me. <P>JL, whenifindthetime, was absolutely right -- your posts are thoughtful and sincere. You say the things I need to hear -- sometimes hard to swallow, but I know they are meant only with the kindest spirit. Your wisdom is always welcome.<P>And, Myna, your good cheer lifts my spirits like you wouldn't believe. You answer my concerns with a positive sincerity that just makes my day. I love jumping on MB and find your posts. I feel like you've been a friend for years.<P>Thank you, both, for being so supportive and caring. I couldn't do it without you.<P>In God's Love,<BR>KristyAnn<P>

Yes, the meds are good, as you can sleep and keep the mind rested to be able to deal with difficult situations.<P>also, great decision for trying to get exercise, that will help quite abit. get out and return to you old self, which is partly who your H fell in love with anyway.<P>if you need support or a kick in the butt, come on back, JL is unbelievably well written and thoughtful about these issues.<P>thl<BR>

Hi KA!! <P> Sleeping med...zzzzzzzzssssssnnnnnnorr*X*<P> <P> Oh, *yawn* are a very good idea. You need to be able to get at least 6 hours of *straight* sleep. Just use them for a few weeks to a month. Try to set a regular bedtime for yourself and take the sleeping med at the same time each night. Pretty soon, you will have become accustomed to the reg bedtime, and shouldn't require the med, anymore.<P> I really glad that you are enjoying the exercise! It really does give you a boost...makes you feel healthy! I loved the weight-loss I experienced, I could afford to lose it! You ought to check out Ty-boe (I am pretty sure I spelled that wrong, lol). Anywho, it is a blast! I know that some YMCAs offer it. <P> I think your explanation about the bill is fine. Glad you are making a copy... doesn't hurt to watch out for yourself. <P> Later, Gator! <BR> God bless you!<P>~~Mynabird

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by KristyAnn:<BR><B>What my eyes first jumped to was Hebrews 10:19 under a sub-heading "A Call to Persevere." Chapter 11 was sub-titled "On Faith". </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hey KristyAnn,<P>I wanted to respond to this post also. You responded to my post in Prayer Requests yesterday and I appreciated it. I am doing much better.<P>I was highly encouraged as I read this post...until I kept reading. <P>I was encouraged because what you wrote is EXACTLY what my new counselor said to me yesterday....she said "you have plenty of reason to keep hoping." (People were telling me to let go and move on, but I couldn't and I didn't want to; I felt stupid for holding on in the face of his not wanting the marriage.) I've been doing this for 9 months now and yes, my H too said there is NO WAY he's coming back. But she (the counselor) said in these types of cases (mid-life crises for my H) ANYTHING can happen. She told me to TRUST GOD and trust my feelings and instincts about how to proceed. <P>I don't want this separation/divorce and WILL NOT participate in making it happen. However, I will not stand in his way if he makes it happen. I don't have kids and I don't have financial problems with him, so my situation isn't exactly like yours.<P>However, KristyAnn, 2-3 weeks of this roller-coaster ride IS NOT a very long time. Preserverance means the LONG HAUL and even then, it's gonna be a wild ride. You'll have your ups and downs, and downs, and downs. I still have them, as you can tell from my last post....you'll reach rock bottom time and time again, like I was this week. <P>So the question is....do you love him enough to hold on....for a loooooong time? If so, then HOLD ON. Some days that's ALL you're gonna be able to do.<P>Read Chapter 11 of Hebrews again and look at all those people who waited FOR YEARS for what God told/promised them.<P>Now, this post is to me as much as to you...because I am in a very down phase right now. But I prayed before I went to the counselor and asked God to speak thru her. I think He did. I also desparately search my Bible each night for a word to keep me going. The night before I went to the counselor, I was reading my Bible and a little paper fell out from the back. It was a poem called Broken Dreams than I had stuck there eons ago. Here is the poem:<P><B>As children bring their broken toys<BR>With tears for us to mend, <P>I brought my broken dreams to God<BR>Because He was my friend.<P>But then instead of leaving Him<BR>In peace to work alone,<P>I hung around and tried to help,<BR>With ways that were my own.<P>At last, I snatched them back<BR>And cried, "How can you be so slow?"<P>"My child," He said, "what could I do?<BR>You never did let go."<P></B><P>I read that and realized that no, I don't want to let go of my H. I don't want to let go of my marriage. But I do need to let go of my worry, my meddling, my anxiety, my fears...all that and HOPE in God to fix things. I cannot do it and when I try, things seem worse. <P>So hang in there, girl. I've gotten so much encouragement from this board and you will too. Try not to focus on how long it might take and focus on God. I've written this before and I have to come back to it time and time again: Seek God not his hand. Not how is he gonna do it...when is it gonna happen... SEEK GOD.<P>You are in my prayers,<BR>Mrs.O<P><p>[This message has been edited by Mrs.O (edited August 24, 2000).]

PLEASE not electric blue toenail polish---it's the color my H's OW had on in the only picture I've ever seen of her!! GAG!!

Mrs. O, I just had to respond to your post... you said so much more than I could hope to put into words. What a beautiful post! Keep it up! You're great! <P> Hurtinginil,<BR> I'm so sorry that I hit on a trigger! <P> How about olive green? To match the puking sounds...lol! ((((((H)))))) Am I forgiven? <P> To all of you: please check out my post in prayer requests. I'm going to be on the road this weekend. It'll be a little scary. <P>~~Mynabird

Your story sounds a lot like mine.My husband and I have been married for 14 yrs(in Oct), and in Jan., he told me he wants a divorce. He said a big load was lifted off his chest. He has been unhappy for several years, but I didn't realize how unhappy. It explains a lot though. There were certain things I was unhappy with, i.e. his lack of involvement with me and our 3 kids, etc. He says he isn't in love with me but still loves me because I am the mother of his 3 kids! I wish I knew then what I know now because I would of wanted to work on our relationship sooner. He says its too late, but I still want to stick it out! There are no other woman yet his attraction towards other woman sexually, has increased, making it hard for him.(1 reason he wants out) Gotta go for now. I hope it works out for you. More as it happens!

I should of responded with a comment instead of my life story!<BR> I understand, KA the emotional rollercoaster you are going through. My husband and I don't talk about the D very often, He doesn't like the confrontations we have-he hates to agrue and to see me cry. Our lack of communication is one of the main reason our relationship has lead to the decision of divorce. I also felt it was till death to you part. I never dreamed our 14 yr marrige would lead to this. I have made a decision though- I have started taking college courses at night and plan to get my certificate/degree in the EMS field within the next 2 years, whether the divorce happens or not! I can't wait on him to decide. We can't afford to divorce right now, so I hope things will change between us until then.<BR> Thanks for listening..

Dear Mom:<P>Thanks so much for your replies. I hadn't been back to this thread for a few days cause I thought it was a dead soldier. <P>I'm with you, girlfriend. I'm hanging on for dear life. It's not easy and I have to do it without being "needy", but I think your idea about getting something positive going in your life is *key*. I'm working on doing the same kind of things.<P>It's been a week since I told him I couldn't help him with the divorce papers and, guess what? I have not been served yet. I'm still waiting. I'm thinking it could take him a while to get the ball rolling since he's trying to do it on his own. In the meantime, that buys me more time to Plan A!<P>I have been reading through a lot of posts here and I know that it *is* possible to restore love to a marriage, but it ain't easy! I have been trying to put this completely in the Lords' hands -- He's the one in control and there is nothing I can accomplish without Him. It's hard to do, but it gives me the only hope that I can lean on right now.<P>Hang in there. I'll watch for more postings from you since we can relate to each other's situation.<P>Love and prayers,<BR>KristyAnn

I have heard a lot about this Plan A. What exactly is 'Plan A'?

Momof123,<P>Sorry, that I'm not able to figure out how to give you some direct links. But go under General Questions II and look up the topic "My Prayers Have Been Answered" (I pulled it to the top for you). NSR has some links posted there one going to a Q&A about "What is Plan A and Plan B."<P>Start there, but then go to Basic Concepts and read everything you can. Knowledge is power! After you're done come back and post and tell me what you think.<P>Good Luck,<BR>KristyAnn

Thanks for the advice, KA. I learned a lot. My husband fits the description of being 'emotional divorced'! Plan A doesn't apply to me but then again it does. My H, whom I still live with, over the last year or so,( has met once) has had conversations with, a woman over the phone. He used to work with her brother in law, but to cut to the chase, *she* now is going through a D and calls him every night, emotional, and she has come really dependent on him. My husband is basically is a nice guy and he doesn't mind helping her out-he hates to see women cry- he is gotten in over his head, though. [Heck, she might be reading at this forum now and I wouldn't know it!] There is no physical attraction between them(not for him anyway), but for us to get thru the Withdrawal stage, which is where *he* is at, to the Conflict stage, he needs to cut of ties to this other woman. I talked to him today and he is willing to find out how important each others emotional needs are and to what scale. This is a big step! <BR>Gotta go check out a few other boards, Thanks for listening. Hope you are doing better , 'MOM'<P>