My wife who sent in divorce papers last Thurday told me today in a conversation that she did not want me to badger her. <P>Is she trying to tell me to leave her alone period?<P>I am still trying to save this marriage, however, I think that it is over.<BR>Please help me understand.<BR>Ted

She wants space! Back off! I don't know the entire story but taking care of yourself is a good place to start!<P>I will pray for you!

I'm no expert or anything, but my wife is in much the same state of mind. Not so to the point of issuing divorce papers, but that may only be a matter of time.<P>I think my wife is very open and honest and when we do talk lately, it is primarily about how she is feeling. She has mentioned several times that she needs time to sort out her feelings, right now she doesn't think that she can ever love me to the point of intimacy again. She wants a soul mate and she doesn't want to try to make this work if she doesn't believe there is any possibility of that happening. She says that instead of getting a divorce now, trying to reconcile right now may simply only delay the inevitable if she can't or doesn't want to get back the emotional bond with me. Your wife may be feeling the same way, in that she needs time apart to distinguish between why she has bad feelings or no feelings when you are together. <P>My wife wants to miss me when we're apart, she wants to have the feelings that people in love have when they see each other after a hard days work. She is not having those feeling due to the years that I have put her through by neglecting her feeling and basically taking her for granted.<P>It may take months or years for her to separate her feelings and find the ones that I made her bury with my disrespectful actions before we will be ever able to work on our marriage again.<P>This is just some insight from what I have heard from my wife's perspective, I don't know if it will be of any help. I just know that even when I do the right thing for the right reasons, I feel as though she resents it in some way. After years of not considering her needs, she probably doesn't you to begin trying to do so now and she just simply doesn't want it.

Um, 'Doc?<BR>You just described my wife. What she's said, and how she feels. We have been separated for 2 months and I haven't given her space.<P>My therapist keeps telling me that it takes between 3 and 6 months of separation, and that is TOTAL separation, not dating.<P>I don't honestly think that I can do it, but everyone says that this may be the hardest thing that we may ever have to endure in our lives.<P>She has told me since day 1 that she is empty, has no feelings, and doesn't think about us or what I'm doing. She says that she's happy to come home alone at night, at least then she doesn't have to think about our relationship.<P>I would not wish this on my worst enemy. Period.

It means don't badger me about the relationship right now!<P>in the mean time do things that make you happy. Try going out w/ some guy friends, or if you have kids work on your relationship w/ them..and don't focus all your attention on<BR>her..but look within yourself and see what<BR>it was that you have done to push her away.<BR>Have you put work before her? Have you put<BR>drinking before her? Take this time to look<BR>at you and how you may be able to change even <BR>in little ways, and look at your own needs.<BR> When you talk to her have you made her feel as if she is a nobody? like her opinion doesn't matter? Like all she is, is 'just' a wife and mother, and quit looking at her as a person and individual as well as part of a couple? Have you included her in major decisions that have effected you as a couple?<BR>or have you just made the decisions w/ out even discussing them w/ her?<P>These are things you can be looking within yourself at, your actions, your words..not just recently..but through out the entire relationship..take the time to really look at yourself, and see what you come up with..<BR>I know for me..as I have done this it isn't <BR>always a pretty picture..I have had to look at many years at all my relationships not just this one..and it's not a pretty picture..but it does make me see how horrible<BR>things really have been..and how only God can meet certain needs..so as You begin looking <BR>at yourself..spend LOTS of time in prayer..because it can hurt..<BR>