My wife has filed for divorce and believes the only way I will change my ways is to separate. After I read how separation usually damages a marriage even more I am really concerned that no matter how hard I try, she may be happy with being out of the house. I love my wife and our 2 beautiful children and cannot stand to be apart from them.<BR> We married when she was still pretty young and I have come to the realization that I have been very controlling over her and our marriage. I thought I was being helpful and a guiding hand, when in reality I was damaging our marriage the whole time.<BR> A year and a half ago she started to have an affair, but I found out before the affair became to heated, however it still was enough to cause me not to trust her. I have tried little by little to give more of my trust, but I still catch myself accusing her when she stays late at work ( that is where she knows the om from). We have gone to see a counselor, but she does not care for him. I know that I need to change my behavior or it's over. She has said that unless I can show her, over an extended period of time, that I have changed it is over. I am so confused and I am not sure that separating is the answer. I have started to try some selfhelp techniques and I am going to start going back to counseling. I am willing to do whatever is possible to save my 7 years of marriage. Is there still hope to save my marriage?

Welcome <B>SS1313</B>...<P>Boy... have you come the the right place... <P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Do read my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>Welcome</A> post...<P>...and from it, learn to...<P>1. Start on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>(you did say "I need to change my behavior")<P>2. Get the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>... and read it!<BR>Until you get the book... to get going on Plan A... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Plan A: Avoid <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3401_angry.html" TARGET=_blank>angry outbursts</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3402_disrespect.html" TARGET=_blank>disrespectful judgments</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3404_selfish.html" TARGET=_blank>selfish demands</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3403_annoy.html" TARGET=_blank>annoying behavior</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3405_dishonesty.html" TARGET=_blank>dishonesty</A> (i.e. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>!) at all costs. (page 75 of SAA)...<B>and</B> at the same time, if your spouse would let the you, you should try to meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> (page 77 of SAA) that is...<BR><OL TYPE=1><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3305_aff.html" TARGET=_blank>Affection</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3310_sex.html" TARGET=_blank>Sexual Fulfillment</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3315_conv.html" TARGET=_blank>Conversation</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3320_rec.html" TARGET=_blank>Recreational Companionship</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3325_hon.html" TARGET=_blank>Honesty and Openness</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3330_att.html" TARGET=_blank>An Attractive Spouse</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3335_fin.html" TARGET=_blank>Financial Support</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3340_dom.html" TARGET=_blank>Domestic Support</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3345_fam.html" TARGET=_blank>Family Commitment</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_ad.html" TARGET=_blank>Admiration</A></OL><BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>3. Don't separate!<BR> Don't separate!<BR> Don't separate!<BR> Don't separate!<BR>...and if you missed this one...<BR> <B>Don't separate</B>!<P>4. If the counseling, that your using now, isn't working for either of you... do change it! After reading through these MB concepts... I would recommend that you have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P>5. Stay here and post... and read... and ask...<P>Prayers for you...<P> <P>Jim

Thank you for your advise. I have read almost all of this website and I am planning on going to the bookstore tonight to see about picking up one of the books listed on this site.<BR> I have been trying to put off the separation as long as possible, but we had lunch together today and she still insists that is the only way we can start to resolve our differences. The only reason she hasn't made me move out right away is for financial reasons. She says that she does not want to put either one of us in financial ruins, but I can't see how this will not do that.<BR> How do I stand my ground and stay in our house without damaging the marriage that much more?

SS1313,<P>"How do I stand my ground and stay in our house without damaging the marriage that much more?"...<P>...be honest with her...<P>You have commited to the recovery of your marriage... even if she hasn't....<P>You know you cannot do the things (fulfill any needs) to show her your own personal... and <B>long-term</B> growth...<P>You will do all you can to show her marital/personal/religious/etc. "care"...<P>You will start counseling...<BR>...with of without her...<BR>...as a gift to her!<P>-------------------------------------------<P>Plan A is NOT and act!<BR>It is the real thing... the healing of your marriage.<P> <P>Jim