ok here it goes.. most of you don`t know me, I do not post alot.. <P>I have an ex that for the last 2 yrs has not spoken to me, nor treated me knidly.. for what reason I do not know.. I guess he can hold against me that when I found out about the OW, I threatened to tell her H.. (being she is still married) this is his old high schook freind.. that he all of a sudden, wanted to persue..<P>we were married 12 yrs, have a 12 yr old D, and were together 3 yrs before marriage.. I amn his second wife, he had a live in, inbetween the two marraiges.. and is now on his 4th relationship, that may or may not work.. <P>ok now my delema.. it was my birthday this past week end.. he had usually taken my daughter to get me a gift from her.. in the past, for the holiday, (christmas and my birthday) he gave me extra money, in an envelope, (as he always did, for extra stuff my kid may have needed for school.. never once indicating it was for me..) <P>he had also at one point, way back when.. wrote me a nasty letter saying he would not co-operate if I didn`t sgin the god d__ papers!!! (he was at one point viindictive with money, until I did so.. <P>well now the divorce is comeing to an end, and the paper work is almost over with and final.. he has still not spoken to me, (which I have written in a letter a few time to be civil for our daughters sake..) and he still failed to do so.. <P>my question is.. I now hate this man for all he ahs put me through, and feel such a need to give him a big slap in his facce, to send a message, that I no longer care about him or his money..... <P>I got a card!!! (did you read that!!) a card!! for the first time, with money in it, and the card reads... life is like music, (on the out side), and on the inside it says: some high notes and some low notes, but a wondeful song just the same..<P>no signing the card nothing.. and money, as I feel as a peace offering after all this time nt talking to me and treating me with such mental cruelty.. I should except this!!?? <P>what do you all think..?? I have to make a dicission right away, so when he comes to pick her up, his next visitation.. I do what ever it is I should do... <P>thanks for any suggestions... I would truely appreciate it..!!!!<P>AV

numbheart,<P>Hard decisions...<P>You didn't say clearly whether you're in Plan A or Plan B...<P>I take it from the quote "I now hate this man for all he ahs put me through, and feel such a need to give him a big slap in his facce, to send a message, that I no longer care about him or his money..... "<BR>...you are effectively in a journey towards a Plan B type of mode...<P>So, until you do give him a final Plan B letter...<BR>...be cordial<BR>...but avoid conversation<P>Most of all...<BR>...to spare yourself more anxiety...<BR>...don't mention the card or the money...<P>A little "gift" can so raise your hopes...<BR>...and until there is a good track record of his committment to you...<BR>...your hopes will be dashed... <P>Sorry for being such a downer...<BR>...but how much good has recently come from your H?<P>Pray for him...<BR>I will... <P>Prayers for you too! <P>Jim

Jim,<P>thanks for responding.. I have had no choice since the beginning to be in plan B (his choice!! not mine..) I never got the chance to talk to him from day one.. we had a few times out together, (in the beginning, my choice) and he abliaged me, with a closed heart and mind.. put his wall up and I felt I was waisting my time.. and obviously I did..<P>he has not given me one bit of slack for what he has chosen to do.. I never went to the OW`s H.. just threatened to.. and never once caused him any anguish during this whole sep. keept to my self, and left it that way.. he won`t even look at me if we should happen to bump into one another out side the house.. he looks down avoiding me completely..<P>I was thinking of handing him the card back with it taped up.. no reply.. just the card with the money in it of course.. and nothing more.. I figured he`d get the message.. <P>I am baffled of what to do.. being he was so cruel, and is just now doing this because No 1) to make my daughter see he is being the good guy, when in reality. he is not makeing an effort to TALK TO ME!!! No. 2) to make a peace offer, BECASUE!!! the paper work is almost final.. and I have done nothing to deserve this kind of silent treatment.. so he must be feeling guilty..<P>I feel I have been put through the mill and there is no chance of reconciliation for us, any more any way.. he won`t bend.. I know he won`t.. it is over.. so how do I do this with out causeing friction, (for me daugters sake) but send a message that thanks, but no thanks.. so he FEELS!!!! something..!!! <P>I have no idea what goes thrugh his mind. he was always a real stubborn old goat.. and this time will be no different.. <P>what to do.. every one of my family and freinds say keep the money.. that is so unimportant to me.. I was also thinking of saying in the returned card.. you never gave me what I really wanted and that was a best freind.. so please keep your money.. <P>I don`t know!!! I never did write a recent plan B letter.. but I wrote so many letters inthe beginning, he was sick of hearing from me and mkaing him feel his guilt.. he had asked me to stop.. I wrote for at least 6 mths.. non stop.. BEING HE WOULDN`T TALK TO ME THAT WAS MY ONLY MEANS OF TRYING... <P>I blew it with the letters.. and he is now sick of hearing anything... I felt I had to stop. and some were the plan b. that I loved him and would do what ever he felt was right for him.. being I loved him.. but nothing.. never a word.... cold as a fish.. <P>I`m so frustrated and so hurt by his inability to express him self.. he is 53 yrs old.. it is time to grow up.. and I can`t deal with this silence.. but it seem I am doomed to be tortured for the rest of my life.. <P>I` sorry.. I am turning into a whinner... thanks for your help.. I do appreicate it.. <P>AV

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by numbheart:<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Burn the money. Video tape the fire.<BR>Revel in the flames! Send him the tape.<BR>Free yourself by this act.<P>Bama<P>

Keep the money...<P>Put it into an account for kids/grandkids.<P>I'd still say...<BR>...write that one final closure letter...<BR>...maybe by the time the divorce is 100% final.<P>I too feel my day will come when my divorce happens...<BR>...and I will need that closure too.<P> <P>Jim

I am compelled to post, it is my first.<P>My x was ordered to pay me a settlement per the judges decision. We went to trial because everything (in his mind) was all "his". We were together 15 years, married 13, both of us worked hard and prospered because of it.<P>He has known since November, 1999 what he was ordered to pay and has not done so. Now I am having to forclose on the lein, which the judge put in the decree. He still owes temporary alimony which built up during the course of legal proceedings until the decree date.<P>The x also has about 1/3 - 1/2 of my court ordered belongings.<P>Then, out of the blue, I see an envelope in the mail a week ago Monday, gee looks like a check! Wow, it's finally over. NOPE, a check for $300.00 towards the old alimony debt.<P>Boy did my mind start spinning! I am greatful to have the money, believe me! This legal stuff has been going on over 2-1/2 years per him dragging this out. I was also so ticked off because I knew the next Saturday I'd see him at my grandsons birthday party. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs when I saw him in person that day....what the heck was the $300.00 supposed to do? Make him a hero, buy me off for the party, or insult me? Who knows.<P>I'd also like to add that there has been NO COMMUNICATION between us either, his choice also. So I kind of know where you are coming from, the frustration level is beyond belief! You know what? Take time to sit back, think and not take the bait. Trying to read what the other guys "real" intentions are wastes your energy and you know what, it just isn't worth it. Keeping quiet and keeping on is the best and hardest thing to do. Put the card away, pretend you didn't get it and spend the money on something nice for yourself. You'll be sooooo proud of yourself when you see him the next time. Yes, your guts will be turning and YOUR lips will be silent....what card, what money? It's a real charater builder!<P>Good luck, you are in my thoughts!<P>

Bama,<P>thanks so much.. I was ROFLOL.. that was a great idea!! I wish I had the nerve!!!<P>Jim,<P> an account is a good idea, too, but that I already have.. but, writting another letter.. whats the point..? It won`t effect him, he has already made up his mind up, which has now made up mine, as well.. I have no hope any more.. it is all gone. my heart is numb.. my soul lost, for the time being.. and my body is just exsisting.. making the best of each and every day.. I feel my world has been crushed, and is never going to be the same ever again.. <P>I don`t have it in me to bother to write another word.. for his sake.. he lost that priviliage.. I just wanted to make him understand, he cut the cord, now leave it at that.. and hope that it (MAYBE) would effect him, in some small way.. <P>Ragamuffin,<P>Money has never been one of my ex`s problems... I feel bad for any one who has such a vindictive ex.. I know it must be hard for you.. <P>my ex was a bit vindictive at one point, because back then, I chose to delay the divorce hoping at that time to deter what is now the inevidable.. <P>he saw I gave in, and he went back to being his financially responcible self.. that was never my problem.. we always had plenty of money.. he was always a good provider..<P>I can only say, that I know there are some out there that money is the only issue that causes all this animosity... and that stinks.. it is the key to all divorces.. and thats what makes for a lousy ending.. it is not you or the kids.. it is always the money.. <P>I for one, could use this money now, I unfortunatly do not mamke what he does, so I am limited now.. and he knows this.. so it is his guilt that make him do these things he thinks is so nice, after making me feel like the enemy for two yrs.. when it was him that walked out, found some one else to work on, and lied to me for mths before leaving.. <P>no matter what the faults were I never hurt this man once!! in all our yrs together, to date!!<P>I can now say whole heartedly.. I am the better person.. and thats why I want to make him FEEL something.. some remorse.. some hurt.. something to make his skin crawl, for how he has treated me.. <P>I did not deserve any of this.. and I will never be able to forgive him.. <P>I THANK YOU ALL FOR TAKING THE TIME TO RESPOND TO MY POST!!!<P>AV<P>

AV,<P>I have thought about this for a while, and it sure is a tough decision.<P>It almost seems like a guilt gift. My ex doesn't give me money, but he will do anything to my house, mow the lawn, weed wack it, fix the washer,if I ask. He does this out of GUILT!!<P>I used to feel bad about it, but I'm a single mom of 3 young daughters and once in a while I need some help. <P>The card is definetly strange though?? I don't get it.<P>Trying to figure out the meaning behind it will surely drive you nuts. I suppose if you don't really need that money, give it back. If you need it, keep it. You'll forget about it soon enough.<P>I agree with Jim on the final letter. I have to write one too very soon, my divorce should be final any day now. I am terrified of how I'll feel and what I'll say in this letter, but I think it will be the right thing to do. (I always liked to get the last word in during a fight anyway, here's my last chance at it).<P>good luck, Dana<BR>

thanks dana,<P>I agree about being a hard dicission.. I have to do what ever it is, today..!! and I`ve decided I need to make a point to him, that nothing he does will now ever make up for what he has done to me in the past and still is in the present..<P>I am giving the card back, taped up and money still inside.. too bad I broke the envelope open.. now he`ll know I had some curiosity.. I should have never opened it, to make for an even deeper hurt/point back to him..<P>too late.. but never too late to make a point.. If I thought there was even half a chance he`d think about coming back I wouldn`t bother.. but I KNOW!! thats never going to happen, he will now just keep this silence going.. but this has to effect him in some way.. but which way, I`ll now never know (as usual) any way.. <P>he will most likely say screw her.. and continue his cowardly way.. with the silent treatment.. or by any miracle, FEEL something from this.. <P>all I know is today is the day.. and I hope I *do* get to him, in some way!!!<P>thanks again to every one.. for all your responces..<P>AV

Numbheart,<P>keep the money..and the card..tell him thank<BR>you. And leave it at that.<P>so what if he gave it as a guilt offering,<BR>you have nothing to be made to feel guilty<BR>about..so take the money, and go buy yourself<BR>something nice, or treat yourself to dinner<BR>and movie compliments of him..you don't have<BR>to say what you did w/ the money. <P>To me a thank you would make him feel even<BR>more guilty than throwing it back in his face..(remember would you want him to do that<BR>to you?)

NO.. I`m sorry but I don`t agree... I think I would be hurt that he didn`t except it, and thats what I want from this.. I never got a chance to say or do a thing.. he wouldn`t let me.... and still won`t.. this *WILL BE* a slap in the face to him.. beleive me.. <P>and at this point I there is nothing that will change, on his part any way.. so why even send a card.. why play with my head like that.. I felt hurt again, that he could do something like this and not be human being enough to even talk to me ever again.. <P>this is only prolonging *my* recovery.. and he needs to know I now cut the cord as well.. I don`t need head games.. I want peace of mind.. and this for once allowed me to do something, I was in control of.. <P>if he doesn`t want to see our daughter, (because something came up..) he gets away with it.. I have asked him on occassion to switch week ends with me.. he won`t.. so no matter what I want he won`t bend, but he gets away with murer.. literally.. my heart and soul with it.. <P>I had to do something to shake him up for once.. for what he keeps causeing me...<P><BR>I wanted suggestions as to how to handle this, as well as opinions as to what you would do.. <P>I feel since he left. two yrs ago.. he has given me nothing but anguish... I just sit here and keep taking it.. why must I have to subject my self to further anxiety.. <P>I am hoping this will end his guilt trip, and who cares how much madder he gets.. he has treated me this way since leaving.. <P><BR>I do appreciate where every one is coming from.. I do understand that there are some on here who still have high hopes.. but unfortunatly I do now.. I know this has been over for a long time now.. <P>as sson as he can face his fears and treat me with any kind of respect, as to being that human being again.. and talk to me.. (which of course may never happen) then so be it.. I will make as much effort as he does to be that person... but don`t get personal with me if it is over.. he has no more obligations.. why now..???<P>AV<P>

well it is done... I gave the envelope to my D, to hand to my ex.. (she had no idea what it was) and as he usually does every time he visits, he took her shopping.. and probably spent it on her.. which is fine and what I would have done, if I didn`t want to make my point.. <P>time will tell... he will probably not react in any way as he now has for two yrs.. nothing will change.. and I will never know just how it effected him, but I already do feel better that I for once did something, as a reaction from me to him.. <P>it felt good.. <P>thanks again to every one that took the time to respond.. I, for the most part, always choose to lurk and read.. you are all an inspriation to me.. and even though my marraige is over.. I may stick around for quite some time to come.. <P>this is what helped me through me bad times..even though most don`t know my whole story.. I do love it here.. <P>....AV