I have been told over and over again not to date right now. I need time to heal, etc. and that the failure rate for second marriages within first 2 years of divorce is 83%.<P>So, what do you think the 17% are doing right? Do you think following MB principles in a new relationship (even if considered too soon) can make the second marriage a success?<P>

Maybe they took time in the first year to <BR>really look at themselves and they took the time to heal..or maybe they are trying harder to make this one work than they did the first<BR>one..or...they really aren't happy and just <BR>afraid to get divorced because they have been there and done that before..and they would rather be miserable then be alone..

Hey ThornedRose -<P>I don't really know if it's the staying in a relationship because it's better than being alone really applies any more than it would in a first marriage. I had been living in a misreable marriage for the past four years because I wanted my stbx to be happy.....I wanted our kids to be happy......I wanted our families to happy........I wanted our friends to be happy......but I wasn't happy because I felt betrayal (in my gut) at every turn and found out I was right to feel so.<P>If we can adhere to lessons learned here at MB in a future relationship it certainly couldn't hurt.<p>[This message has been edited by RCoaster (edited August 22, 2000).]

Well, factor in an "error" of plus or minus five percent, which is standard for statistics, and you've got something like 12% to 22% success rate. Some of those people probably died while still married (so they wouldn't count as being divorced), some are unhappy, some are working hard, and some are just "lucky".<P>The statistics for multiple marriages is 75% failure, so apparently waiting awhile does increase your odds a little bit (about 10%). Big deal.

Hey girlfriend,<P>First off, as far as the statistics go, think about WHO is getting married a second time also in those figures.<P>Think about how many betrayers run off and marry the OP right away. You know those marriages are doomed. Its not the same circumstance as maybe a healthy relationship getting married the second time around.<P>Some second marriages, are THE SAME COUPLE, remarrying again. Many times, if the problem (affair, abuse) wasn't fixed, those marriages are DOOMED also.<P>Third, some people simply marry quickly to prove to the other spouse, that they can do it, or for the wrong reasons. Many of those marriages will fail too.<P>I would guess that if you believe in the MB principles, and you applied them, you'd have a good chance. I think that the main factor is finding that someone who is considerably compatible with yourself. Think about those of us that chose our life long partner at 17 or very young in life. <P>I think that the second marriage percentage, is quite frightening, BUT think about how many first marriages were a mistake. Think about how many second marriages are sometimes for the wrong reasons.<P>I agree, some people are lucky. Some people don't want to fail a second time and they try harder (seen this first hand with 2 marriages). But you know what?? <P>Sometimes, we really do go on to a better relationship. It depends on how strong you are and how hard you work to learn from this experience.<P>I think going into a second marriage, both people have to really be OVER all those past issues. You have to be willing to forget the bad marraige of the past and not compare your new spouse to the old one.<P>If you find someone that is compatible with you in a lot of areas, raising kids, financial views, hobbies, etc, and then you both fall in love, and both put in that effort to keep this marriage strong, that would be as close to ideal to making it survive that I can think of. I have heard something like they last longer if you make it past the first 5 years.<P>It was either Bob or WilliamJ that posted these stats from a divorce seminar I believe not long ago. <P>Take one day at a time. Work on recovering from the divorce as best as you can, don't forget the triggers that throw you down every so often.<P>Here's a question for you, are your standards considerably higher for this potential future spouse, than they were the first time around?? I know mine are!<P>Hugs, Dana<BR>

Hi Dana,<P>Some very good points. I'm at one of those trigger points today I guess. Stbx is coming to move stuff. I'll be at work, but I know I'll be thinking about it all day. I woke up this morning at 4 and my first thought was - it's today - no turning back now - I don't want to go there again. <B>But</B>, I still got tears in my eyes. I've been with this guy for 27 years, married for 17 and have two kids with him. <P>Next relationship (if any - not too keen on the idea right now) I will try to keep in mind MB principles and hope that the other person is at least willing to listen to what I've learned about them.

711. Certainly 2nd marriages can work. I'm in my second marriage and it's better then most first marriages. Why? Well we follow a lot of the marriage builders tips. Another rule we both have is to always treat each other the way we want to be treated. Communication is number one for us. Getting a divorce is extremely painful for all involved. Once that happens and you can't change the mistakes you have made in your past the only thing you can do is learn from them. What I have learned and brought into my second marriage that I didn't have for my first was maturity, more education as far as what it takes to keep a marriage strong, and a determination to always put my husband and family first. I've mentioned this on this board before, but my son has 4-5 friends that live with their mother and step father. Most of these marriages have been going strong for years. My father has been married to his second wife for 15+ years and their marriage is stronger then ever. My daycare provider just celebrated her 25th wedding anniversary with her second husband. Please don't enter a relationship thinking the worst because an attitude like that will bring it down.

Thanks everyone. What great replies and advice.<P>Thanks for the encouragement on the second marriage Bonnie. I actually do believe 2nd time marriages can work for all the reasons you set forth. My parents have been married for 39 years (2nd marriage for both).<P>I do think the MB principals can make a difference.

RC - You are right in the beginning of a painful seperation/divorce. It is completely normal for you to feel this way. You will have some time to define who you are now. What you want in life and what you expect from someone. NO ONE deserves to be cheated on. We all make mistakes, and some of us have cheated, Myself, so far I never have, but it still means we're all human. You have to do what feels good for you, and if you can't tolerate the mistrust and 4 years of ups and downs (roller coaster) than you can take this time for just YOU. Not the wife, not the mom, but just YOU. It certainly doesn't mean its over, I know you don't want to hear that, but some people have seperated and the guy has woke up. Only time will tell.<P>Bonnie Sept - WAY TO GO GIRL!!!!!!!!! <P>711- You and I are on the same wavelength all the time aren't we?? The answer lies in who we are, what we've been thru and what our goals are for the future.<P>My parents have been married 30+ years, my grandparents 62 years, both never divorced. I don't really believe in divorce but I got thrown into the situation and I have no choice.<P>I do know quite a few second marriages that ARE INDEED stronger and better than their first. Maturity, life experience, pain, heartache, expecatations, future goals, self respect, confidence, and I hate to say it but great chemistry as well, all define who we are and what we can achieve that second time around. The statistics may not be valid since each circumstance leading up to that second marriage is so totally different. <P>Try thinking about people you know that are on second marriages. Take 2 different couples, I bet their relationships are totally different between each couple. <P>I've said it before, that I am not overly religious either, but I do believe in fate and that God can come into play here as well. Couples who share a common faith, whether its as simple as church every Sunday, or just the same views on a higher power, seem to be a closer unit than those without, I know that was lacking in my first marraige.<P>Prayers and hugs, Dana<BR>

Dana, you mentioned chemistry. I've often thought about that. My husband has a certain <BR>"scent" to him. He doesn't wear cologne and it isn't his deodorant. It's just his natural body smell that really draws me to him. Do you think it's possible to be drawn to somebody because of chemistry?

off topic a bit, but bonniesept, smell is the ONLY thing that attracted me to my husband. so i studied it, and sure enough, it means you have different immune systems. well, the results have been 2 very attractive and healthy children, but a truly rotten marriage. he smelled so good i married him within a month of meeting him!<BR>my mother told me to wear a clothespin on my nose when i start dating again

LWB, your too funny! Immune system huh? Were did you read that one?

I really don't know why I'm posting here, except I can't believe so many people are optimistic about marriage. Here I am on the verge of divorce after 15 years of marriage, and I know somewhere deep inside that I will NEVER do it again. Partially it's the statistics and partially it's having been burned once I don't want to experience it again. I honestly have never been through anything as horrendous as this and I don't want to ever again. I just cannot imagine ever going through with it again. Once is enough for me. Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt. Personally, I would rather be alone the rest of my life. It's just not worth it.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

I do believe there is life after divorce, and that may include another marriage for some of us. <P>Ker, <P>I think many of us have felt as you do, and you may always feel this way. But, even though we don't like to hear it, time does heal, and many here are beginning to think they can move on to another relationship. <BR>I for a while, felt I would never want to open myself up for this kind of hurt again. It was so painful the first time around tht I didn't think I could live through it again. But there is a part of me that likes being married, and wants to share my life with another. So I have decided to work on myself so I can be a better partner, and oneday hope to experience a second marriage.<BR>This may not be the hope of all here, but I do know some here want it again. <P>As far as second marriages go, there is no hurry. Most of us have kids already, most of us are getting ourselves back together. And that is the important part. If we are not over the pain in our past, if we did not learn from this and are willing to work on the next marriage fully, we could be another divorce statistic. <P>------------------<BR>Susan

Keridywn:<P>I know there are many people on this site who are going through terrible divorces and are really suffering. I feel for all of you.<BR>I can understand why you would never want to marry again. I felt that way initially.<P>I have been somewhat lucky in my divorce. I have an amicable relationship with my x. He has stayed involved with my children. So, I am not having to go through all of those issues.<P>I have also met someone who has made me realize that there is life after divorce. And that there are good men still out there. Sure, everyone has their issues. I'm just hoping I can learn from my past and from others on how to make it work the next time around, if I decide to ever really do that again. <P>I hope we all can find happiness in whatever we decide to pursue in the future.

Bonnie,<P>I think about the threads on here a lot. When I am driving and I hear a song or just thoughts popping into my head.<P>I do believe and have seen some people with amazing chemistry. Not all of us are lucky to have it.<P>I HATED my damn H when I met him. I couldn't stand him. I don't know how the heck we made it 11 years anyhow.<P>You mentioned about smell. I had to chuckle, I am attracted to someone too and we were at a party last weekend, and he was off with the guys and all of a sudden I noticed it too, and was thinking, how odd. He doesn't wear cologne either, I bet its his laundry soap or something stupid, LOL, but yes, I think its possible.<P>I also think its possible that even Keri will one day heal and view this all differently. There is more to life than all this pain and suffering we went thru and at one point, me and Keri went thru some stuff at the exact same time.<P>Sending prayers and hugs to all, Dana<BR>

Hi all,<P>I have to agree with just about everything said here.<P>Keridwen - you are at the worst point. Like Sue said, time does help. It really does.<P>And as far as the statistics go, I would venture to say that this group of people is probably in the 17%. We are not the normal cross section of people. We are the ones who think about it - who view marriage as sacred, who didn't casually walk away. We are the ones who will make a good second marriage, just like BonnieSept's marriage. I certainly don't intend to jump into marriage, or make a bad one. Sue was right, we all have plenty of time. I figure the ones who skew the odds, are the people who are on Jerry Springer. Look at those people, jumping from bed to bed, getting married like its going steady... You figure all those slugs into it... I'm surprised there is even a 17% success rate.<P>I choose to remain optimistic. About everything.<P>

Well said, Honeywest.<P>