Hi everyone, it's been awhile since I've posted to this forum, but I have been here reading others' posts and replies. Things have progressed steadily towards divorce since my last posts. I now live in my own apt. as does my wife. We share 50/50 joint custody of our daughter and the house and all the possesions have been sold and our debt paid off and divided. All that remains is for the judge to sign the papers. To this day I'm still trying to get my wife to understand how much I love her....and even now I still don't know the reasons she bailed on our marriage. I'm sorry but the excuse that I just don't love you anymore doesn't seem to hold water with me and yes maybe I'm in denial and refuse to believe its over. I tried again just last week to get her to talk to me. I burned her a CD with different types of music with lyrics that said everything I wanted to say. She never even acknowledged it. She doesn't trust me at all and she's totally unemotional towards me. We've been together for thirteen years, how can a person just shut off her emotions and feelings like that? What I'm wondering is why am I still holding on to a hope that will never be realized? Why can't I move on with my life like she has obviously done? I keep dwelling on what could have been if she'd only opened up and told me what was bothering her instead of doing what she always does and ignore any problems in hopes that they'll just disappear. Well I've ranted enough, thanks for listening. If anyone can offer any sound advice on how to move ahead and leave this behind, I'd be very grateful. Thanks, Jax.

Hi Jax,<P>I am not too familiar with your story, but I was with my ex for 11 years.<P>I don't know that we ever totally fall out of love with our spouses. I honestly feel I am in that process now. However, some people refuse to admit their feelings.<P>Is there an affair involved here? It doesnt' sound like it.<P>I do know a couple that both fell out of love, and I still don't get it.<P>The only thing I can really say is one time I was on the other end where someone really wanted me to see how much he cared and I didn't pay attention because he was "smothering" me. He almost seemed pitiful that he was so persistant it made me dislike him more.<P>You can always Plan A til you can't take it anymore then Plan B. Which will make her come back to you, or you'll fall out of love. Its happened both ways on this forum.<P>Ultimately, at some point, you will torture yourself endlessly by holding on so tightly that it can push her away more. Once I gave up on my spouse, was when he woke up and noticed me.<P>By the time that happened, I was the one who had enough and didn't want HIM back.<P>I can't imagine "falling out of love" unless there were maybe many problems that went unresolved and built up over the years. In that case, sometimes people just have enough and feel its easier to walk away than to cherish those wedding vows.<P>Many of us here searched for that secret to save the marriage. Plan A can work, but I tend to believe at some point, it really takes both spouses to save the marriage, you can't do it alone , and if you try too long, you wind up resenting the other person.<P>Are you in Plan A now?? <P>sending a prayer, Dana<BR>

Hi Jax,<P>Try looking at it from another perspective..<BR>Look back over the relationship and ask<BR>God to search your heart if there is anything in YOU HE wants to change..quit <BR>focusing all your energies on her at the <BR>moment..Don't focus on trying to save the<BR>marriage..but trying to save a friendship<BR>first..Concentrate your efforts on your children and your relationship with them..<BR>and DON'T ask your children questions about<BR>what your W is doing..or not doing..in other<BR>words don't put them in the middle of your<BR>troubles..because they will cause them to resent you in the long run. I know my H asked my daughter things about me, and then she would come to me..I told her when he starts trying to pump her for information just tell him if he wants to know what your mom is doing he needs to ask your mom..before she told him that she didn't even want to be around him..because she didn't want to be in the middle of it..and I don't blame her, because they aren't her "problems" they are<BR>ours and one of which is communication..and<BR>he's finally quit asking her..and their relationship is improving a little..but she<BR>still doesn't trust him not to ask her..so she's still guarded..<P>But, maybe ask her out on a date..call her in advance and ask her if she could meet for coffee or something, and don't ask her about the marriage..ask her about herself and whats<BR>going on in her life..try to court her..don't<BR>pressure her..ask her on a date..and then go pick her up and take her home..walk her to the door and then just tell her good night<BR>and leave..you need to relearn to trust each <BR>other again..<P>Just my two cents..

Thanks for the replies. To answer your question Dana, I was in plan A and have implemented plan B as of nine weeks ago. The only contact we have is when it directly concerns our daughter. Pick ups and drop offs are done at school and we don't even see each other. The reason for the CD of songs that I mentioned came as a lapse I guess, during a time of severe lonliness. And then I saw her driving to work the day before and my heart just leapt. I had a very hard time just ignoring those emotions and feelings and thats when I tried to establish contact again. Yes I have tried to ask her out to dinner and I got no response to that either. She's made it quite plain that there will be no reconciliation, even after all this time I'm still struggling with the concept of not having her in my life anymore. I'm really not sure if there is an affair or not. She denies it and I really haven't got any concrete evidence to support it either so I really don't know and may never know. I've been doing some hard looking at myself and improving upon the things that I think may have contributed to all this over time and I believe I've made suggnificant progress....well I'll carry on I guess, I keep hearing that things will get better, I hope for my sake that's true and it gets better soon because feeling this way is getting really old. Thanks again. Jax