Please, I'm not trying to offend anyone, I would just like to hear a woman's perspective on our situation, even if there are just some similarities. Of course men can answer too, but being a man I realize that women do think differently with regards to emotions and the time it takes to make a decision.<P>Here's a brief description, I do have a l-o-n-g-e-r post w/ more details:<P>This is my 1st marriage, her 2nd. She has 3 children from a previous marriage of 12 years. She is now 41, I'm 32. We have been together for 11 years, married 10. I left for a month around last Thanksgiving, at her request, we saw a counselor, and I came back. She moved our 2 months ago, without warning, I came home and her stuff was gone, she had gotten an apartment. There isn't an affair involved with either of us.<P>Our 1st conversation, the day she left, consisted of her telling me that she didn't feel that I loved her, cared for her, and that our marriage would never go past this point. She said that she had a 6 month lease, and that if I loved her I would give her that time. She also said that after 41 years, she felt that she deserved to be selfish.<P>The next night, we spoke in person for 2 hours. Again, she told me that I didn't love her, care for her, listen to her, and that I only wanted to touch her for sex. She felt that she didn't have a partner or companion in her marriage, and that if she was going to do everything by herself, then she may as well be alone. She said that there wasn't anyone else, that she didn't want to date anyone, and that she was through with men. She said that she didn't know if she loved me anymore. She said that she had given everything to our marriage, and was through working on it. She said that she felt herself slipping back into the depression that she had last fall, 2 months before she left, and that she had vowed then that she would never let herself get to that point again. I, knowing that she has been depressed, (see other post), asked her if she loved herself. She said "no", and I asked her how she could love anyone else if she didn't 1st love herself? We left it that she needed at least a month, but needed to be 100% sure before returning. I got her to settle on 90%.<P>2 days later, she came over, at my request, and I gave her a long letter that I had written outlining all the things that I felt could be causing her depression, and that I was willing to work through her depression before evaluating our marriage, but that I just couldn't give up with everything involved. (other post) She did agree that we could date, but that she felt that she needed to fall in love with me again before coming home. <P>Since then, I have educated myself on love, marriage, and relationships. She made a comment one night that I wasn't compassionate, and that she couldn't love someone that was judgemental and un-compassionate. I have done a tremendous amount of soul-searching, with the help of the Lord, and fixed things about myself that she had complained of in the past as well.<P>We have had several, 5-6, dates in the last 2 months, and they always go very well until I get pushy with the relationship. I have learned what she needs, and try to give her as much compassion, understanding, love, and conversation as possible. Until I screw up, these are the best times that we've had in quite some time. Even the 2 times that we had sex, it was the best that we've had in years!<P>I have come to the realization, that I pushed a tremendous amount of information on her for the 1st 6 weeks. I also pushed our relationship and kept begging for another chance. She made the comment last week that with all the cards and flowers, that she has felt from day 1 that I was trying to make her feel guilty.<P>Here's my new plan: To continue to date her, when she wants. Don't get upset if she cancels, be very compassionate to the reason and understanding. When with her, be very loving and show her who I've become, but don't push affection, actually withold it. DON'T bring up the marriage. DON'T let intimacy, caressing, etc., lead to sex, especially with alcohol! Show her a very nice, romantic time, and then give her space to miss me. I also realize that seeming like a needy, nervous, pleading, begging, wreck of a man isn't very attractive.<P>Her comments in the past have been that she has no feelings for me, for us, or for "other things". That she is empty of emotion. When I asked about "other things", she said that I only need to worry about us, (I know that she is depressed, but she won't see a counselor, and she probably doesn't want to hear it from me.) She is working too much, and says that she doesn't have time to think, and knowing her hours, I tend to believe her. She often survives on 3-4 hours sleep. She has said that she misses me, but it might only be for the companionship. She doesn't regret moving out, and although she comes home alone, at least she doesn't have to worry about her marriage. She doesn't want to throw away our marriage if it's not the right thing to do, but she doesn't know if she will ever love me in the same way again, she thinks I destroyed it. She hasn't told me to sell the house, hasn't filed, and still wears her ring.<P>I know that I was nowhere near the perfect husband, that I was selfish and self-centered, a poor step-parent, and probably took her for granted. I do love her, actually more now than ever, and in a different way than I have ever loved before. I did tell her all this, and that I realized what love actually is. I am also willing to be patient.<P>I do know that her depression needs to be dealt with, but I think I can make her happy('er) 1st.<P>So, from a woman's perspective, has anyone been in her shoes before? Did you go back? Did it work? Are the feelings that you thought were gone slowly coming back as trust is established with him? Did you have the same feelings of hopelessnes and emptiness? Did you eventually miss him? Does dating, in light of my new plan, help or hurt? Do you need true separation to miss him?<P>I realize that everyone is different, but I am looking for advice and hope.<P>I have been able to get on with my life, to a point, and don't think about what she is doing all the time anymore. If nothing else, this has had a tremendous positive impact on me as a person! (Maybe I should tell her that? LOL!
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)<P>And I am Still Praying.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Still Praying (edited August 24, 2000).]
