I WOULD APPRECIATE AS MUCH INSIGHT AS POSSIBLE. I'M DESPERATE!<P>MY MARRIAGE HAS BEEN SLOWLY DETERIORATING FOR THE LAST SIX MONTHS. MY HUSBAND HAS ATTRIBUTED THE DETERIORATION TO A NUMBER OF THINGS (TOO MANY TO NUMBER). AT THIS POINT HE HAS BASICALLY GIVEN UP ALL HOPE IN OUR MARRIAGE. EVEN THOUGH I HAVE URGED HIM TO WORK WITH ME TO FIX THE SITUATION, HE REFUSES TO. HE SAYS THAT FOR THE LAST 3 YEARS HE HAS DONE EVERYTHING TO MAKE THIS MARRIAGE WORK AND THAT HE CAN NO LONGER DO THAT. HE SAYS HE IS TIRED OF BEING THE ONE TRYING TO MAKE THINGS WORK. EVEN THOUGH I TELL HIM THAT I THINK WE CAN WORK OUT OUR PROBLEM, HE REFUSES TO DO HIS PART. HE INSISTS THAT IF I WANT THINGS TO CHANGE, THEN I SHOULD DO WHAT I HAVE TO TO PROVE TO HIM THAT THINGS CAN BE DIFFERENT - AS I CLAIM THEY CAN BE. HE, HOWEVER, HAS DECIDED THAT THERE IS NO HOPE FOR US. HE SAYS THAT DESPITE THE FACT THAT HE STILL LOVES ME (EVEN IF IT'S NOT NEARLY THE SAME AS BEFORE), HE DOESN'T SEE A FUTURE FOR US. HE SAYS THAT THINGS WILL NEVER CHANGE AND THAT HE HAS REALIZED THAT THIS IS THE WAY THINGS WILL ALWAYS BE. HE ALSO SAYS THAT HE DESPERATELY WANTS A FAMILY BUT DOESN'T SEE HIMSELF STARTING A FAMILY WITH ME BECAUSE HE KNOWS ALL THE ADDITIONAL PROBLEMS THAT WOULD CAUSE BETWEEN US AND IT WOULD BE HARDER FOR HIM TO LEAVE LATER IF THERE WAS A CHILD INVOLVED. HE BASICALLY WANTS ME TO "REALIZE" THE SAME THING AND WANTS US TO END THE MARRIAGE NOW BEFORE THINGS GET WORSE. <P>I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO? I REALIZE THAT WE HAVE LOTS OF PROBLEMS AND I WOULD GENUINELY LIKE TO WORK THEM OUT. BUT HOW CAN I WORK SOME OF THIS STUFF OUT IF HE IS UNWILLING TO WORK WITH ME? THERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT JUST CAN'T BE WORKED OUT BY ONE PERSON ALONE.<P>PLUS, I HAVE A MAJOR PROBLEM TRUSTING HIM NOW. I HAD ALREADY STARTED TO DISTRUST HIM A WHILE AGO WHEN I FOUND OUT HE WAS HAVING MORE THAN A "FRIENDSHIP" ONLINE WITH A GIRL FROM MEXICO. HE ALSO STARTED CALLING A COUPLE OF HIS ONLINE GIRLFRIENDS FROM MEXICO. HE WAS DOING THIS WITH CALLING CARDS SO THAT I WOULDN'T FIND OUT - BUT I DID. I CONFRONTED HIM ABOUT IT AND I THOUGHT THIS HAD ALL STOPPED BUT APPARENTLY IT HAS NOT BECAUSE I JUST FOUND OUT HE HAS YET ANOTHER GIRLFRIEND HE IS CALLING. I HAVE READ HIS E-MAILS WHERE HE TELLS HER HE CALLED ON SUCH-AND-SUCH DAY OR THAT HE WILL BE CALLING AT SUCH-AND-SUCH HOUR. <P>TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE, ONE DAY WE HAD AN ENORMOUS FIGHT AND HE SAID HE HAD HAD IT, HE WANTED OUR MARRIAGE TO END. I PLEAD WITH HIM TO GIVE OUR MARRIAGE ANOTHER CHANCE AND TRIED TO AGAIN CONVINCE HIM THAT THERE WAS STILL HOPE FOR US. WE WENT THROUGH ALL OUR SAME PREVIOUS DISCUSSIONS ABOUT HOW IT WAS NEVER GOING TO WORK OUT, ETC., ETC. AND THAT IS WHEN HE DECIDED TO TELL ME THAT HE HAD CHEATED ON ME! I WAS ASTONISHED BY HIS CONFESSION BUT TOLD HIM WE COULD WORK THROUGH EVEN THAT. NOW HE ADS THAT HE HAS NOT BEEN ABLE TO FORGIVE HIMSELF FOR HIS INFIDELITY AND THAT THAT TOO ADDS TO THE FRUSTRATION IN OUR MARRIAGE. SO AGAIN, EVEN IF I WANT TO WORK THROUGH IT, HE DOESN'T WANT TO. PLUS, NOW THAT I KNOW THAT HE ACTUALLY CHEATED ON ME, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TRUST HIM? HOW AM I JUST SUPPOSED TO IGNORE HIS RELATIONSHIPS WITH THESE OTHER GIRLS? I'VE ALREADY ASKED HIM TO STOP AND HE WON'T. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO REBUILD MY TRUST IN HIM IF HE DOESN'T GIVE ME ANY REASON TO?<P>I'M COMPLETELY CONFUSED AND DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. AM I FIGHTING A NEVER ENDING BATTLE? SHOULD I JUST ACCEPT THE INEVITABLE AND REALIZE THAT HE'S RIGHT - THAT THINGS WILL NEVER CHANGE AND WE'RE DESTINED TO FAIL?<BR>BECAUSE I DO LOVE HIM STILL, SHOULD I JUST "SET HIM FREE", UNDERSTANDING THAT HE MAY NEVER COME BACK TO ME? <P>PLEASE HELP ME? WHAT CAN I DO?

I felt the same despair when my x said he wanted a divorce. We were having so many problems and it just seemed like nothing would ever work. I wanted to keep trying and he just said he couldn't anymore and admitted to being involved with someone at work. Even knowing that, I still wanted to try to save our marriage. I didn't know about this site at that time. I wish I had because I would have tried Plan A or B. <P>I did find the other forums "Just found out" and "Infidelity" to be helpful. So many people are going through exactly what you are and there is so much good advice as to what to do right now to save your marriage. Good Luck.<P>My prayers are with you!

Welcome <B>AMMR</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>First off...<BR>...if you could type in mixed case letters<BR>...it makes it a bit easier to read<BR>...and "all caps" is usually an indication of "yelling/screaming"<P>OK...<P>If you are serious about your marriage...<BR>...read all you can in the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>Welcome</A> post.<P>Do start immediately on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>...with more of the "mechanics" at <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>Get the book...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>.<P>If there is no movement from your H...<BR>I would recommend that you(by yourself if you have to) have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P>From what you say...<BR>Forgiveness is a problem for both of you...<BR>...check out... <BR><A HREF="http://www.divorcebusting.com/forumlinks4.html" TARGET=_blank>Forgiveness is a Gift You Give Yourself</A> and <A HREF="http://forgivenessweb.com" TARGET=_blank>The Forgiveness Web</A><P>...and...<P><OL TYPE=1><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/034541344X" TARGET=_blank><B>The Art of Forgiving :</B> When You Need to Forgive and Don't Know How</A> by Lewis B. Smedes <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060674318" TARGET=_blank><B>Forgive and Forget </B>: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve</A> by Lewis B. Smedes <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0785282556" TARGET=_blank><B>The Choosing to Forgive Workbook</B></A> by Les Carter, Frank Minirth <BR></OL><P>Prayers...<P> <P>Jim