Today has been a bad day. Today I swore out a criminal trespass warrant against the stbx wife and the OM.<P>I cried for an hour afterwards.<P>What that means in TX, is if she or he sets one foot inside my property boundries, all I have to do is call the sherrif and they go to jail immediately.<P>MY GOD, I never wanted it to come to this.<P>I thought I was healing......getting on with my life, and here I am crying again.<P>She called me 2 weeks ago to yell and scream at me, blame me, and then have the nerve to ask for more things. In the course of this conversation, she told me that she had never (not even when we first started dating) been sexually attracted to me, never was IN LOVE with me, and knew she didnt even LOVE me anymore over a year ago. (THIS WAS BEFORE I RELOCATED US, GOT A NEW JOB, BOUGHT A HOUSE, AND LEFT ALL MY FRIENDS I had built over 14 years, TO PUT HER THROUGH COLLEGE.)I was devestated, and truly considered suicide that night. Then I GOT ANGRY! I tried so hard for 7 years to be a good husband and make her happy, and all along she was just using me.<P>She called again 2 days ago to ask for the "things", and I let her have it. Said that since she was never attracted to me, then EVERYTHING had been a lie from the get go, and therefore I no longer felt ANY responsibility for ANYTHING that went wrong in this marriage. I told her to never call or see me again and I hung up on her before she had a chance to respond again with more painful revelations. While I meant it, it hurt so badly. I cannot fathom how someone could lie all along just to benefit themselves at such a cost to another. I do not think right now my heart will ever mend......and I am not sure I ever EVER want to even attempt to trust another living sole again. <P>How could someone lie like this for 7 years?<P>Was I just an idiot?<P>Am I stupid?<P>Most of all, IF SHE TRULY LIED TO ME from the beginning of the relationship.......should I consider ANYTHING my fault, as I never knew the truth? This bothers me the most.<P>PLEASE, HELP ME UNDERSTAND THIS IF YOU CAN<P>Thanks,<BR>Ben

{{{{{{{{{{{{BEN}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>We all have been in a point where we are desperate for answers. Answers to what on earth we did for our spouse, whom we loved with all our heart, to display such hatred towards us.<P>I can feel your pain and I was there once too. It seems sometimes, so unbearable, you can't go on. I felt like a failure. I felt totally at blame for everything that went wrong.<P>There is a reality that in most cases it does take two people to make or break a marriage. I truly believe that it takes more than one to save the marriage, but in the beginning, I think we all go thru a few stages.<P>We go thru a stage where we are in denial. "I can't believe this is happening to me".<P>We go thru a stage where we feel this is all our fault. We go thru a stage where we blame the OP and let our W/H off the hook. <P>We get angry for a while. We get scared, we grieve and most of us get very depressed.<P>The fact that you are so emotional shows that you are human and you are vulnerable right now.<P>You should read "Rebuilding when the relationship ends", this book was like a bible to me at one point.<P>Don't forget that when we are angry we say hurtful things. Of course, the most hurtful thing for her to say right now, is "I never loved you", "I wasn't attracted to you" etc.<P>I don't believe this for one minute. If it were true, why would they stay for so long. If it was true, than honestly , no its not entirely your fault either.<P>You can't take blame for a problem you never knew existed.<P>I think we show our love in a way we think our spouse will understand just how much we love them. In many cases, before we know about the MB principles, what WE need is not always what THEY need and we could be wasting our time.<P>I hope you can stand strong and get past all this. It does get better, but it takes a lot of hard work, prayer, soul searching and rising above the betrayer's games.<P>Many times they feel guilty and will say or do anything to ease their pain. <P>Its so soon into this, you need to take some time and do something for YOU. <P>Can you get away for a few days? If not, surround yourself with friends and family. If you left them behind to move, maybe in the future, you may want to return to them.<P>I see you are posting replies to people now, I think thats great. We are all here to help one another and for now, all you can do, is take one day at a time.<P>WHen I was where you are, there were days I took literally 1 hour at a time to get thru a day. Ben, I did that for 6 weeks and it finally started getting better.<P>In the meantime, if this divorce is going to happen, she can get her things when the court or your lawyers decide to seperate them. OR you could give her what you know is hers and what else you don't want and cut all communication from her for your own emotional protection.<P>Are you in Plan A? Maybe its time to think about Plan B, I'm not really experienced in that but there a lot of people here who are. <P>Sending prayers and hugs,<BR>Dana<P>I'll be out of town this weekend and won't be around to reply again, but hope things improve for you.

Dana,<P>Thanks for the reply.<P>The court date is already set for Sept 25, it is a noncontested divorce and she has already signed everything. She doesnt even have to be there.<P>Also, she already signed the property over to me 8 weeks ago today. She supposedly already took all that she wanted, and I boxed up and gave her the REST of the things she left behind that were hers........she yelled at me for that. SO NOTHING left is hers or anything she is entitled to. The divorce agreement already stipulates that the trailer and ALL contents belong to me.<P>The point of contention that she is fighting with me over is a dog. This dog was a wedding gift to US, from MY mother. There is a contractual agreement on the dog, as she is a purebred, which states the dog cannot leave my hands except to go back to its breeder. She never cared for or trained this dog, but thinks it is HERS and therefore wants her to SELL HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <P>NO WAY IN HELL will she get one of MY "children" four legged or not.<P>Now with the criminal trespass warrant, she can never come back, even if either of us wanted her to, without a judge lifting the warrant.<P>I am just so depressed. I never EVER in 7 years lied to her about anything, much less something so important. Our whole marriage was based on lies it seems to me.<P>I have considered she is just saying this to hurt me, but I dont think so..........I think she is maybe being honest for the first time. She has no family, no real friends, and until the OM came along, really had no where to go if she wanted, and she was finacially dependent upon me. Apparantly, thru whatever he does (we wont go there) is very financially solvent and can support her without her working at all.<P>Money is really all that has ruled her for the last year anyway.<P>I just dont know how to put my broken heart back together again.........<P>I got little chance to plan A, and was forced by her actions into the plan B way too soon I think.........Oh well..........<P>So here I am......wondering if I have truly wasted the last 7 years of my life

Hi Ben,<P>I don't reply much these days......but.....your post hit me like a rock square in the back of my head.<P>Most of us have heard those same lines/lies. It was our fault, they never loved us, haven't loved us in years.<P>I struggled so long with those words. But I know the truth..and the truth is we both loved each very much. Someone else came along and told him that he deserved better. <P>I have finally washed my hands of him. If he deserves better, than he can go out and find it. Because I deserve and deserved better. I deserved to be treated with respect and honesty. I still deserve to be treated with respect and honesty.<P>I also am confident enough to know that I am a good person, that I was a good wife, and I tried with every ounce of my being to keep our marriage together.<P>Ben....it has been over a year since he has been gone. Going on 2 years since discovery. And 2 months since my divorce was final.<P>I dug myself out of a hole that was once so deep I thought I would never see light again. I thought of suicide, attempted it, sometimes layed, rolled up in a ball, for several days....just getting up long enough to get the girls to school and let the dogs out.<P>I can wonder the rest of my life what went wrong or I can accept that he chose to leave to find "his" happiness, left me in a horrible mess, and make the best of it.<P>I don't wonder any more. In fact the other day I realized that I can't remember the exact day I found out about his affair. I remembered that it was Friday and in November....but everything else is becoming so distant.<P>But don't get me wrong....I am human. Ben, I still have my "weepy" moments....I still think about him, sometimes still crave his touch or his arms wrapped around me. And one day that craving will go away. Part of it is sometimes I refuse to let those memories go. But that is ok. I still need those memories. But now I have different things that hold those places in my heart that he once did. Friends, family and our special little girls. They fill my heart with so much love that it doesn't seem so void anymore.<P>If you would have seen me or knew me a year and a half ago.....you would be so surprised....because I found Nancy again. The person I liked and the person I was. And that has made me so happy.<P>And I see my ex now......he looks sad, depressed and so unhappy....and being human and being somewhat bitter.......it feels good.<P>Nancy

Ben:<P>I can feel your pain (what part of Texas do you live in? I live in Fort Worth). My wife left me in Feb of 1996, just a few months before our 30th Anniversary. <P>We were 'separated' for 4 years, during which time I made every attempt spiritually, naturally and financially to reconcile with my wife.<P>Then on March 14th of this, our divorce was final, as you know in Texas for a No Fault Divorce, it is a 60 day waiting period only.<BR>My wife didn't have to show up on court day and it only took about 60 seconds for a judge to dissolve a marriage of 33-1/2 years.<P>The 23rd of last month, would have been our 34th Anniversary. Yes, I can promise you, the tears will eventually dry up and you can love again.<P>I honestly never thought I'd laugh again, but the day came when my tears dried up and I just couldn't cry any more. Like you, I thought I could never trust my heart to another ever.<P>I am engaged to a wonderful girl and yes, there is life 'after divorce'.<P>I must say this though, you really have a tough road ahead of you, unless you totally depend upon the Lord. If it hadn't been for Jesus, I would have never made it through this time.<P>Don't fight back! Don't be vindictive or nasty to her. I think you were right in hanging up on her and I would adopt a complete, no contact rule. I would return any letters unopened she sends etc/etc.<P>Don't rush into another relationship just for spite or loneliness. Allow yourself time alone to heal and deal with your own issues. I didn't date for the first 3 years, 10 months of my separation.<P>This too shall pass and if you allow it, this can make you a better man.<P>[censored] from Texas <P>You asked the question if the last 7 years had been a waste...only you can answer that.

Mental & [censored]<P>Thank you for your replies. I am really relying on this board to keep my sanity right now.<P>Both of you gave me some real rational advice and ideas. I am having trouble staying focused today I guess.<P>Nancy,<P>I am not sure which, if either would make me feel better. I am not sure that what she is saying is a lie......I am more inclinded to believe (from her behavior in the marriage) that what she is saying now is the real and whole painful truth. You see, we never had a sex life. I was always given the reason was her childhood. But, you know, my gut kept telling me there was something else really wrong, and if she was lying to me only to use me, it would make perfect sense finally. She has lied to everyone around us about almost everything. And, her brother and I have never been on good terms because long ago he tried, unsucessfully, to tell me that she was a user, liar, and pretty mentally ill. I guess I should have listened.<P>Does that make me feel better? To think that she was lying.......I dunno...Does it make me feel better to think she is lying now, and that she really did love me?.....I dunno about that either. I guess I sorta wish the last 7 years had never existed now.<P>The only things I truly miss are:<BR>1)someone to come home to (not an empty house)<BR>2)someone to cuddle with (that is the only thing that she truly "allowed")<BR>3)The belief that I had found the meaning in my life (to be a good husband)<P>Those are the only real things that she took from me that I am having problems with. There really wasnt much of a marriage, if I look at it honestly.<P>[censored]<P>You seem like a fine man, and congrats on your new life.<P>I used to live in Dallas (for 14 years), I now live in the small town of Hearne, which is just North of College Station. I moved down here for HER. Moved here in august to put her thru A&M. Supposedly she wanted to be a meteorologist. Now I have a good job, and a great boss, and somehow the good Lord saw fit to have me end up with the property we had just purchased in Dec. 10 acres with a little mobile on it. My horses and furry children love it. My biggest problem is that my family (whats left) are in KY, and all my friends are in Dallas. So on top of the divorce coming up, I have no friends here for support. That sucks<P>I know what you say is true about GOD. <BR>However, I feel so distant that I am not sure I will ever find my way back. When I married her my relationship with God was good. I allowed her belief system to infiltrate mine, and she had little faith in ANYTHING, and certainly not in christianity. <P>I have some real problems now with it because of theology classes we took together, so this is an area I am struggling with.<P>Not giving up.....just struggling.<P>Thank you for your words tho, they do help just to know others understand, have been there, and lived through it.<P>Ben<BR>Right now I cannot see that far,and honestly, I am not sure that I want to.

<BR>Hi kiddo, <P>I've heard those thoughts before. The "It's been 12 years" is all that's different. 12 years ago he realized that he had made a mistake, that he didn't love me the way he should, but it was too late. I was pregnant with our son and he tried to make the best of it.<P>I identify with the anguish over whether any of the past years were real. During the past 4 or 5 years, when I expressed discomfort and doubt about his relationship with his "bestfriend", the OW, he reassured me with such loving words. <P>I remember times we made love, hikes we took with our son, camping trips, anniversary dinners. I kept cards he gave me, re-read the loving poems in them. Lying to himself, he says.<P>Holding each other in bed, sitting close on the couch, sitting on the same recliner, sometimes gazing into each others eyes. And he was lying to himself. And to me.<P>So a year ago July he lets me in that it was him lying to himself. I wish he'd told me earlier. I wish he'd said "Hon, we have problems and I think counseling would help." Something.<P>I understand your pain. <P>I wasn't lying when I said I loved him. How could he be lying? How could he fool me? How could I be so stupid?<P>How could I let him reassure me about the OW? How could I buy the lies that his friendship with her enhanced our lives, and after disclosure (still no admission of an EA or PA) his insistence that he needed her friendship to tolerate his loveless marriage. Because it was INNOCENT.<P>'scuse me, I need to hurl. <P>I understand, you feel like a fool. You wonder how you can get through the next hour, the next 30 minutes. It gets better. Really, time will help. I wondered about getting through the next hour, the next ten minutes, for a long longggg time.<P>Cyberhugs. <BR>