Okay, I've finally talked my husband into considering counseling. We've been bumping along for a year without much progress (actually, there has been progress, but it tends to be two steps forward...two steps back).<p>He says he likes me, I like him, we have great conversations together, and have a tremendous shared history, but he says he doesn't feel romantic love for me and doesn't know if he ever will (obviously, there's more to this story, but I'll skip the background for now.)<p>I can't believe that with all this emotional compatibility and affection that there is no hope for the possibility of romance. Am I deluding myself or not? What should I be doing, and how should I approach counseling?<p>Any response would be greatly appreciated!

Most modern marriage counselors with a clue believe that love is as much a choice as it is a feeling. Most couples believe that love is that all over tingly feeling and the wonderful "ooshey" way we felt during courship and in the first few years or so of our marriages. But that "ooshey" feeling goes away as real life butts in, and the tingly feeling is something that we need to work to attain after a certain amount of time.<p>If you like each other, and you enjoy being together and you are compatible, you're 75% of the way there, the way I see it! I've been trying to explain that to my husband ... but he's distracted by the slug that he's gotten involved with. Romance is a setting - it's a choice. Eliminate the "love busters" in your relationship and you will be more comfortable and compatible. Learn about each other's emotional needs and find "romantic" ways of meeting them, and you will find yourselves in love again. More than one counselor has written about this - each with his or her own method (similar to the others) of getting there!<p>I believe in this. I've read about six books by different authors with countless case histories that demonstrate that it can and does work. You may want to try some of the books mentioned here and in other forums. Use the search function and look for "books" and I'll bet you will find a gold mine of recommendations. See if you can find them at your public library, or purchase them yourself if you can afford to. And if your H will read them, even better! How can so many people from so many different places all be wrong? <p>terri

I should probably give a bit of background to put my question in context. We've always been a sort a very friendly, cerebral couple, not with a tremendous amount of romantic "spark", but very close in terms of shared jokes, good conversation, etc.<p>About a year and a half ago, a really devastating event happened to the two of us. It's not important what, just be assured it really threw us both for a loop and left us pretty depressed and sad about life. During this period of depression, he started an online romance that was emotional, but not physical, but still very, very serious.<p>He ended that, told me about, I was very upset, and it was clear that we had really drifted far apart. It also brought home to me (and to him) a sense of the "chemistry" that was lacking in our relationship. In the past year, we have definately rebuilt a friendship, but not a romance.<p>He is skeptical after a year, of the possibility of romance ever entering the picture for us, especially since there was never massive "chemistry" in the first place. I point out that we both care for each other a great deal, are tremendous friends and are I cannot believe that it's impossible to grow a romance from that, but for him, it's like there's this great hurdle he cannot leap over. I think nine-tenths of the "hurdle" is in his head and I tell him so, and he agrees, but is not sure if he can ever overcome it. However, by his own admission, he realizes I care for him deeply, and has said himself that he is not sure he could ever find anyone who loves him as much as I love him. But he's terribly afraid that we're wasting our time.<p>I've asked him to just please keep an open mind about counseling, give it a chance to work, and stop getting so damn discouraged when things don't move forward. I tell him that I want a relationship that functions on all levels...romantic as well as friendship, and the minute I believe there's no chance of that happening, I'll let him know, but meanwhile, I am still convinced it's possible, and I want him to really put his heart into this, and not just be humoring me in this matter.