Dana, <P>The confusion you are feeling is normal. It is very difficult when the WS is so confused himself and doesn't know what he wants!<BR>You were right in telling him to get himself together first. It sounds like he has never done that, and he needs to or he will never have any good relationships. <BR>These are such emotional times for all. Takes care of yourself, let your mind and heart lead you. You will know what is right for you, and you have a lot of time to figure it out as well. Take that time. You have a wonderful life ahead of you and make sure you will be happy. <P>------------------<BR>Susan

To Honey and Sue,<P>you two both always have the same outlook as me on so many issues. Thank you for replying again.<P>My ex sounds related to yours honey! I don't want him back but am not going to rock the boat this week, I'm drained and not up for this fight, so I am just distancing from him.<P>I guess we can't truly say where we'll be a year from now. Can I tell you that I DON"T want to be with him?? Thats about all I do know. <P>That and that I need to make some serious changes and find some happiness cuz this down time stinks.<P>Hugs to you both, Dana<BR>

Dana - I know this must be hard. Many is the time I prayed for my x to have a change of heart and want to work on his marriage. When he finally expressed those desires, my response was "We'll see. Can you prove you want to work on it?" That was always where it fell apart. He could not do the work to rebuild it. He couldn't bring himself to ask me, just me without the children, out for a date. If couldn't do that, he couldn't do the rest of it. And he never did. So, I guess we never will. Especially since I hear he's getting married this fall.<P>I was adamant that I did not want my old marriage back. I wanted a new one - a better one.<P>If your x has a pattern of cheating, you might be interested in S-Anon. It's a 12 step group much like AlAnon only for the coaddicts of people who have some form of sexual addiction. In your case, you have an important person in your life who has multiple extramarital affairs. In my case, I had a sexually anorexic stbx. Some attendees are coaddicts of pornography addicts. The participants stories were all varied. It is an anonymous group, I didn't even learn most people's last names or occupations. Their national headquarters phone number is 615-833-3152. It's staffed only part time. They can send info about the disease of sexual coaddiction and about groups in your area. <P>I know. How do you find time for anything else in my life? That's not something I can answer. I do know, though, that through S-Anon I came to realize that many of the problems in my marriage weren't really my problem but I was allowing x to shift responsiblity to me. It helped me to see what was my struggle and what was his. S-Anon was a place where I really gained a lot of hope and courage. I left a lot of my self-imposed guilt in that meeting room.<P>God loves you, Dana, and so do a lot of people here.<P>I pray that your day is full of God's love and blessings.

Cinderella, <P>Thank you for the reply, that is one of the nicest ones I have received. <P>TOday I am just taking it hour by hour here. Trying to keep my strength up til the end of the day when I can just go to sleep and call it a day.<P>Funny, I remember telling Ben how I did that months ago,never thinking I'd do it again so soon.<P>I don't want the marriage. I don't want my ex. He has had 11 years to be the man, the husband, the partner that he never will live up to.<P>He only wants me out of "default". THe affair is winding down. HE is sick of her. Big deal, That doesn't mean crap to me. He had a chance in January to WALK AWAY from her and he didn't. <P>I won't take him back out of me being second choice.<P>I agree, I want another marriage someday, I'll admit, I mourn the loss of marriage so much more than I mourn the loss of my husband. I want a better one someday too. <P>Maybe had he not left on xmas. Maybe had he not served me divorce papers on valentine's day. Maybe had he not purposlely tried to force me into financial debt (successfully), maybe had he not called me from work to hear her give him oral treats that I needed to NOT know of, maybe had he not tried to destroy my life, things would be different.<P>But the fact is, that he has tried to destroy me these past 6 of the 8 months. Never mind the affair, thats a minor thing compared to the crap I've lived through. <P>I just want to build my strength to stand up to him and tell him like it is. William J was right, maybe I'll get a moment of truth out of him. At this point, the truth is, that not much he could say could even make a difference to me. And the truth is, I have to live now with the rest of my life, with walking away again from the marraige, and feeling selfish and guilty when this is his doing as far as the affair, and the divorce goes, it was his choice to bring it on. <P>He had opportunities to be a man and do the right thing, but he chose to be selfish and walk away because the grass was greener. Well, now I hope he can live with it because thats what I'm trying to do.<P>Hugs, Dana<BR>

Dana,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I agree, I want another marriage someday, I'll admit, I mourn the loss of marriage so much more than I mourn the loss of my husband. I want a better one someday too.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This is exactly how I feel. The week before GDSTBX left I was telling myself how much I loved being married and to her...It took me six years to get to this pointe...I too will marry again and armed with all the stuff I have learned here she will be one lucky ladie...and I will be one lucky man...<P>I think I drove through your home town on saturday on my return run from Canada...Syracuse, right...<P>Bill<p>[This message has been edited by WilliamJ (edited August 29, 2000).]

Bill,<P>Maybe your post wasn't meant to make me laugh but it did. Thanks for the laugh.<P>The reason I am laughing for one is...Syracuse...um close, I'm in Rochester, but I bet if you were on the thruway, you passed that too , was that on the way to see soul loss and whats the other name, deut? I think/???<P>Thanks for stopping in to say hi!!<P>Actually I was driving THRU Syracuse myself Saturday that was another reason for laughing, we probably drove right by each other, did you see some crazy girl in a minivan balling her eyes out and driving about 90 mph??? That was me!!! <P>OK lastly the GDSTBX, I take it I know what GD stands for even though in your last post you actually SWORE, its ok, we all do it. But anyhow, GDSTBX is a much better term, lets submit it to the Harley's for approval, then Jim can add it to one of his links. I think he has one telling us what each set of letters stands for.<P>Finally, GOOD FOR YOU. I too mourn the loss of marriage, the loss of my dream, my hopes and my one thing that I held high was my faithfullness to him. <P>I think the MB principles are wonderful and I too know I'll make a damn good wife again one day, But I was a damn good one the first time around. I wasn't that bad. But this time, I know I'll be even better!!!!! <P>Keep up your strength and screw GDSTBX and her XGDLRB too. What comes aroung does go around I think we all see that in the end.<P>OK back to my misery, that laugh was only temporary.<P>Dana<BR>

I was comming dowm I81 from Watertown...Went through Syracuse @ noon...Did I tell you that as a chlid I lived in both Catskill and Oswego...Played hockey in Rochester a few times...Do you get Lake Effect snow? we did...52 inches in one night...<P>I don't think the Harley's would apretiate my appendage to STBX...LOL<P>I hope she doesn't come sniffing around...I really just want her to sign the frikken papers...I hope she is miserable as ****...I'm not...LOL<P>Remember misery is a choice.<P>Bill

I forgot where I heard this - might have been on one of the boards here - "The grass is only greener on the other side of the fence because it is fertilized with s**t!!" Too bad our ex'es will never learn that little fact!!<p>[This message has been edited by Lady M (edited August 29, 2000).]

Lady M,<P>OK, now I'm ROTFLMAO, thanks!<BR>Dana<P>Bill I'm replying on your thread, I'm getting confused, can't keep up today!<BR>Dana<BR>