Catchy title, must be one of my primary needs, eh?<P>For any that haven't seen my posts, my wife moved out 2 months ago after 10 years of marriage. She initially told me that she doesn't know if she loves me anymore.<P>To make a short story long, I have been going through this site again and started thinking about her recent comments after reading about about leading a spouse back to intimacy. I read that the spouse receiving the care usually moves from withdrawel to intimacy 1st, not wanting to see the other hurt.<P>I have done everything possible to deposit as many love units as possible with her on the phone since Sunday, actually acting in a way that surprised her if not outright shocked her by her reactions and here are her comments:<P>Sunday, we talked about going out to dinner. She said that a girlfriend was taking her out, but that she may forget or not feel up to it. If not, she was going to a cookout Monday with the kids, but told me these never last too long so that might work. The way that she injected these statements gave me the feeling that she might have wanted to see me. She said that she would call me back, which she did, (a switch), and although it was on, my response was an enthusiastic "Good for you! I'm sure you'll have a great time," instead of my old "poor me" whining.<P>She never called me Monday, which was fine, so I called Tuesday. We spoke about Monday, her b-day, and I complimented on how she doesn't look a day older than when we met, and she gushed. I asked her about the week, and she said that Thursday might work, I told her that I would wait to hear.<P>She called Thursday afternoon, (still a switch), to tell me that she was living on 3 hours sleep, was going to be there for "who knows how long", had to be back @ 6:30 a.m., and didn't think that tonight (Thurs.) would be a good idea. She said that she wanted to try lunch on Saturday, to call her @ work, and that she didn't want to disappoint me. The key here, to me, is her statement about not wanting to see me "disappointed." Couldn't that possibly be translated into not wanting to see the other hurt? Or am I grasping?<P>I called her back and told her that was fine, that I understood, but the conversation was brief as she was busy.<P>I then called her place and left a message stating that it was too bad that we couldn't have talked longer, but it was obvious from the background commotion that she was having a terrible day. I commented on how I wished that she didn't have to work so much. I also told her that I really appreciated the fact that she took time out of her busy day to call me, that she didn't have to. I also told her that she didn't need to feel as if she disappointed me as it was more important for her to get her rest, (I used to be quite selfish), and that Saturday would be fine.<P>Again, I am trying to deposit as many positive, caring love units as possible every time we talk.<P>Maybe I'm trying to uplift myself by writing this.<P>BTW- She really does overwork herself, she has for quite a while, and is actually working 2 RN jobs now, so I'm not worried about there being anyone else taking her time. She's done this for quite a while, and several weeks ago she made the comment that she hadn't been the perfect wife either, she thinks she works too much. She has a problem of agreeing to work for whoever calls her to fill in.

Give her time...but it sounds positive <P>Just don't stand her up once you make the date..my h did that to me..said he was sick..<BR>but he sounded more drunk than sick...

Update- (nothing, really, maybe I'll do this instead of journalling for awhile, maybe I'll get some other opinions)<P>She never called me for lunch, but I called her and we are meeting for breakfast tomorrow, she has to work this afternoon. It doesn't bother me that she didn't, I'll explain why in a minute.<P>I talked to a friend of hers that she went out with last night, and went shopping with this morning. Initially, what her friend told me scared me, that she was happy, and that she was thinking about getting a lawyer. After reading my own twist into things, I've come to a different conclusion.<P>The happy thing is neither here nor there, as everyone told her not to move out when she did, and being the independent type, she's not going to let on to how she feels. The other part, is that she knows that her friend and I talk, as her friend's hubby has left her and filed, and she may be trying to get filtered information to me as she knows I'll hear it. She has felt that I was trying to control this situation, and this may make me think that I'm not in control. I might counter this statement by telling her friend that after thinking about it, if that's what she wants then I will give it to her as I only want to see her happy in life. This is actually a true statement, but of course not what I am hoping for. I wonder how she'd handle that?<P>Another statement that she made was that she, and I don't now the exact wording, wouldn't be happy until this was over. 2 things, I thought she just said that she was happy, and what does "this" mean? She didn't, as far as I know, say "until the divorce is final". Sounds to me that she is still unhappy, depressed, and she's vaguely hoping that something, in the near future such as a divorce, will bring happiness to her. That's unfortunate, as we all know that if I signed and it was final tomorrow, neither one of us would be truly happy for some time. There is just too much emotional baggage left around.<P>Another comment was what she said when her friend asked her if I was any different, as her friend has told me that I seem like a completely different person lately, and she answered that I seemed mellow and wasn't being pushy. Hopefully, mellow means full of love and compassion, and pushy means not so selfish and self-centered. This is good, because she used to tell everyone that she didn't think about me, well, apparently, she has been to some degree.<P>My comments and actions have hopefully left her very confused in the last week, I am obviously not the arrogant, self-centered, selfish, and uncompassionate @$$hole that she left. I am truly not. I find it difficult, if not impossible, to find the bad in any person or situation, and believe me, at 1st I couldn't believe it either so I tried. It's just not there anymore. I feel that my tone of voice, (almost relaxing, understanding, and theraputic), my comments, and the way that I have reacted to various situations of let down recently have left her wondering who I am, as they are certainly not what she would have expected. <P>I think the comments designed to let me know that she is in control, happy and divorce, are designed to see if she can get some sort of negative (love busting) rise out of me, which would make it much easier for her defenses to come up. If I heard about the divorce statement, wouldn't it be easier for her to regain the upper hand if I pleaded with her to wait? I think that at least partially, she is losing control of this situation, and it scares her. Not only because she thought that her feelings were protected from me, but because she isn't sure yet if I am for real.<P>Besides, if someone that you initially fell in love with, and that you've been with for years, changes into Mr. Perfect, how would you react? Of course this will take time for her to get comfortable with and realize that it's for good. For right now, all I can do is everything possible to fill her love tank. <P>Please don't think that I've changed myself into what she wants to make her happy, I've changed into the type of person that everyone SHOULD be!<P>So, is this plan "A"?<p>[This message has been edited by Still Praying (edited August 26, 2000).]

HEY PAL,<P>THIS SITUATION YOUR EX IS PUTTING YOU IN DOES NOT SOUND GOOD. A MAN HAVING BEEN THROUGH THIS MYSELF THERE IS SOMEONE ELSE AND SHE WANTS TO KEEP YOU AROUND AS PLAN B.AND PLAN B YOU ARE MAN!<P>DON'T STAND THERE AND TAKE IT !<BR>YOU ARE NOT WHAT SHE IS TELLING YOU YOU ARE, I MEAN IT IS OBVIOUS YOUR VERY CARING CARING ENOUGH TO VISIT THIS SIGHT TO HELP HER AND YOU, <P>YOU ARE BEING ABUSED AND GUILTED SO SHE CAN HAVE HER OWN WAY AND STILL KEEP YOU AROUND!!!<P>TURN AROUND MAN WALK AWAY!<P>DON'T CALL HER, DON'T WAIT ON HER! ESPECIALLY DON'T TAKE THE BLAME FOR HER AND HER POSSIBLE <BR>AFFAIR.<P>LET HER GO DON'T FOLLOW OR COURT HER GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE ....<P>IT IS THEN AND ONLY THEN THEY WILL RETURN , TRUST ME FRIEND I AM LIVING PROOOF!<P>I TRIED ALL THAT AND NO GO,,, LET HER GO AND SHE CAME BACK! THEN SHE MIGHT REALIZE THAT THE GRASS AIN'T SO GREENER AND SHE HAD A GOOD THING AND SHE BETTER GET BACK TO YOU THE GOOD PERSON BEFORE YOU LEAVE HER OUT IN THE COLD.<BR>IT WAS ONLY AFTER I GOT ON WITH MY LIFE AND STARTING WORRYING ABOUT ME THAT THINGS SWUNG AROUND, IF NOTHING ELSE YOU WILL FEEL SO MUCH BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF<P>SHE HAS YOU EXACTLY WHERE SHE WANTS YOU FRIEND..DON'T GIVE HER THAT POWER<BR>SHE SURE CAN MANIPULATE LEARN FROM MY YOU CAN DO IT<P>PRAYING FOR YOU TOO!<BR>

rtn2,<P>I appreciate your response, and I would be lying if the thought never crossed my mind that there was someone else.<P>However, there is, at least in my mind, alot of variables involved in this that at least give me my own perception of the problem and why she left, but I really don't think it was for someone else, and I still realize that I could be wrong.<P>Back to your situation, as I am curious, how long did you play the cat-n-mouse game before you stopped, and how long before she started to contact you? I do feel that I am not forcing her to make any decisions, she doesn't feel that she has to, she could be testing me or trying to punish me, and she may be enjoying the all of the attention and control.<P>Take care and God Bless.

Hi,<BR>I should explain.....<BR>I set up this username at my husband's or ex (whatever) house so when i spend time here i can still read encouraging notes. As well as post my own.<BR>My side of the story is under rtn.<BR>My H believes i had this long affair and i left him for another man. I did infact sleep with someone else who was so i thought supporting me at the time. I did not plan this. It happened. We talked about separating and my H wanted an agreement in place so he wouldn't get hit up for deseration which i didn't want to take anything from him so we drew up the agreement and this is when i went to my friend because i felt even more upset. a month after we agreed to separate and a month before he filed taking my daughter from our home and refusing to let me see her. So i attacked his business to get my daughter back and i won. By no means am i saying it was right...it wasn't but i can't change it and i don't believe my husband can accept it. I think that is great that you feel you changed. Have faith!! Now i felt like crap afterward and pushed my H away because i figured he would never understand. I treasured his attention but at the sametime we were playing the lawyer game and i felt too that he was manipulating me for a better settlement.<BR>Now i think i understand but even still i have hard times as he entered into a "relationship" 2 months after he filed and consequently spent evening and nights with each other exculating to him buying her a thousand dollar necklace and taking her to mexico while still swooning supposedly over me.<BR>Right now we spend time together but i feel he sets us up for a fight when he feels hurt. Then goes running back to her. See my husband is a game player. He has been telling this other woman that he does not love me and i refuse him access to our D. I haven't. 1 weekend when i told him she was going to a special weekend he made plans with his woman for the Niagara Falls and our daughter wasn't available to him. Now i didn't go and get her because he wasn't picking her up on any kind of regular bases. This other woman he leaves her hanging just like me to see what he can get. I have been trying to be patient and understanding of his hurt feelings but for the past 6 and a half months my H has never spent a night alone. Kudos to him i guess. He is either with me at our old house. Or with her at hers or our old house. Talk about not being able to make up your mind. I think i have paid my dues.<BR>I came to him in january letting him take me for lunch and going shopping and spending a night together which by the way he never called to say how nice it was......<BR>I had a MAJOR family event take place and for the entire month of FEB he wouldn't return my calls or even his daughters.<BR>I told him at the end of FEB that i wanted to try full force to get back together. I haven't had his full support attention dedication or anything since because he has been with her. I found out about her accidentally. He even went so far as to tell this woman i am jealous of their relationship and hold our D hostage. That i tore her clothes apart when i found out about her. WELL my H and i are very passionate and kinky her item that was all torn up was on my body that he riped off of me! Consentual.<P>SO PLEASE<BR>do what YOU think is right and reasonable. You'll know when your ready to make moves and play it off by your head and your heart.<BR>Let go of any anger and believe in your openess. Honesty is the only way.<P>

Still Praying,<P>Not sure I follow what is going on with rtn2, but let me offer you what has worked for me. I am a little further along than you in this situation - my wife is gone now for 6 months. I had/have many of the same thoughts and concerns as you do. I still don't know where my own situation is headed, but let me share with you a few thoughts:<P>* My wife also said she left because she was not "in love" anymore, but she still loves me? To be "in love" requires trust and the desire to do things for another person. My wife has told me she doesn't trust me right now and that if she came back, she believes things would go right back to how they were. Over time she will see that is not the case, and if not, I will know that what I did was not a waste, that it helped me become a much better person.<P>* My approach to the whole mess has been to address 3 areas: My faith, my person, and then my wife. The day of our marriage, our priest gave his sermon and said it this way: "In order to have a successful marriage, there needs to be three types of love in this order - 1) Love of God, 2) Love of Self and 3) Love of others (including your wife)." He went on to say that unless you love God first, then yourself, you can't possibly show love effectively for anyone eles. Over the past few months I have been trying to following this approach. The result? I have found something that helps in ways I never imagined - serenity. I have found the "peace" to help me deal with the troubles I am now in. Peace, patience and perseverence - they are the guiding forces that have been with me lately.<P>What does this mean for you right now? Simple, begin by strengthening your faith. Pray - pray hard and pray often. If you begin to have a "bad" thought, stop and ask God to remove it from your mind and He will help. Get outside as much as you can - Being outside in the sun helps get your mind off things (at least for me).<P>There are positives in any situation. One I have definitely seen is how stronger my faith has gotten. The times I thought I could not go on, I prayed and asked for strength and comfort. How strange was it that not too long after those short prayers, a good friend or family member would call or stop by and help me get out of "my mood"?<P>* Like you, I began "beating myself" up. I went back and evaluated everything I did wrong. I was even a little more hard on myself than you are on yourself. Once I identified what I wanted to change, I stopped "blaming myself" and I began everyday doing things to implement the changes I wanted. BUT, it was not for my wife to come back, it was to better myself. Try focusing on that. Don't look at everything you do as a reason for your wife to return - it may backfire and she may still see you as trying to manipulate her into returning. Become a better person so that when you wake up and look in the mirror, you are happy with who you are "for you", not for anyone else. <P>Another thing that helped me, also came out of prayer - I began to ask myself, really ask myself, if I was truly "ready" for my wife to return? What if she had an affair, could I handle that right now? Am I positive that I did change and am I sure that I would in fact not revert back to the "old me" if she came back?<P>The worst thing that could happen would be for my wife to return and "trust" again, only to have me revert back to who I used to be. That would hurt her in a way I don't even want to think about. The answer to my question of "am I ready for her to come back" was "no". Don't get me wrong, I want her back more than anything, I just grew to understand that God is giving us this time to grow separately so that when we do come back together, we are both strong enough to handle the new relationship we will form. By looking at it that way, I am able to focus on my own growth, (But at the same time I am showing my wife my unconditional love through "occasional" cards, emails, flowers, etc... And at no time do I ask her to come back or for anything else).<P>* Keep in contact with your wife, but do it in the most non-threatening way possible. Stop asking for anything from her. First of all you are opening yourself up to more hurt since she probably does not want to give you anything back right now. Secondly, by not asking for anything, you will help her see you are truly changing for "you". I don't think she wants you to change "for her", I don't think anyone wants that. And as long as you "occasionally" let her know you still love her and are thinking about her, you will keep adding to her emotional tank. Jesus called it "unconditional love" - doing for others and expecting nothing in return.<P>Finally, try to lessen the time you spend on evaluating everything she says and does. I did this coninually in the first couple months (and sometimes still catch myself doing it). It will drive you nuts. Just go with the flow. (easy to say, hard to do - but I always try) Focus on bettering yourself, spiritually, mentally and physically. Remember with God, all things are possible. Trust in Him. Its hard, believe me I know.<P>Keep strong.