Hello,<BR>First thank you to those who have been helping me deal with my mother and her potential divorce situation. <P>Okay, here's some brief background before I ask the question.<P>First marriage...My mother was severely beaten on thousands of occasions. He also went out on her with every woman around. Not only did he beat her physically to the point of several surgeries, he also beat her emotionally to the ground. Then after 25 years of marriage....divorced her for someone half his age.<P>Second marriage...Been married 14 years and pops up with the "I'm not in love with you" statement. Problem is he hasn't been in love with her for years. I know he has tried to get both of my sister-in-laws to go out with him. He begged one to go to Vegas with him. He made sexual advances toward one and my brother and I both confronted him. He madelots of sexual comments and has tried well begged a woman at work to let him pay her for some sexual favors. She runs from him now. Here's the deal...I don't think my mother can handle any of this information without an excellent support system with extensive counseling.<P> Meanwhile, she thinks he is this great man that has stood by her in her time of need. She doesn't think he would ever try to take advantage of her even though he makes no bones about wanting out of this marriage. He leads her to believe that things are going to be alright but then tell all of us that there is not any way he wants to stay in this marriage anymore.<P>I feel like I'm in a catch 22....I'm afraid she can't handle the truth but I don't want her to get run over by him either. Any suggestions out there? What should I do?

Tessa,<P>Sometimes people will just believe what they want to believe.<P>Scenario: Father sexually abuses children. Children tell mother. Mother argues w/ father, apparently straightens the whole thing out. Everything is forgotten and unmentionable. Father again starts the abuse. Tries to drug youngest child. Child leaves home. Mother again forgives and forgets. Father starts having sex with the help of drugs for impotence with grandaughters. Sister blows whistle. Father goes to jail. Mother waiting for his release. <P>Do you think that she will ever just walk away from him? I don't think so.<P>Taking into account your mother's dependent seeming nature, he may be threatening you that he is going to leave your mother because he knows you will not want her abandoned. In keeping you afraid of what would happen to your mother if he leaves, he can also control you so that you don't tell her the truth: Again because you don't want to hurt her.<P>I think anyone that survived that first marriage is tough enough to survive anything you may have to tell her about the oversexed jerk that he appears to be.<P>The biggest problem you will deal with is convincing her that you are telling the truth. Stage the event like an intervention. Have your brothers and sil there to back you up.<P>My sister wouldn't believe that her first h tried to flash our younger sister until I told her that he did the same to me, too.<P>Your mom ever contact a support group for abused women? Sometimes that is more successful at changing behaviors and recognizing abuse than counselling. Either way, she should talk to someone.<P>Anyway, I don't know if I'm making sense, I'm tired. So I'll submit this and see what you say.<P>H

sorry...double post<p>[This message has been edited by tessa (edited August 27, 2000).]

H,<BR>You're are so right about him trying to control me. He has went to each of my siblings and tried to cause some conflict to develop. He did this after I confronted him on three seperate occasions about his sexual advances. He felt threatened and so he tried to throw up a few walls between us. It didn't work...I will not run from a conflict and he does. My brothers, mother, sister, and father will but I will not. <P>Due to the traumatic events my mother has endured she lives in some kind of state of mind that blocks out the past and if the present isn't pleasant she will block out as much as possible. Her defense system I suppose. Right now this directly involves her so she can't hide from it. She tried to with xanax and I talked her into getting on anti-depressants instead. Only thing they gave her anti-anxiety drugs which I'm not comfortable with yet. <P>I wonder if abuse is ever too complicated to understand. I know that she and I have had so many in-debth conversations about understanding my father's abuse to her as well as my sister's abuse towards her and for a brief moment I know she understood. Then the next time I see her it's like nothing ever transpired. She returns to the habits of total submissiveness and allows whomever to walk over her. The thing with my father and sister is they are so persuasive in their abuse. They are two of the cruelist people I have ever met in my life and yet people especially my mother will allow their continued existence and abuse in their life. <P>My point was I don't think she could ever understand things and get a real grip for understanding what happened to her...it's just so complex and she shuts down and doesn't seem to retain anything. Does anyone know anybody that has similiar habits?<P>Thanks tessa