I would like to get some feedback on how and when one should introduce a date to the children. My girls are 3 and 6. <P>I haven't yet because I have read and heard that kids shouldn't meet anyone unless you are seriously involved with that person. I also do not think my oldest child would be ready for this. My 3 year old would probably be ok. One of the reasons given, is that the children can become easily attached to this new person (if they don't hate him first) and if it doesn't work out, they have to deal with the loss of yet another person in their lives. Of course, they haven't lost their Dad but I think you know what I mean.<P>And, what small child wants to see their Mom with someone other than Dad. My daughter still wants us back together. For those who don't know my story, my divorce was final in May so that is not a possibility. <P>On the flip side, I have some people telling me that before I get too serious with someone, I should have him meet the children so I can see how he relates to them. But how accurate can that test be given the circumstances? And, is that fair to the children or him?<P>My first priority is my children. I want to do what is best for them. Unfortunately, I will not be able to give them back Mom and Dad. So, what should I do? I have some books on the subject and how to talk to the children about dating. But, I still don't know if I am ready to go down this road with them. I'm not even "suppose" to be dating so soon. So, maybe I just answered my one question. But, I still would like to get some feedback on this. <P>Thanks!

HI,<P>I read yoour post and i know exactly where you are coming from.<BR>I have a daughter myself, who is six.<BR>I think that is woinderful that you thought of your children's needs too. But in it all do not forget your own.<P>People have opinions....but that is all they are. They are guessinbg just like you, and even if you do have a friend in this situation. They are different than you and so are their children.<P>I guess all i am saying is that you WILL kow when the time is right.<BR>Hell i had a guy that i have been seeing casually, mention "when i met your daughter....."<P>Just recently my daughter told me mom i think it would be nice if you got a boyfriend now and he was nice to us.<P>My daughter came to me out of the blue and stated that.<P>I don't cover up for her dad. He is pretty absent in her life showing up once a month and playing "good time daddy"<P>She has also been exposed to his new girlfriend and her 2 children (8 months ago.) But that made her even angrier at him. So i never took any of my dates too seriously and told them that i wasn't completely comfortable yet. Those that walked weren't worth my time and those that lingered and a better chance today.<P>You'll just know and good luck.

Hi girlfriend,<P>Well, it sounds like a mixed message, but every expert out there, has a different opinion on this as well as people who have kids as opposed to those who don't.<P>Each divorce, each set of kids, each new relationship is all different .<P>I can tell you somethings I went thru. The person I was seeing last, had kids the same age as you. We waited a few months, and planned it, that I met as a friend. Kids are smart and tend to wonder but the kids were fine. I introduced mine to him a little earlier.<P>My girls have been in counseling since day one of this mess and they understand that mommy is not married anymore and will date again. <P>Personally, I don't introduce just anyone to my girls. But if I'm seeing someone and its moving along OK, than, I want to see how he'll be with the kids. I actually left someone because I didn't think he was good enough around my kids.<P>Now the recent situation I'm in, he met them right in the very beginning, as a friend because he is a brother of a very good friend of mine, so the kids didn't suspect a thing, for about 2 days. <P>Kids are a lot smarter than people think and will accept a lot if you raise them to except things in a healthy way.<P>To this day, I have never bad mouthed my ex or his OW in front of them, and it has had a tremendous affect on how they accepted OW. Deep down, I wanted them to hate her, but in reality it would have only hurt them in the long run.<P>I would suggest, if they know nothing, to introduce him as a friend. Do something casual that will only last 2 hours for the first few meetings. Something geered towards the children. <P>As things go further with the new boyfriend, and the kids tend to accept him, you can just eventually figure this out better from there. Don't be surprised, that the kids don't ask you WHY you don't date him. It happens.<P>Hugs, Dana<BR>

*I* wouldn't introduce my date to ANY family until it's pretty serious. Sisters and brothers first, then kids, then parents. I didn't introduce my daughter to my STBX (second marriage) until we were engaged. In fact, she never met anyone I dated except him. Why? It *is* hard for them to see us with someone other than dad, and it is harder still if there are a parade of possibilities. Why turn their world upside down? If they do get attached, then the relationship breaks up, then it happens again, and again, that is tough.<P>I see the logic in knowing how the date fits in with the family, but unless he is a keeper, is it even an issue?

My kids are teens....and I did not introduce them to anyone but my current friend. Of course, mine are gone a lot, and I could have people over to pick me up and they weren't around. The age of the kids is really important, I believe. <BR>It is ok for Mom and Dad to have FRIENDS, but make sure to keep it that way unless you know it is serious. And, it is ok for them to know that life goes on as well. But I would keep it on a friendly basis in front of the kids until you are serious. <P>------------------<BR>Susan

I would be very careful with introducing new men to your kids. I am a Therapist and I have seen kids respond very poorly when still another man disappears.<P>Also any man who doesn't understand the need to not be involved with your kids I would dump immediately!<P>Have fun with him when the kids are gone to dads but other wise keep him away!<P>Just my opinion!

I'm not sure what the best answer is. <P>My x is getting married in Oct. so my children are not strangers to the idea of a dating parent. <P>This summer I have been dating someone, at last. My children and I went someplace, at my current interest's invitation, and they met. But the story was simply that he was my friend. (9 yr. old daughter looked at me that evening and said something about him and cocked her eyes at me as if she knew there was more going on than I was letting on.) A month later, I invited him over for an indoor cookout (we use the fireplace for that occaisionally no matter the season) and they got along well. Later, d was talking to x's parents on phone and mentioned that mom's friend came over. His name could belong to a person of either gender so I don't know what if any questions that raised. (Just this moment realized that x's name could also belong to a person of either gender.)<P>Have I told them I'm dating? Yes. Anyone specific? No. Would I if asked? Couldn't lie. Would I bring them together again? Had it planned but things fell through. Would prefer to leave it as friends where they are concerned. <P>The truth about dating is that you don't keep the first one you go out with. I understand the idea behind not introducing them to anyone you aren't serious about. But if you do that, how do you know how well everyone works in the mix? How do they learn the first girl/boyfriend doesn't have to be a lifelong choice? Maybe it's ok to see you with someone else as long as you aren't drooling on each other.<P>Personally, my x is verbally and emotionally abusive to me even in front of the children and despite the fact he left us 5 yrs. ago. My son has never seen a man treat me with respect and affection. I don't see the advantages in depriving him of someone who could model respectful behavior toward me. He models his father's inappropriate behavior. I know where my son's behavior comes from and I don't like it. His therapist is thrilled that I am dating and feels that, if kept lowkey, it would be good for my child to see me in a personal relationship with a man who knows how to treat me. I think s in confused because his dad treats his w-to-be one way (I hope) and me another. Therapist agrees so our plans are to slowly bring them together. But it pretty much needs to be a hands-off, friends thing at first. Then we can add the issue of dating him.

Thanks everyone. Great advice. But, it has brought up another question for me. Many have suggested that I introduce him as a friend vs. a date. Do you think a 6yr old child really understands the difference?

How do you treat a date? How do you treat a friend? <P>When my children met the man I am dating were were at a Christian coffee house for a writer's night sort of thing. We sat at a square table. Me in middle. Child on either side. He came over later and took seat opposite me. Left his chair pulled out and and at an angle a little. We didn't touch, hold hands, kiss. Left it very platonic. That's how I would treat a male friend. <P>If you're at a park, there's room between you on the bench. <P>No groping. No face sucking. You know? How do you act around a male friend? Can you do that around him?

I think I need to clarify my question. <P>My children have never seen me alone with another man in any context, be it as a friend or a date. So, I'm wondering how they know the difference. I would think my daughter would think any man that she meets would be considered a "date". So, are you saying that as long as there are no displays of physical affection with this man, she will be ok with this? I certainly would not show any affection in front of the children. <P>I'm not sure I am making any sense. I think I just need to read some more on this and then sit down and talk to her about men, friends and dating so she will understand the difference. <P>Thanks for trying to help me with this.