Hello.<P>I, of course, don't know you or your story, other than what you posted in response to SoTired2000. If you don't want to offer any insight, I will more than understand, but it also sounds as if your present situation is very similar to my wive's. If you are up to it or interested, I would like you to read some of my posts and offer any coments as to what she may or may not be going through. I realize that everyone is different, but if you left because of depression and or hopelessness in your life, you may have some promising words as to what she's thinking or feeling. Yes, I may be grasping for any words of encouragement, but anything helps.<P>One difference is that I have not or am not interested in seeing anyone else, and am willing to be very patient. I have started to act completely different around her, and am not pushing the issue in the least. We have been somewhat dating, and talking several times a week.<P>I guess that my primary question, would be whether or not you could ever allow yourself to trust your husband again, and allow your emotions for him to surface. I have often wondered if given her past, she is more capable than other women to completely smother and diregard any emotions for me, as this is what she's done for 30 years and she has learned to "control" her negative feelings. I'm sure that she has many negative feelings of distrust and hurt associated with me, and may throw me into the same locked vault of emotions, never to be opened again.<P>Thank you for any consideration and god Bless.<P>My Posts: <BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/000793.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/000793.html</A> <BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/000798.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/000798.html</A> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/000808.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/000808.html</A> <BR>My Replies: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/000804.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/000804.html</A> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/000788.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/000788.html</A> <p>[This message has been edited by Still Praying (edited August 27, 2000).]

this message wasn't meant for me but i found it intriguing. How are things for you two today? Depression is a very serious thing and it truly can devaste. My friends mother was a manic depressive which basically means she was depressed all the time. Has she ever been diagnosed? You also say that she is 9 years older so does this put her in a mid-life crisis by chance? Looking forward to hearing from you.

looking ahead,<BR>Thanks for your concern.<P>Although we are still separated and there are no guarantees in life, things appear to be getting better daily/and or weekly for us. I have a tendency to expect too much too soon from her, as we'll have a great time together and if I don't hear those special "I want to come home" words, I get very down, but I don't think that I'm depressed.<P>She has never been clinically diagnosed, and according to her her abuse as a child has nothing to do with how she is today. I learned more about her Saturday night when we were out. Early in our marriage she told me that something "bad" had happened to her as a child but didn't want to talk about it. 2 weeks after she left, she eluded to the fact that it had happened more than once. Saturday, 2 days ago, she told me that it went on from the the age of 5 to the age of 12. What I once thought was an isolated incident or maybe a years worth turns out to be 7 years. I am still crushed by what she told me but I have to deal with it away from her. If she sees that it bothers me, she may stop talking.<P>Last fall, when this whole thing started, she did turn 40, which if not a mid-life crisis, it certainly didn't help.<P>I decided some time ago that I will be as patient as I need to be in order to rebuild her trust in me. I told her that Saturday night, and also that I am different than anyone she has ever known in life, including her parents, I care for her for who she is, and I will never leave her in her time of need.<P>ThornedRose told me once that my wife is quite possibly testing my commitment to her as she doesn't feel that she deserves to be loved. She's actually told me twice in the last week that she isn't meant to be happy in this life.<P>So I just wait and take it day by day. The fact that she's communicating is a good sign. She's telling me things that she may not have ever told anyone before. There are actually quite a few signs that we are becoming closer, I could probably fill this entire page with them if not more.<P>Thanks again for your inquiry.<P><BR>------------------<BR>I am in this situation for a very good reason, it just took time to get over my own self-pity and understand why.<p>[This message has been edited by Still Praying (edited October 02, 2000).]

Your a beautiful person!<BR>Really you brought me to tears.

I should apoligize i didn't see this post.<BR>Just from a couple of the things that i read.. i think your doing the right thing. I can appreciate how hard it is for you. Patience just isn't an easy thing.<P>I'm hoping that i can help threw telling you short bleep in my situation.<BR>Rick and i met back in 1990. I bought my car from him. He now owns a successful lot. I got pregnant with our daughter in 1992 and gave birth in 1993. To me or should i say for me this is when problems started. I feel as though i know why but relating it to him really isn't that easy. We married in 1995 and Filed for divorce in 1999. I cheated on him at the end of it all. It had virtually nothing to do with him. Believe me that takes a lot to say. <BR>Everyday i wish i could express myself to him more effectively but i find it extremely hard because i feel like he's too busy interjecting or doesn't seem to be paying attention. I would actually stop mid sentence and he would come to me and say "you didn't finish" So that only reenforced my belief that i wasn't important enough. There's serveral other situations but i guess i take the blame he tells me it's all my fault that i ruined ours and that i lie. <BR>My advice to you if your still looking is being there for her is so great on your part. Letting her now that your available and you listen and think about her feelings before you speak is better than great.<BR>There are so many things i would change if i could but i can not. I thought i had been patiant enough waiting for him to notice me and the things i did. I consider myself to be creative and i like being patted on the back. I expected things from him and never communicated those thoughts. I don't know how he feels, these days i think he already gave up and just forgot to tell me.<P>I think what your doing is wonderful. Your patience will be rewarded. <BR>Also i have experience working with children who were abused....YES it most diffently affects the person you are today. It affects the way you feel, think and react. The hardest part is admitting you went threw it and then realizing the connection to behaviors today. It's a very tragic and mentally abusive thing she went threw. Depending on who the person is that did this changes her beliefs and morals and trust. I study abuse for 3 years and it is very tragic and life altering. Behaviors start to exist and it takes therapy and love to change them.<P>Be there for her.<BR>Good luck!

how are things going?

I guess i wanted to say after rereading your orginal post.<BR>It isn't a matter of me trusting my husband again. It is a matter of me trusting myself to "give myself to him". Trust is so hard. For myself, i was in an abusive situation as a child and i find it VERY difficult to open up. <BR>My self and i am just learning, but i expected him to save me from all the hurt and stand up for me. The truth is that those manifestations coupled with his (unknowingly to him) overlooking or not responding to me created a roller coaster effect. Even now i find it difficult to express myself because i'm afraid he'll reject me. I'm afraid if i share myself completely he won't love what he sees.<BR>I give him lots of praise these days because i see his patience for me now and a lot of the stuff he has figured out on his own. So i am grateful that he seems to know when to ask the right questions and when not to.<BR>A recent event in our lives brought up old feelings from my childhood and i feel myself "curling up" into a ball. But i feel so grateful because when i look around he is still standing there.<P>So even though it is hard with some of the things you stated it takes a very strong man to be there when getting pushed away and to show compassion and understanding.<BR>I'm VERY thankful my husband is here for me today.

rtn2,<P>Thanks for responding again.<P>I guess what troubles me the most is being there for her when we don't live together and knowing how to rebuild her trust again. We have recently had some very deep conversations about her feelings, which I see as a positive. She still feels that she doesn't need me, that she is too independent, and would be better off alone in life.<P>I recently tried to convince her that trying is a win-win situation for her, as if it works, she wins, but if it doesn't thaen the only thing that she'll lose is her apartment, and she still wins. She did comment that she could lose her sanity.<P>Here is a post of mine from another forum, it may add some additional detail to what we've been doing together.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.weiner-davis.com/ubb/Forum9/HTML/000384.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.weiner-davis.com/ubb/Forum9/HTML/000384.html</A>