<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> She always needs something new to make her happy for a short time. She<BR>has a borderline eating disorder. She is never happy with herself or her body. She doesn't accept compliments well. She has a tendency to give too much of herself until she's burned out. She is very independent, she tries not to rely on me for much or let herself be vulnerable. These are subconscious effects of her trauma, and it was almost 30 years ago. No-one realizes that she is this way, everyone sees her as always being<BR>happy.<BR>I've learned that with her negative view with men, the ways in which I have let her down in the past have never left her, even if they were somewhat insignificant. Men have let her down in life, she sees me as doing the same. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>If your S does not get help, and does not want to help herself, then you will never be able to satisfy her. She will continue to be exactly like that, and you won't be able to change her, only she can do that.<P>Right, she has variations of BPD, similar to my STBX, who recently told our d that she has the same mental illness as her mom, the distorted body image, bulemia, etc. These people just think that there is nothing they can do, or it gets them something they need, attention, or sympathy. Can't give up those props for self happiness, when you can manipulate others.<P>I'm sorry for your situation, but in reality, there is little you can do, but to either convince her she needs lots of counseling, or find a reasonable mate.<P>MY PRIMARY REASON for that statement is that the genetics will get passed along to your kids, if you don't have them already, and why pollute your genes with someone who will pass them on to you. This may not be all environmental as they have you believe.<P>think abou this, i knew about these issues before geting married, but thought i could fix them. NOT POSSIBLE, and all of a sudden from submission i guess, it all came back so strongly, that STBX was overwhelmed with her problems, and associates me with them.<P>thl<BR>

I think that you have a very valid point, and one well taken.<P>I would assume that you have read some of my other posts, and know how her life has been for her, and no, I don't think that any of us have had a perfect childhood.<P>As for the genetics, I have recently started having deep discussions with one of her daughters and the problems in her life. I noticed yesterday that her daughter has a very similar personality with regards to self image, depression, and ironically her fiance is very similar to my wife's first husband. I don't know if the relationship similarity is because of genetics or what she saw as a marriage role model as a child.<P>As for my wife, I never understood much about her depression until recently. I was shocked when I took an educated look at all of the changes in our life over the years, and at all of her traits that seem to fit. Hindsight is always 20/20, but had I known and urged treatment before our separation, she be at a better place in life right now. She doesn't think that she has a problem, as she feels that the past is the past. Of course, right now, she is not very receptive to any suggestion on my part for therapy, so I have all but dropped it.<P>My only hope, for both of us, is to get our marriage back on track and eventually convince her to at least see someone. Regardless of how much impact that does or doesn't have on our separation, therapy isn't my primary hurdle right now.<P>She eventually has to make herself happy in life. If we get back together, don't seek therapy, and I spend the rest of my life trying to make her happy, then I'll be the one that loses.

You got it right!<P>my STBX has had bulemia for 20 years, and never really attended therapy to get over it. <BR>it is more BPD is many ways for her, and she does not believe in counseling, and I had to force the issue at mediation for the kids to start. She doesn't see anyofit, and with mental illness, very seldom can you, it is you.<P>It is more genetic than we think, and it is very difficult to overcome the longer it goes. My STBX is looking at replacing me for her happiness, and replacing me with a narcissitic personal trainer to replace one<BR>OCD with another. <P>Hear me? she literally starts shaking and twitching when I talk about it. And she thinks that I can just take the kids away from her if I pressed the Mental illness issue through the courts.<P>It would consume alot of money, and may cost her her job, etc. (she is the head of the committee to evaluate eating disorders at her school; i guess she gets to use her experience for something? even though it is hypocritical)<P>I see the BPD in our daughter, and that pisses me off to no end, in that I knew about the bulemia, but I didn't know about the BPD, which never shows to the outside, but only to the family, trusted relatives who "can't" leave. and yet she hated the way she treated the ids this spring, and is just one <BR>overall mental mess.<P>I chose the D route as she expected me to become like her father, emasculated, effeminate, insecure servant to his wife. Sorry, i take my role for educating the kids about life skills seriously, and I want to be the most well person I can be.<P>I do not want them to grow up to make the same mistakes I did, or my parents made with me. <P>so just my support as I am dealing with so many potential reasons for STBX space shot, that I firmly believe they need help we can't give them, and until they do, we are only torturing ourselves.<P>thl

WhenIfindthetime,<P>if you were familiar with what he has said<BR>about his wife in other posts you'd kwno it's not BPD..it's from past sexual abuse trauma<BR>and THERE IS A DIFFERENCE!! BPD requires<BR>medication to control and yes it is heritary..BUT the past abuse is what she isn't wanting to face and deal with..she has not reached the point of understand that her<BR>PAST does effect her Present where the abuse<BR>is concerned..because it's deals with the<BR>core beliefs she holds about herself..<BR>And her symptoms are very common among those<BR>who have been sexually abused..I know<BR>because I lived it for years. But, I know that it effected my present and how I think<BR>about everything..including myself..and I am<BR>in counseling yet again because of it..I dealt with minor issues before..and now I am<BR>working on the core issues..and I am having to relearn everything I ever thought about myself..and how I look at others in my life..<BR>How they have treated me how I expected them to treat me..and what I expect now that I am changing..because I expect a HECK of a lot better treatment now than I have in the past..because I know my life has value, where before I felt worthless as a person. I am a lot stronger now than I was 8 months ago..even than I was 2 months ago, and I know<BR>that I still have somethings to work on but<BR>I am getting there..and I refuse to let my husband or anyone else manipulate me or <BR>talk down to me again..or allow them to make<BR>me feel guilty for something I didn't do..when they are very capable of doing it<BR>themselves..especially when they don't ask me to do it..they just expect me to because I always have..<P>Don't get me wrong, I don't mind doing for<BR>others but I am just refusing to walk that<BR>extra mile anymore when they decide to sit on there butts and don't walk it with me..<BR>because my feelings are just as important as theirs..not more important..but just as important..and for me to be able to sit here<BR>and say that..I can see where I am getting<BR>stronger..some may call me a B*tch...but I <BR>am tired of being a doormat to the men who have been in my life..<P>Stillpraying..pray that God will allow her<BR>to see the truth so that she may be set free..until she can see where she's at..things will be harder for her..like I had<BR>said before..get the book The Wounded Heart..<BR>and read it..and pray about it..and maybe mail her a copy of it..she may not see where she "needs to read it" but if she does what <BR>I did..cause I felt I "didn't need it" when <BR>someone mailed it to me..I would pick it up<BR>read a paragraph or two say hmmmmm...and put it down..and go back a few days later read a little more..say hmmmm..and put it down..It took me two months to read the book..but I did..and I am reading it a second time now..<BR>and seeing things I didn't see the first time..I've made major strides in healing since November of last year..some of that<BR>was w/ out counseling..but I nearly had a breakdown and was forced into counseling because of the emotional wreck I was in because of the healing process..I was on<BR>anti-depressants because of it..but I took<BR>myself off of them because I feel much better<BR>and not nearly as depressed as I was..<P>I'll continue to pray for you and I'll pray for your wife also..that God will be able to<BR>touch her heart and begin healing her heart.<P>And I read your other post..and I think you did great w/ the lunch date!!! Right now that<BR>is what she needs..just be patient..and be there for her..keep your word so she can build that trust..if something comes up and<BR>you can't make it..call her and be honest..and reschedule for another time..<BR>and no that as long as you stay there and offer her your support..and allow her to talk<BR>to you about things she's going through..you should be okay...don't pressure her about working on the marriage if she's not ready..<BR>allow her to start to trust the little things<BR>first..(wish my husband was more supportive)<P>