Hi all, I know I haven't posted here for a while, but I have felt the need to back off some. I felt like I was staying on this site too much. But I have a quick question if you guys don't mind ansering for me. Have any of you experienced excessive anger regarding public attitudes about adultery? I am talking about TV shows mainly. There seems to be this overwhelming belief that you should follow your heart, especially where "true love" is concerned. These shows never seem to reveal the shattered lives of the people left behind. And I have had people sort of "excuse" adulterous behavior because you "can't help who you love". This just infuriates me! I get so mad I just about can't deal with it. I am so angry at these laise faire attitudes. What has happened to people? Am I the only one who experiences this anger over these attitudes? Is this normal? I am finding myself being very unforgiving about adultery lately. When I find out someone has had an affair I just can't be around that person anymore. They make me physically ill. I am not normally a judgemental person, but I am really having a very hard time with this. It's all I can do sometimes not to give my (unwanted) opinion about the decisions this person has made. I just want to scream at them. It really worries me, because I have never been an overly angry or belligerant person, but I seem to be unable to control this anger. It is just overwhelming. Does it ever get better??? And I find myself crying tears of frustration when adultery is the topic of a TV show, too. Am I crazy????<BR> <P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Keridwen,<P>I absolutely feel the anger. I obsess and rant about all those Jerry Springer type talk shows - they almost are always on some kind of sick adultery. I can't even have them on in the room. I won't let my kids watch them for a second. I hate that they still make money.<P>It makes me ill that it is accepted on all the mainstream TV shows. I hate these articles I read, I refuse to look at Cosmopolitan anymore, I actually saw an article about the "fun and intrigue of an affair". I absolutely hate that the OW role has been glamorized by the media, that there is something exciting and wonderful about sneaking around and hurting people, in search of true love and the perfect orgasm. I hate that our young women are being victimized by it. How someone as pathetic as Monica Lewinski, is referred to as an accomplice to an affair, when she was nothing more than a device to provide service to a sick man.<P>I absolutely hate to see sex cheapened the way it has been. how marriage is nothing. Its everywhere.<P>So, yep, I get as upset as you by it - I am hoping by the time my boys are older, that the amoral attitude that nothing is wrong changes. I figure the best way to combat it is not to live that way.<P>But, here I am, optimistic as ever. I used to get alot of flack for listening to Dr. Laura. And I'm not alone there, people who have never heard it will make fun of you for listening - but try it sometime - it makes you feel better, hearing her pounding some sense of morality and right and wrong into people, and it is nice to see that her books are bestsellers. Nice to see books like "standing for something" do well, that there is a plethora of reading material about character counting, and the baby boomers looking for something better in life are going back to church, and that there are men seeking second careers as priests, and that there does seem to be a trend toward decency again.<P>Like the pendulum has starting the swing back to the middle. I really think it has.

I feel the same way, our whole society has a throw away mentality. If it breaks buy a new one don't try and fix it.<P>We do the same thing with marriages! We all make mistakes but we made the decision!

Yes, yes, yes! Since my wife and I began having problems over a year ago, I have become sickened by today's media. And keep in mind I am only 29 years old. Wasn't too long ago that I was in college attending the bar scene, having fun - careless and free. But I can't tell you how disgusted I am watching TV portray affairs and divorce like there is nothing wrong with either.<P>It is hard to believe anyone at their "word" anymore. And marriage? Well if you are like my wife right now, if you're not happy with your marriage, get rid of it and get a new one. YOU NEED to be happy always! What a crock of SH#$ ! <P>And talk to my parent's generation - they are speechless. They can't understand what is going on. I have aunts and uncles married for 50 years - 50 YEARS!<P>I think we all need to wake up and take responsiblity for ourselves. Stop being selfish and grow-up.<P>(((You pressed the wrong button with me))))<BR>:>

Keridwen,<BR>Even if you can't see it, there are plenty of people out there who feel the same way as you. It doesn't seem like it, because what is on TV, in magazines, etc. is in our face so much more. <P>I have mixed feelings about this though. Is there a place for people like me? People who cheated, who tried to save their marriages, who feel bad about what happened? You know, Dr. Laura cheated on her first husband. Although I agree with alot of things she says, I don't see alot of room for mercy or forgivness there. This is one of the main reasons I'm not dating. I just can't bear to have one more person compare me to (apparently) remorseless people like Clinton or those on Jerry Springer. <P>You said you couldn't be around someone who you knew had an affair. That would be me, and maybe a small handful of others like me. I do understand why you say that, and in many ways, I completely understand. I have a friend, whom I'm starting to distance myself from, who I found out is having an ongoing affair with a married man. I've tried on a number of occasions to spark whatever conscience she has left, but to no avail. I cut myself off from a woman who cheated on both of her husbands, never confessed, and divorced both of them without even really telling them why or going to counseling. Both of their situations made me ill, not just because of the cheating, but because of their absolute unwillingness to take responsibility or sacrifice a day of good "stuff" to get what they want. <P>I don't want to pull away from your main question, though. Overall, I see our society moving away from issues of personal responsibility. Drugs, alcohol, generational poverty (i.e. welfare), sex, infidelity. It is all the same to me. So many people want to blame others for their problems and just don't want to do the long term work on themselves. <p>[This message has been edited by TheStudent (edited August 28, 2000).]

Honey.west - it helps to know I'm not the only one who feels completely misunderstood. It's as if people just don't get how devastating affairs are to the people who deal with them. Us "betrayeds" end up looking like we're just clingy and can't "move on". That's not what it's about at all. My stbx even told me that my feelings of love for him were sick and clingy and unhealthy. He basically threw them back in my face because I'm "too needy" for him. What did I get married for if I can't count on my H and "need" him? I'm completely baffled by his attitude.<P>Hurting...My H decided it would be too difficult to try and repair the damage done to our relationship by his affair. So he bailed. Yep, it was broke, so he threw it out and got a new one. Problem is...the new one is beginning to break down as well. <P>SoTired...you don't have to apologize to me. I feel the same way. People get the idea that happiness should be a perpetual state. Well, life just isn't like that. Yes, we get bored - but part of marriage is identifying these problems and WORKING THROUGH THEM. Not abandoning one marriage to find another one hoping it will be "perfect and perpetually happy". That's impossible. But try telling that to adulterers. They use any excuse to justify their behavior now-a-days. It's absolutely pathetic. My anger is so large it frightens me sometimes. I am just trying to deal with it. <P>TheStudent - you and I have talked before. You know, realizing you made a mistake and then taking steps to fix it I can deal with. I think the people who truly infuriate me are the ones who refuse to see the pain they've caused and who continue to lie to themselves and everyone else. My stbx feels absolutely no remorse. He figures "it just didn't work out", but fails to realize that he never really tried once the affair was discovered. He would have had to make an EFFORT. It's hard for me to be forgiving right now towards betrayers. I guess it's just another stage I have to go through. I appreciate your honesty and candor about your feelings. I know I sound like I'm some judgemental harda$$, but I'm really not. I've just been hurt so badly it's easy to take it out on all betrayers. <P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Keridwen,<BR>One of the reasons I don't hang out with the two women I mentioned, is because they keep telling me "Don't beat yourself up. It just didn't work out". I think guilt is good at a certain level. It helps keep me on the straight and narrow. When I cut myself off from the one friend I told her I felt like I was an alcoholic, and that I didn't need to be hanging out with unreformed alcoholics at the bar. Coming here is like my AA.<P>I've had alot of anger toward some betrayed who have initiated divorce though. I have just as much of a problem with betrayed who skip out the minute they find out as I do with betrayers who skip out. No matter who decides to leave, if they haven't bent way over backwards to save their marriage, if they haven't taken the time to consider their part in the problems and done something to solve them, then I'm a little suspicious. It is all about responsibility to me. Anyway, that is what has helped me with my anger. <P>I know you (and alot of others here) have worked very hard to save their marriages. I don't get the "too needy" thing either. When I hear that, it is more like they don't want to feel guilty for someone else's reactions to their sh*tty behavior.

Keri,<P>Hi, nice to see you again, and hope you are doing ok.<P>Funny you should ask this question today. I was away this weekend with my "friend". We were watching a Chris Rock comedy special. He was joking about women needing to take care of a man so he won't stray, he was talking about Hillary screwing up and Bill Clinton getting the raw end of the deal, not that I followed that whole saga, cuz at that time, affairs and all meant not as much to me. <P>But I did get quite PISSED at the attitude and I know its simply me not being healed yet. I know myself I am down when I feel lately like, ok, I've been cheated on, why the heck should I be faithful, maybe I should cheat since my perception is maybe the guy will just cheat eventually again too.<P>That is wrong. There is something wrong if I get thinking that way. But there certainly are a lot of shows that don't portray the truth to this. Lifetime, on the other hand, that channel portrays it very well. Its too hard for me to watch, but at least its honest.<P>I am bothered that I have 3 daughters and what kind of marriage, faith and commitment will they have to look forward to when society as a whole, can make so many jokes of such a serious situation. <P>Of course, I'm in a down spot right now, so my comment is probably not helping you any.<P>Dont be a stranger around here, hugs, Dana<BR>

TheStudent...Yes, I did try to work on my marriage, but it's almost impossible to do it alone. I am still in therapy dealing with my end of our problems. I know I am not blameless. It takes two to make a marriage work. I am also still dealing with the hurt, shame, anger, embarrassment, rejection, betrayal, etc. from all this too. There is so much to deal with. I keep telling myself that someday I will come out of all this a stronger person who knows herself and is in touch with her emotions. I know that sounds like pop-psych...but I have to believe this is all happening for a reason. And just maybe that reason is to make me a better person. To ALWAYS consider other's feelings before making a choice. There is a part of me that will always love my stbx, but my respect for him is gone. My admiration of him is gone. The person I knew him to be is gone. He has become someone totally foreign to me. He has completely changed who he is and what he believes. It's incredible. I just don't know him anymore. But I am slowly accepting this and moving on. One day at a time, I guess. My therapist seems to think this angry stage is progress. It's definitely better than being depressed. I do know one thing - I will NEVER get married again. I am now unwilling to commit myself to someone who can walk away without the slightest warning. I will never bend myself around someone elses life again. In that we are in agreement. Thanks for all your comments. They really help me sort this stuff out.<P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com