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{{{TRAPPED MOM}}}<P>When I first came here,my name was lonely mom. I must say that your post struck me hard today. If you read the post I have up today, I am struggling with an ex who wants to come back after cheating twice, and I don't want it. Reading your post makes me feel confident I am making the right decision because I don't feel my ex is capable of changing.<P>Welcome to the board and I hope you meet new friends and find peace here. I am not in a position to offer you advice for the fact that I am one who has given up on the marriage.<P>But the Harley's plan is great and you can Plan A and maybe you and H can together try to figure this out. I think there is a recovery board you might find some help on since those are couples already dealing with what you might, most of us here are divorced, or almost divorced and not actively saving the marriage any longer.<P>However, I hope you'll find the answers you are seeking.<P>Affairs, addictions, its all powerful stuff, I've been down that road twice, I can't do it again. I thank God I'm not trapped, but let me tell you, there are women here who were trapped, one who has managed to pull her life together and turn it around and believe me she did it and its always possible any woman can do it.<P>I am sending your post to her, hopefully she's around to reply.<P>Hugs and prayers, Dana<BR>

.<p>[This message has been edited by Trapped Mom (edited March 21, 2001).]

You are taking me back somewhere I've been also. Mine was willing to admit he was the bad guy back then, but now he's spiteful and treats me as tho I'm the one who was sleeping around! He's trying to punish me for his deeds. Things never stay the same for long, he'll likely get nasty later.<P>I say don't sell the house! He can't sell it without your signature. In my state, it's real common for an at-home mom to have the house maintained by the H until the youngest is 18 (then it has to be sold and split). That doesn't mean I won't have to go find a job - but there will likely be alimony for a while so I can get my act together, then after I go back to work I think he'll have to only maintain half (I think, altho I'm going to go for the whole enchilada). So, I think I'll at least have a couple more years here, and then when I'm working again, it'll depend on how great a job I can get whether or not I can afford to stay it this house.<P>Don't give up. I know the fear of being alone raising kids when you've been a homemaker. For a little time there, I had met someone I thought could be my "Knight" but also realized that is ludicrous right now. I decided that if I'm going to have to go to work and put my children in -choke- daycare, then I'm gonna get myself the biggest &$#! job making the biggest money I can get my hands on! MY CHILDREN WILL HAVE A GOOD LIFE, with or without their dad.<P>Put your trust in God as much as you can to take care of it - whichever way it goes. He truly will give you what you need (and that may be a better husband in the future who will actually respects you!) and it is a great comfort knowing the one who made everything that exists is also handling this for you. Also, it helps to have a good support base, people to talk to (even in the middle of the night) and you especially need people who tell you how great you are and how great you will be able to do by yourself. My dad was that person, thank God for him.<P>Take care of yourself.<P>------------------<BR><BR>Kathy

I agree here..don't sell the house!! If he wants to leave fine..but you will need a place for you and your kids. Don't know how<BR>long you've been married..but in some states<BR>if you are a stay home mom then you can possibly get temporary alimony to assist you<BR>till you find a job that you can live..or even to help w/ educational expenses so that<BR>you can gain employment..<P>I am now looking into educational assistance<BR>for mom's returning to work, because of divorce Haven't found alot yet..but I hear<BR>it's out there somewhere!! I guess the college I'm at doesn't offer a lot in this area..but I am going to see about how to get it implemented..since they are like 5 minutes from my house as opposed to 45 minutes away..<BR>Not sure what all I'll have to do but if it will help just one other women who is going through what I am..I'll try..

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Welcome <B>Trapped Mom</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>I too would suggest a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>...even for a short time.<BR>...and later a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>.<P>I would suggest you check out if you've gotten good advice from your attorney...<BR>...by checking out other "good" attorneys...<BR>If you need to <B>protect</B> yourself legally (and/or financially)...<B>and it sounds like you do...</B> I usually make the recommendation of finding a <B>good</B> attorney. A good place to start off is at the <A HREF="http://lawyers.martindale.com/marhub/form/by.html" TARGET=_blank>Martindale-Hubbell Lawyer Search</A> site. Do a search within your county... look for only "family law" specialists(>80% in divorce/custody/etc.)... make sure they do a lot of "family law committee work"... if they know the judges all the better... You can normally find a few that will give initial counseling free of charge.<BR><A HREF="http://www.uslaw.com" TARGET=_blank>USLaw.com</A> (an alternative search site)<P>"As far as putting my trust in God..."...<BR>you may want to check out some of the <BR><B>Inspirational Messages:</B> and...<BR><B>Inspirational Stories/Songs/Poems/Faith:</B> sections of my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000013.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A> post...<P>It is in times when you feel most abandoned...<BR>...that faith is waiting in the wings...<BR>...openned armed. <P> <P>Jim

I STILL say don't sell the house. I have only lived in mine for one year now also (he moved me to another state on top of it!!). I didn't have enough time in this house with him for it to be "ours", so I feel perfectly fine making it "mine". The bad memories were from him, not the house. The house right now is only a house and has only been a house since we got here. I look forward to transforming it into Home. As for the debts, let him have those too! Mine deceived me into getting a second mortgage against the house to pay off our credit cards. Now if the house sells, there goes half the equity! He's a snake. So I have a lawyer who is going to make sure he continues to pay the debts and provides a place for his children to live. Besides, now with the equity half gone, it will cost MORE for me to go out and rent or buy again than it would for me to stay here. An at-home mom just doesn't have that kinda money, unless I want to put my 2 kids and 2 dogs into a trailer and go on welfare (altho he'd probably think that was just fine).<P>Don't let him get away scott-free. He's trying to make his life for him and the OW as easy, trouble-free, and beautiful as possible, on the backs of his children, if you ask me (but who asked me anyway!). You have to excuse me, as I've told others, I'm from the southside of Chicago where we don't take cr** from anyone, and I did for too long and aint no more.<P>Take care.<P>------------------<BR><BR>Kathy

Trapped Mom,<P>You are definately not trapped! I was in a physically abusive marriage for 10 years and I was trapped. My stbx is an alcoholic and didn't work a lot of the time. He also wouldn't let me work. How did he stop me? He made life miserable for me if I mentioned getting a job. <P>We have now been separated for 8 months and are on our way to divorce. I got a job in May, got promoted in June and bought a car, by myself, in August. I am also raising 3 boys. My H sees them once and month and pays child support. That is the extent of his help. My parents are the ones who babysit for me. <P>I, like you, was so afraid of being on my own. I went from my parents to my stbx and didn't know how to make it alone. I found out that I'm a lot stronger than I thought. And so are you.<P>If you honestly do not want the marriage, you will be ok on your own. It's rough at first, but life has a funny way of working itself out. <P>Keep your house as long as you can. I was lucky. My stbx is signing his share over to me. He doesn't want the house, the car or any contents. He just wants his personal belongings. And I'm not gonna be generous...that's all he's getting. <P>You are a lot stronger than what you think!!<P>(((((HUGS)))))<BR>Mitzi <P>

TM ~<P>First off, {{{{{{<B>HUGS</B>}}}}}}} I've been in the exact place that you are in now. Kinda sad, huh? That there are so many of us out here......<B>but</B>it is also inspiring to know that we can make it out of the pits. I never realized what a strong person I am.....how many friends I have.....and that I am <B>worthy</B> of respect. I think TM stands for Totally Magnificent!!!!!! That's what you are, and don't let anyone tell you different!!<P>My <B>r</B>stbx had an ongoing affair for the past five years.....same old, same old. He would leave and move back (over and over again) and I let it continue because I loved him and wanted to stay married.....it took such a toll. He would not continue w/counseling after I found out (again)that he was still communicating with OW. Seems to me that he never really wanted to bring back our relationship because he was too busy cultivating one with OW It takes longer for some of us to get mad than it takes for others. At least I know that I gave it my all and don't have to have regrets in that way.<P>Even though the school year is started, perhaps there is something else within the school district where you could find employment. It doesn't hurt to put in an application <B>now</B>, even if they don't call you for anything right away. What about subbing? Also, check into what kinds of help the district can offer regarding reduced lunch fees, scholarship $ for outside activities, counseling for your kids......the school district where I am has all of these. $$ for outside activities is not really through the district but there are usually some kind of helpline facilities that they can hook you up with. (I know, I didn't want to accept - <<gasp>> - charity either....well, you do what you must to make it easier on the kids.)<P>So, here's that old cliche again, <B>It does get easier over time.</B> The pain is still there for me....especially since tomorrow will be the divorce....but it recedes a little bit everyday that I don't have to see him or talk with him.<P>Don't forget......you are <B>Totally Magnificent!!!!!</B><P><B>{{{{{{{MEGA HUGS}}}}}}}</B><P>Claire <BR>

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TM ~<P>Today is D day......approx. 3:45 PST, that's what? 8 hours & counting? tick-tock, tick-tock....I am <B>not</B> looking forward to it. It seems like the end of a lifetime (which, I guess it is). Then it's time to work on a new one......it can only get better.<P>The decision was <B>finally</B> made because I had to bail him out of jail for getting into a "confrontation" with OW's "new" boyfriend (if you call someone you are caught naked with at midnight a boyfriend). H walked into this person's house - they said he wasn't invited in (H's story is different, but who knows?) - then the "new" boyfriend started beating on him with a piece of rebar. After <B>I</B> bailed him out, literally this time, he <B>had</B> to go talk with OW......that was the final straw. Then, he was mad at me because I had to wake up my older son to tell him where I had to go and why. I thought the truth better than just being vague, but of course stbx didn't want them to know - and it was my fault that they now think of him as 'some kind of criminal' (those were stbx's words).<BR><<<<sigh>>>><P>TM - I am really scared. I guess that's part of what held me in the relationship for so long. You know in your head that you deserve better, but it's hard to let go of what you know. I do know that I will be okay financially. The first time he moved out I applied for my first job in 10 years - that was really scary too, but I did it and it has worked out really well. I've advanced pretty rapidly in the past four years and I am proud of myself. You can do it too......<P>I still Love the person that I married....but he's not there anymore. The pain isn't gone, but it's fading. I need to let him go now, and let him continue to make his stupid mistakes, but now it won't involve me. I'll just be a person looking at his situation from the outside and shake my head in wonder at his stupidity.<P>Everyone's threshold is different. If you feel that you want to Plan A, then do it. I just can't anymore. I'm doing much, much better by only speaking with him in a business-like manner. It's as if we are only in business together in the raising of our two children....no hugs, no kisses, no touching between us - because that's too hard for me. I long for it, but it would just end up hurting me more in the long run (at least I've learned that much).<P>Each day is a new beginning.

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