Using Jim's advice, I re-wrote a huge list of negatives into a brief overview of the basics, and now that I look back, this actually says the same things, but in a diiferent way.<P>So, could this still be used against me in a divorce?<P>Should I give it to her? If so, should I drop it off, mail it, deliver it in person, or read it to her in person?<P>After reading it, I really don't know what this is supposed to accomplish. I don't know if it's structured to get her input, to show that I've changed, to say that I'm sorry, or all of the above.<P>Not knowing makes me somewhat hesistant to give it to her in the wrong way or at the wrong time. Try to look at it through my situation: She moved out 2 months ago, and doesn't know if she's still in love with me, although her comments then were that she didn't think that I still loved or cared about her.<BR>****************************************<P>*****,<P>As part of my self-realization and self-therapy in order to try and better myself as a person, I have asked the Lord to help me examine myself and understand the fundamental ways in which I have been a failure. This includes the ways that I have failed you, your children, our marriage, and society. I feel that you are more familiar with my shortcomings than anyone else, and would appreciate your input and assistance in helping me to understand myself. Please review this at your convenience, feel free to write any comments or add anything to it, and return it to me if necessary.<P>I have always lived my life as a selfish and self-centered person. <BR>I was always more concerned with what I would receive from any given situation, or how it might negatively affect me. This seems to be one of my most important character flaws, as it influences so many different aspects of my life. I often led others to believe that they were infringing on my life. That what I had to give wasn’t really for them, and includes everything from my emotions to my material possessions. It’s important for me to use the word “my”, as I never perceived anything as “ours”, and realizing this is an important part of my understanding of the problem. I know now that everything was ours, and theirs for the asking. This also had an enormous impact on your feelings for me. Not only was I selfish towards you, but my selfishness towards others is inexcusable. My perception of life prevented the full giving of myself to you or to others, and caused me to take things for granted. It kept me from seeking out the ways that I could be a better husband to you and a better stepparent to your children. I have been humbled by the knowledge that the world does not only revolve around my wants and desires.<P>I have been judgmental of others.<BR>Often in life, people have a tendency to get caught up with finding fault in other’s thoughts and actions, and I too have been guilty of this. I’ve learned that it’s all to easy to pass judgment when all of the facts are not known, and that one must try and understand the situation from all different angles before condemning a decision. I’ve also learned how naturally easy it is to subconsciously focus on a specific fault in others, when I in fact possess the same flaw. I now understand that is unreasonable of me to criticize others when I myself am so far from being perfect.<P>I never learned to love.<BR>Love is an interesting word. It seems as though our society uses this word freely, for all types of situations and for all kinds of descriptions. “I love this, I love that, I love it when this happens, I love to do that,” or “don’t you love it when…?” To me, instead of “love”, words such as “enjoy” or “appreciate” now seem to fit better. I’ve learned that to love is to give freely of myself to others, unconditionally and without judgment. To not only think of my own needs, but to try and give what would be the most beneficial for others and their happiness in any situation. Love is an attitude expressed through appropriate behavior with care and compassion. My own selfishness and judgmental behavior have prevented me from fully understanding or giving the gift of love.<P>I never showed my love or appreciation for you.<BR>To understand the definition of love is only part of the equation. What good is it to know what love means, if you aren’t able to use it to fulfill other’s lives? Through my lack of giving, I never expressed my true feelings of love or appreciation for you. Without understanding how to provide freely of myself, I never took the time to discover what steps I might take in order to ultimately make you feel more loved and cherished. I thought only of myself, what I needed, and left your emotions unfulfilled. Not only was I unable to show my appreciation for your loving and unselfish actions towards others, I also never wholly conveyed all of the ways for which I loved you. I never affirmed your principles or beliefs. I never complimented you on your kind and loving ways, your eagerness to give completely of yourself, and on your morals and family values. I never discussed my intimate feelings of love for who you are as a person, and although I often complimented your outward physical appearance, I never expressed my feelings of love for who you are on the inside and why I love you.<P>I have spent a tremendous amount of time reflecting on my life and my past failures, and how I can make life more enjoyable for those around me. I have asked the Lord to forgive me for my actions and to offer guidance and wisdom in my life.<P>I pray that someday you will be able to find it in your heart to forgive me.<BR>I am truly sorry.<P>****<P><p>[This message has been edited by Still Praying (edited August 30, 2000).]

Footnotes from the author:<P>I specifically took out almost every reference to her children. The way that I have treated them is a very large part of our problems, and I didn't want her to think that I was dwelling on them in order to get her back. Instead, she needs to understand that the way in which I used to view life affected the way that I treated everyone, not just her children, and that I wasn't specifically targeting them. Of course, for good reason, she took the most offense to their feelings.

I think that if I am to give it to her, I need to do it in person as I can be there and handle any emotional response, good or bad.<P>I would hate for her to touched by it, and not be able to immediately express my love to her.<P>Or for her to take it the wrong way, and not be able to explain it.

.<p>[This message has been edited by Still Praying (edited August 30, 2000).]

IMHO...it sounds really good...but I wouldn't<BR>give her it in a letter..I would ask to see her and read it to her yourself..that way she can hear your feelings as you share them w/ her, and allow yourself to share that intimate side of yourself w/ her...

I agree with ThornedRose. Read it to her and then take it with you.

My goodness...<P>But I agree, read it to her, instead. Who knows the response.<P>That was a heartfelt expression of true remorse, and change, that will melt the heart of a woman wanting to forgive you and work on the marriage.<P>Good luck.

SoTired2000,<P>Thanx. You're still looking out for my best "legal" interest. <P>thornedRose and Honey.west,<P>I will try to read it to her this weekend, if I feel that the timing is right. That thought, reading it aloud, in itself is making me nervous. I have been reading it aloud to get a feel for the tempo, and my dog just gives me the strangest looks. Hey, I know, maybe I could teach him to whine after certain key phrases? Maybe that would add some impact!<P>Problem is that I've given her 11 different things in 2 months, and most of them have talked about what I thought the problem was, and to some extent all talked about how I felt. The last one, 2 weeks ago, she didn't want to read in front of me. I will assume that since they have always made her cry, she doesn't like to show her emotions in front of me, (you know, the one's she doesn't have?). That's why I'm afraid to mention that I have something that I've written and would like to show her.<P>I just have to pray for the right time and pray that the Lord will soften her heart for me.<BR>

Still Praying,<P>Sorry for getting back so late...<P>I still feel...<BR>...and yes I am always too critical...<BR>...so take what I say with the thought that<BR>...Jim is thinking of the "general"... <BR>...<B>not</B> your specific situation.<P><BR>...I still feel...<BR>...your revision is still lacking <B><I>balance</I></B>...<P>For every negative...<BR>...have a positive.<P>The letter, I assume is to be a love letter.<BR>(ala Plan B style... without the "no contact")<P>In a real love letter...<BR>...I would want the "mate" to be strong...<BR>...be bold<BR>...be kind<BR>...a knight in shining armor type<P>...remorse (is OK in limited quantity)<BR>...sorrow (is also OK... but tempered)<BR>...sensitivity... always OK!<P>Specifically mention the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> you've learned to meet!<OL TYPE=1><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3305_aff.html" TARGET=_blank>Affection</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3310_sex.html" TARGET=_blank>Sexual Fulfillment</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3315_conv.html" TARGET=_blank>Conversation</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3320_rec.html" TARGET=_blank>Recreational Companionship</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3325_hon.html" TARGET=_blank>Honesty and Openness</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3330_att.html" TARGET=_blank>An Attractive Spouse</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3335_fin.html" TARGET=_blank>Financial Support</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3340_dom.html" TARGET=_blank>Domestic Support</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3345_fam.html" TARGET=_blank>Family Commitment</A><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_ad.html" TARGET=_blank>Admiration</A></OL><P>Specifically mention the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A> you've learned to avoid!<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3401_angry.html" TARGET=_blank>angry outbursts</A>,<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3402_disrespect.html" TARGET=_blank>disrespectful judgments</A>, <BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3404_selfish.html" TARGET=_blank>selfish demands</A>, <BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3403_annoy.html" TARGET=_blank>annoying behavior</A> <BR>and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3405_dishonesty.html" TARGET=_blank>dishonesty</A><P>If you haven't been honest...<BR>...how you intend to be more...<P>If you didn't spend enough time...<BR>...how you've changed your life to make more available... and what you would do.<P>If you forced decisions on her...<BR>...how you've learned the step of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>It is OK to apologize...<BR>It is OK to ask the Lord for help...<P>But do so with a "better" you ("better for her")...<BR>...NO BS...<P>In all cases...<BR>...don't give it to her.<P>Read it... <P> <P>Jim

Jim,<P>I value your critical but also very correct points. Now I see that balance issue more than before. Do you just have an old one laying around that you could give me? <P>I must say that I value everyone's input on this, and I hope that no-one finds it boring. I feel that with the way our conversations have been going lately, that a nearly perfect letter could be very beneficial. I have reason to believe that this whole situation may have more to do with her perceived lack of feelings and commitment from me than with whether or not she still loves me. (thanks thornedrose)<P>Quick examples:<BR>When she left, she told me that she didn't think that I loved or cared about her and that the marriage wasn't going past this point.<P>Several weeks later, she told me that she decided the marriage was over in mid-April. I had half-heartedly asked what was lacking in the marriage, and she said that a little romance would be nice. She watched for 2 weeks and I did nothing. Man, what I would do to have those weeks back! My point being that most women wouldn't ask for romance if they had no feelings, rather give an "everything's fine" response.<P>So this has taken on a very important meaning to me, as I need to convey everything that I've pick up in my 2 months of "schooling" as well as explain my emotions and feelings to her.<P>