He has agreed to joint counseling, but I am certain it is only because he sees how devestated I am over this whole thing.<p>This is something I want and feel would help, but that assumes that he wants it to work, too. He doesn't know what he wants.<p>He says he loves me, so I believe we have something on which to build. Is that going to be enough? Or am I dragging him on a meaningless exercise that will only cause more resentment?<p>Advice anyone?

Patient,<br>I think that since he admits he "loves you", and agrees to joint counseling, you have a lot going for you.<br>My wife could not admit she loved me until the other day (for over 4 months). And even now, she says she needs to be sure, before she goes headfirst back in.<br>She also refuses joint counseling. She is afraid of what might come out.<br>My only advice is to make sure you get a good counselor. I have read of counselors that are more interested in keeping the "individuals' happy, than saving the marriage. Find one that knows you can be happin "in" your marriage. <br>Good luck.

I echo Bill in that you need to find a good counsellor.<br>I myself am regularly seeing 4 different counsellors (all specializing in different types of marriage counselling techniques and specialties)<br>I also go online to seek advice and read books on how to make a better marriage.<p>The best thing to do is GO!!! Nuff said!<p>My wife and I have had so many problems in the past, most of which we blamed on each other. We saw a cycle that was going no where VERY fast and no way to stop it. Every time we would come up with an idea of how we can help ourselves, it would always backfire and we would be at each others throats again.<br>Does this sound familiar to you?<br> <br>It has only been recently that we have both found out answers to lot of our questions and why we both act the way we do. Over the past 2 weeks we have found love with each other again and are excited about applying what we have learned. <p>You could try going to counselling seperatley at first if you think it may make either of you more comfortable. but ultimatley it would be best for both of you to go together since you can have neutral ground for your discussions and an outside opinion (an umpire if you will) which will give you faster, more reliable results.<br> <br>I can tell you that even though I regularly see counsellors, (My wife has only been to 1 counselling session but she has also been reading some books and coming to this site) the knowledge we have gained has been enough to give us the tools we need to rebuild our marriage.<br>Without counselling, we would still be fighting. This I am sure of.<p>DON'T GIVE UP YOUR MARRIAGE!!!<br>It is not worth it unless there is some kind of extenuating curcumstances like abuse going on.<br>Think of it this way, Would you spend a million dollars on a house, and if it needed some repairs, just to give it away and buy another one? You would loose the money you have already spent and will have to spend more money on a new house with new problems (not to mention the money you will spend house hunting).<br>It's not worth it, Just go to a counsellor and get the blueprints on the house you have now so you can make the repairs it needs and make it a good home to live in.<p>Boy, I'm on a roll here, better quit while I am ahead .<p>Mark

Patient,<p>GO!!! If he agrees go. Mark says it well so I'm not gonna say much else. If he says he loves you and is willing to try that is half the battle. My prayers are with you. <p>Steph

I would only add one more thing to what Bill and Steph have said ... Read the pages on this site about how to choose a counselor, or even consider using the telephone counseling from Marriage Builders. Also, they are trying to compile a list of counselors who use Dr. Harley's books and/or techniques in counseling, so you might send email to office@marriagebuilders.com and ask if they know of anyone in your area using these concepts in their practice.<p>Make sure that both you and your H are comfortable with your counselor - if not, try another one. It is imperative that you both feel comfortable, or you won't be able to share with the counselor completely.<p>Hope this helps! Good luck and God Bless!<p>terri

Bill - thank you. I got seven names from our insurance (we are fortunate that ours covers this) and found that two are clinical members of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. According to what I've read, they are supposed to diagnose and treat within the context of marriage and family. I spoke with one the other evening and plan to set an appointment tomorrow. I know the psychologist he's been seeing (I've taken my son to him lots of times). I really like they guy, but I know that he's going to work only with him as an individual without consideration to our family as a whole. I hope your wife comes around; whatever comes out of counseling could only be a good thing because she'll have the opportunity to deal with it. Good luck and thanks again.<p>Mark - We are each seeing psychologists separately. As far as reading, I am finishing up "Divorce Busting" and bought "How to Get Your Lover Back" over the weekend. I visit here often, too. We never fought; arguments between us have always been rare. We never communicated to begin with and that's probably the basis for all our problems. We had some trouble about ten years ago and he gave me a self-help book. I never read it because I erroneously thought we had gotten over whatever problems we were having - I don't even really know what they were then; we never talked about it. The difference now is that we ARE communicating, and our difficulties (whatever they really are) seem to be more problematic than before. There are no extenuating circumstances and I'm not giving up on us; my fear is that he is giving up. Good luck with your wife.<p>Steph - your prayers are welcome and I can't tell you how much I appreciate them. Sometimes I think that's all I have is a prayer. Thank you. I hope I will be able to positively attest to the power of prayer.<p>Terri - I've read your posts and the time you took to respond means so much. Thank you. I e-mailed the office but have not heard back yet. With the holiday that's not suprising. I think I have settled on a counselor and I hope that my husband is comfortable with him. You wouldn't believe the difficulty I had finding a male one! My husband seems to have no difficulty talking with women (yes, that was meant to be sarcastic), but I don't think our purposes will be served seeing a female counselor.<p>[This message has been edited by Patient (edited 11-30-98).]