I am 24. My husband is 36. I guess I feel he stopped loving me--there is no attraction--he doesn't look at me when I'm naked. When we have sex--there is no touching-kissing. It's almost like a chore to him--<br>He never talks to me about anything--his life-my life-anything--<br>I was abused as a child--i think sometimes that he is normal and that I am missing these things because I need them so much--<br>I don't know whether it's even worth saving now--<br>I think he is seeing someone else-I go to school at night and often times when I get home he is not there or he has just gotten home--<br>I don't want to waste my life loving someone who does not love me--<br>He does the gift thing too--but sometimes I just want him to show me some affection--<br>

Bevbrown,<p>Have you told him how you feel? I know it's hard sometimes to come right out and tell them what is going on in your head but things can't get better unless he knows. I think everyone here knows that communications is the key. Does he know that there is a problem?<p>Steph

Steph--I have talked to him extensively--He says he loves me and gets mad that I suggest otherwise--<br>I have often thought about following him at some point--but I have always been too afraid of what I'd find--<br>He gets angry at me for the smallest things--I often think it's his way of making himself feel justified for cheating--you know--make a problem so that you don't feel as guilty.

Bevbrown,<p>It is a fine line between thinking that they are cheating and knowing that they are. There are cases where one has accused only to find out that it was their own jealousy causing the problems. To accuse falsly can be very damaging. There are other cases where one has denied an affair and the other trust them only to find that their instinct was correct. I don't know what to tell you to do. I know some would tell you to trust your instinct and follow him or have him followed because where there is smoke there is fire. I am more of the trust kind. If he says that he loves you and tells you point blank that he is not having an affair then I would trust that. Many have found that in becoming extremely giving the other spouse has come around. When we find ourselves lacking a need we tend to pull away causing further problems. I'm not saying that you are the cause of the problems but sometimes the way we react to certain situations can become the problem more so than the situation. I'm a believer in the fix yourself before you try to fix others. Find things in your life that will make you happy. Find things that you can do for him that will make him happy. Find ways to spend more quality time together. Read how Bruce and Chance and others here are as giving, without expecting anything in return, as they can be. Also I would try to get him to go to counseling. If he won't go then go for yourself. Read what Dr. Harley has to say about how one person can save a marriage. Most importantly make sure that when you tell him you are unhappy that he knows you still love him and think he is a good person. We all have room for improvement and we must be open to change. Good Luck. <p>Steph

Bev,<p>I just wanted to let you know that it sounds like you are blaming yourself for something that isn't your fault - or your "problem". I don't think it's too much of you to want your husband to look at you when you're naked, or to desire being touched and kissed while making love. (In fact, I try to avoid looking at my wife too much when she's naked because I think she's too self-concious about her body. I love to look at her naked, I like her body!) As for needing to be kissed and touched, that's normal. (It is a problem for men to show affection this way sometimes.)<p> If you think he's seeing someone else, you may want to follow him, or look for other "evidence" (phone calls, e-mail, etc.) or you may NOT want to.<p> I think it would be beneficial for both of you to read Harley's "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Give & Take". You obviously have needs that aren't being met, and he may as well. You haven't said much about the rest of your interactions (communications, arguments, etc.) but there may be some other factors here. <p> It's hard to sit down with someone you care for and tell them how you're feeling at times, but to keep things running, you have to do it. Tell him what you need from him in a completely honest way without being acusatory. Be specific.<p> I hate to think that your H is fooling around on you, but I guess you must consider the possibility. Personally, It's hard for me to understand a man not wanting to make love o his wife, but it seems like I hear an awful lot of it here. (I have the opposite problem. I need my wife to be more passionate with me.)<p>Good luck, and don't give up!<p>Val (The Husband)<br>Val_vv@Yahoo.com

BevB<br>Sorry to hear of your situation. I cringe at the fact my relationship is basically a "roommate" kinda thing. At least that's what it feels like even though we sleep together. I opened my big trap and asked one morning "well it's been about 3 weeks since we made love (if you actually classify it, casual sex - in my opinion) do we even have a sex life anymore?" She said, "After that smartass remark, not anymore! It's been about 2 months now & never went past a week usually but never more than 2 weeks. She doesn't even touch me anymore.<p>Whenever I try to talk to her about our current status, she'd get very pissed and start blowing evrything way out of proportion and end up screaming at me. She knows how I hate it when she does that. I hate screaming & yelling.<p>Instead of going through all that, I just go about my daily business as if everything is A-OK. I try to only show a positive attitude and smile from when I wake up in the morning until everyone is asleep. Then I can sit in the dark think, cry, veg or whatever, regroup then try to sleep and have the energy to make it through another day.<p>She has noticed that I've been consistent with giving and expecting nothing in return. I didn't even get a card on our 9th anniversary this past Saturday. I said nothing about it even though I got her a card & very nice necklace, which is going back.<p>She still won't fill out the love busters questionaire. When she said she would, she just numbered the busters 1-5 & didn't answer the questions before the ranking - which she didn't do correctly anyway.<p>Sometimes there are rays of hope that keep me going, but mostly I feel USED. I do all the cooking cleaning (I'm a Mr.Mom - full time student) laundry, you know... the works. I get no smiles no hugs no kisses no conversation - nothing! I heard her say this evening to her girlfriend, "you know I always spoil you." talking about cooking and deserts. She then looked at me & I mouthed to her SPOIL ME! I die seeing her do that to that particular friend. She is a high maintenence friend that finds an interest the W has and works it until the W is getting bored & finds something else. Today her friend started trouble in an office of the company the W works at. She also used the W's name. NOT GOOD. This 44 yo has body piercings all over - 4 in her face not to mention anywhere else. This isn't the type of person the W's bosses care to associate with & I doubt it isn't a good thing especially when the W worked very hard to be where she's at.<p>The only thing thatI have to work with is giving. That's it. She won't get into it, so I gotta work to get her to that point. Like I said, I feel as if I'm just being used - a convienent thing ya know? It's hard to stay motivated, but ya gotta do what ya gotta do. Gain as much knowledge as you can. Learn more about yourself with that information and until he's willing to talk give all you can. I hope my miserable rambling gives you something to help! good luck<br>chance