Question to all:<P>I do not want a divorce at all. I am 29 yrs old, my wife is 27. Separated for 6 months. My reasons for not wanting a divorce fall into 3 categories: First and most important, I still love my wife and believe the problems we had/have are very curable. Second, I try to be a person of strong conviction - I told my wife "for better and for worse" and I meant it then as I do now. I am not afraid of the work it will take to fix us, nor would I ever desert her. I am one of the few people in this world that still believe in marriage and commitment. And finally having such a strong belief in God, I know that this is not what he wants. He brought us together in love, we BOTH messed that up along the way, but I know he wants us to honor our vows to each other and to him. There is no physical threat of violence, nor any abuse (physical, emotional, etc...), my wife is just "not happy" and doesn't think she is "in love" anymore - "the grass looks greener.."<P>There are forces outside of my control here - her father is an attorney and VERY controlling of his children. He is directing her every step of the way.<P>Yesterday I received a letter from her attorney going through what he believes would be a fair equitable split - which includes selling the house I spent so much "blood, sweat and tears" getting it to where it is today. And while there are no children, I do have a dog (my buddy). I have my own business which is fairly new and does not generate much income. I know that if I am forced to sell the house, I will not qualify for another loan and I enjoy living in a house so much, plus finding an apartment that takes dogs (big dogs - He is a Siberian Husky) would not be easy at all.<P>Sorry for going on! My question is, "when do I NEED to get an attorney?" I met for a consultation with one months ago and he said that if I did not want to participate in the divorce, I do not have to at all. All I would need to do is wait for my wife to "file" and then let her draw up what she wants. If I agree to it fine, if not tell her what I want changed and let her go back to her lawyer to get it done. He also said that any equity split would occur on the date the divorce is final.<P>I have little money as it is, and legal fees scare me to death. But, I do know that counsel is important. But by me doing nothing for now, am I harming myself?

My view is that you should never consent to any agreement without legal counsel. There are just too many hidden landmines that can be written into divorce agreements, and her lawyer is NOT operating on the basis of obtaining a fair outcome. Her lawyer is working on HER behalf at all times. Never forget that.<P>Bystander<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Bystander (edited August 31, 2000).]

Bystander is right. She's kind of holding most the cards right now -- but not all. If I were you I wouldn't agree to anything just yet. Drag your feet some, just do it nicely with no LBs. You can go to an attorney for consult only and pay their hourly rate rather than retain them as your attorney to complete the divorce -- which costs a lot more. That way you can get some legal advice without it costing you an arm and a leg. Even then, I would wait until you feel like you NEED to -- only you will know that. Just be careful and don't wait too long that things happen without your approval. If a petition has been filed, be sure to file a response within the given time period for your state so things don't happen "by default."<P>I'm sort of in the same situation though my H has not hired an attorney that I know of -- nor will he unless he absolutely *HAS* to! He is attempting to complete the papers himself, file them and get me served -- without my help. We'll see how long THAT takes! lol <P>He thinks we can settle all this without our having to use attorneys. For the time being, I have no intention of going through an attorney. Once this does get in front of a judge, it may further postpone matters if we can't agree, or he feels like we need to have attorneys. The bottom line for me is that it may drag out the process, giving me more time to Plan A -- as long as I can carry it off without any LBs. It will be hard, but I'm learning.<P>Best of luck to you,<BR>KristyAnn

Thanks for your input. You are both right, and I know that if things keep progressing I will NEED an attorney - I would never sign anything without getting counsel.<P>I just don't want to make it easy for her to coast through this (its been that way her whole life). I want her to realize ALL that she is giving up and that marriage is not something to be tossed out when it is not "working" for you at the present moment. The lawyer I did consult with called this a "late twentieth century divorce". No offense ladies, but my attorney said that my wife is a beautiful young woman, and they are usually given all they want by men and their father. They get accustomed to having things easy and as soon as "life" steps in to cause problems their first inclination is to run.<P>I will keep you informed of how things go.<P>Sent her an email (we have been communicating pretty well via email) asking her to really think this all through. Told her I loved her, always have and always will. Told her that the ball is in fact "in her court", that I am not trying to "guilt" her into staying. Rather just want her to realize that yes we are young, and there is no reason to rush through all this. Especially if there is a possibility (however small it might be) that we can work things out.<P>With God all things are possible.

SoTired2000...<P>If you need to <B>protect</B> yourself legally (and/or financially)... I usually make the recommendation of finding a <B>good</B> attorney. A good place to start off is at the <A HREF="http://lawyers.martindale.com/marhub/form/by.html" TARGET=_blank>Martindale-Hubbell Lawyer Search</A> site. Do a search within your county... look for only "family law" specialists(>80% in divorce/custody/etc.)... make sure they do a lot of "family law committee work"... if they know the judges all the better... You can normally find a few that will give initial counseling free of charge.<BR><A HREF="http://www.uslaw.com" TARGET=_blank>USLaw.com</A> (an alternative search site)<P><B>When is the right time</B>?...<BR>...that's a tough one...<BR>...so much depends on what state your in.<P>Prayers...<P> <P>Jim

KristyAnn, if I were YOU...I'd get an attorney..I know you don't think he can do anything on his own...but HE can..and if he files..and you have kids..YOU will be messing <BR>up big time..and won't get ANYTHING you deserve..I know here as far as child support goes they determine that on the family income..and how much each spouse makes..number of children..and it doesn't matter what you decide on..I had an attorney tell me..that most "wives" want to end the marriage as amicable as possible..so they will be willing to give up so many things they deserve...1/2 retirement benefits..<BR>1/2 the 401k, the house..alimony..all because they want to "keep the peace" for the sake of the children...so don't be blinded by your love for him..if he is going to file..he can..and he can get more than you and you won't be able to fight back when it's final!!<P>The house..she could get..unless your willing to buy her out of the equity in the house..<BR>as far as your business she could get that too..if her dad is watching out for her interests..and has one of his lawyers working on it..you can bet they are going to take you for what they are can..I know a friend of mine here..who spend almost $50,000 on his divorce..he was trying to get custody of his kids..he now pays his x $5000.00 a month in child support, plus alimony..profits from his business..she got the house oh yeah and he had to pay her lawyers fee's..everything..(I want her lawyer, if things go the way it is appearing)Sooooooo...take that as you will<BR>each state is different...

Dear Rose,<P>Thanks for your concern. I feel that I do have things under control as far as that is concerned. He has not yet filed, and, yes, I know that he can -- and probably will. It hasn't happened yet but, legally, I have to be served with the papers once he files. There is no legal foundation otherwise. So, once I am served, I have every intention of responding to his petition. I can do that without an attorney since it usually simply addresses grounds for the bringing of the petition. I used to be a paralegal for a divorce attorney and I know how to prepare legal pleadings. The property settlement comes later. If I need an attorney for that, I will get one. I don't plan on falling down and playing dead if my H pushes this to the end. I have already formulated in my mind, if it gets to that point, what I'm going to ask for as far as settlement is concerned. I'm simply dragging my feet -- drawing out the process. But, believe me, I *am* on my toes with this. <P>I talked to Steve for the first time today, and his counsel was similar to exactly what I'm doing. Don't let the process run over me, but drag it out as judiciously as possible without turning it into an LB.<P>Again, thanks for your comments. I have taken them to heart.<P>Love and prayers,<BR>KristyAnn