My husband beat up my 3 year old son pretty bad a few weeks ago. I did talk to him about it and he has still continued to let his anger get out of control with us.Just a couple of weeks ago he spit on me in the eye because I was trying to get him to discuss something with me. <br>He is in the marine corp. We are stationed in Okinawa, Japan. I went to a counceling group here on the island because I am ready to leave him. I was concerned for my safety. I gave them the journal I have kept over the past four years which documents the abuse to prove that I needed help leaving for safety reasons. There is a restraining order against him and now they are charging him with mental and physical spousal and child abuse. I feel so incredibly guilty However I am still ready to leave. I do not honestly feel like he would ever hurt my son again. yet, I dont beleive he can change his beliefs enough to ever stop mentally abusing us both. My problem is this guilt I am feeling. Is it normal? I cant stay! <br>Now he is calling and begging, promising me the world. Since we are in a foriegn country, I have to wait for the govt. to give me permission to leave and it could be up to 30 days before they do. I can't help the way I feel. All I want to do is start my life over and hes telling me I'm not being fair. <p>[This message has been edited by laurie Parker (edited 11-28-98).]<p>[This message has been edited by laurie Parker (edited 11-28-98).]<p>[This message has been edited by laurie Parker (edited 12-01-98).]

Laurie, from what I have read, the guilt you feel is perfectly normal. In many (most?) cases, it keeps an abused partner from leaving at all!<p>You are doing the right thing. Your husband's anger and abuse are NOT your fault - it is within him and he is the only one that can stop it. If he beat up a three year old, he is completely out of control and you cannot trust him not to ever do it again - that is your "normality" thinking, but his anger and abuse are not normal and will not conform to normal patterns. Talking will not do it, yelling will not do it...<p>You need to protect your child and yourself. Yes, being in the military has its own category of stresses, but nothing excuses physical abuse! You are right to leave, and you are right to have turned him in. He needs help - help that you cannot give him and that professionals can.<p>Laurie - you and your child are going to be okay as long as you stick to your plan to leave. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your son.<p>terri

Laurie, I just want to ditto what terri said and add another measure of support. Women that stay in abusive situations usually end up not like the frog in boiling water, who jumps out cuz he knows its bad. But like the frog that is placed in cool water. When the heat is turned up gradually he will not even notice the danger untill it is too late to jump, his legs are cooked!! Get out and stay out.<p>You deffinately have a responsibility to your son to protect. Unfortunately your husband is failing in his job to protect you.<p>Abuse is not your fault, it is almost never ever the victim's fault. It is a desire on the abusers part to control. There is no room for control of one another in a marriage relationship. I have been there, done that.

Laurie--<p>Six years ago I was engaged to a man that was so jealous of my 3 months old baby girl that he through things at her, hit her and cursed at her. Of course he was doing that and much more to me. I thought that the more love I showed him, the more he would want to change. NOT SO!!!!<p>The last straw came when he was beating me up and my daughter (a year and a half by then) jumped in between us in an effort to help her Mommy. When the dust "settled" my beauty had a black eye. She was so nervous and upset whenever he came home. I looked at that little girl and decided that his love was not the kind of love that we needed or deserved. I didn't want my beauty growing up to believe that she has to hit or be hit to be loved.<p>You and your son deserve better. Much, much better. Love does not leave bruises or black eyes. Love does not cause broken bones. I'm now married and I don't remember hearing the preacher saying in the marriage vows that thou husband shall thrash the wife whenever he sees fit. We are commanded to love and cherish, not curse and abuse. <p><p><p>

There is an excellent book When Men Batter Women by Jacobsen and Gottman. isbn # 0-684-81447-1<br>It is quite disturbing but offers insights that i had never read before. It discusses the liklihood of rehab in specific incidences. You absolutely must think of your childs safety. There is no room for error here. Of course you feel guilty, but life comes first. Keep your priorities straight, remind yourself constantly until it becomes second nature.I managed by continually repeating that I would protect my child from anyone or anything that tried to attack, and invisioned what I would do if a polar bear broke in. Go ahead; grieve and cry, but stay safe.

Laurie,<p>I'm truly sorry to hear about your situation. Any man that would beat up a three year old has a DEFINITE problem.<br>You have nothing to feel guilty about. Perhaps in the future you both can repair the relationship PROVIDED HE GETS HELP. But I don't see how you can stay in a situation like that, for your sake and your child's.