Hey Everyone!<P>Just a Q.<P>Why is it so important for him(stbx)to have to be such great friends?<P>I think that he is using the kids to a certain degree to keep the "us" as friends.<P>He has them this weekend and it is like getting the kids to ask "Mommy" to come along.UGH<P>All in all it doesn't really bother me.I do love him,always will.I do like being in his company .......but I just feel as tho,he is getting a part of me that he wants.(that is the friendship)and I am getting nothing.<BR>(just reminds me every time how he has rejected me,lets be "buds",w/out the sexual feelings.)<P>I don't know if it really is that good for the kids? Does it not send mix signals....(they will always wish for us to get back together,that is just natural.)<P>I don't know what it really does for them.<P>They asked me to go to the Movies w/them and I told them that I couldn't.<P>So why do I now feel guilty for not going???<P>Gina<P>------------------<BR>"If we deny love that is given to us,if we refuse to give love because we fear pain or loss,then our lives will be empty,our loss greater!"-----Anonymous----<p>[This message has been edited by w.g.up.h (edited September 04, 2000).]

Ooh, Gina -<P>I am soooo there right now. My Xs favorite thing to say right now is that we <B>are</B> still their Mom & Dad. Yes - but now we are also separate from that 'community.'<P>X wanted me to split the cost a Bday present w/him for younger son. I said no. You get him whatever you want to get him and I will buy him a present from me. It might not be as expensive, but it will be from me and not 'us.' Mixed message, as you say, if we did. At least that's how I see it.<P>I tend to feel guilt over this as well, but I'm not going to let it overtake what I feel is my better judgement. I don't need to feel any more guilty that I do already, whether it is warranted or not.

Claire,<P>Thanks! <P>Most of the time it is ok......but lately it has started to bother me again.<P>I do get upset tho that the fact that "daddy" does all of the fun stuff,and the kids have a blast while I am busting my but 24/7 of all the daily grind!<P>Man I need this vacation coming up!! <P>Tomorrow is a new day!<BR>(and I get to see the PE stud again.)WHoo HOo! <P>Gina <P>------------------<BR>"If we deny love that is given to us,if we refuse to give love because we fear pain or loss,then our lives will be empty,our loss greater!"-----Anonymous----<p>[This message has been edited by w.g.up.h (edited September 04, 2000).]

Yes, the custodial parent always gets to be the 'bad' guy. But in the long run our children will know who was the one that was there for them in times of real need or crises (even if the crisis si breaking up with your first girlfriend, or not making the basketball team this year....)<P>My X knows this too, because his Mom & Dad were divorced when he was about 7......history repeating itself (I hope not). He's much closer w/his Mom - doesn't really have much of a relationship with his Dad. He knows.......he knows. And I think that knowledge does make him sad. Although when he was living w/us his interest wasn't exactly at home and he didn't spend all that much time with the boys anyway - he thinks he did, but they and I know better.<P>I know you know all this......sometimes I just need to repeat it to myself. <P>Do you have any plans for your vacation? Mine has consisted mainly of cleaning up around the house before the boys start back to school. Haven't even been golfing much...the weather hasn't been all that great and most of my friends are taking this weekend for a little family vacation before school starts.

I think friends means cordial,<BR>no LB's, help out with children decisions<BR>when necessary, and occasional <BR>dinners together, (after everyone is healed)<P>It means for us that WE go to school parent teacher meetings together, that we go to <BR>children productions, soccer games, etc, but we do not necessarily sit together, but <BR>we watch together, and do not alienate the kids from each other.<P>since divorce is unpleasant, lets not damage the kids with unpleasant feelings between the parents.<P>HOWEVER, second question, if WS decide to believe in MB philosophy, and genuinely decide that they want us back, (and there are never any guarantees in life anyway) why would we not try, just like others here have,<BR>K and Lostva come to mind, one H, one W, once try, to see if it would work.<P>But, the WS would have to commit to MB and its philosphies, etc. why would we not want to try if the WS decides that we really are the best decision?<P>thl<BR>

Gina,<P>I have no advice or suggestions. The folks I've know with kids in your situation have said many of the same things as you.<P>I do know your instincts are good and that you have a good heart. So, I trust that you will do the right thing for you.<P>I'll say a prayer for you tonight.<P>I've wondered how I would handle the kids and my W if she and I fail to re-build or relationship and we seperate. I do know that the kids would want Mommy and Daddy together for some activities; but, I'm pretty sure neither my W nor I would try to stay friends. Most likely, our only contact would concern the kids and financial issues. <P>Well, my weekend has been pretty good and I'm not going to add these thoughts to the tension tonight. My little girl starts tomorrow and I need to help get the kids into bed.<P>Hang in There!<P>Scott

I do not understand how you could complain that he wants to be friends. Do you realize how bad it is for the children when he won't go to their medical or educational appointments if I am there, he won't set foot in the house even when the kids have something to show him, or even if I am not there? Do you know what it is like to have your 7 year old state matter of factly that Daddy hates you? Although he probably did not use the word "hate", he did tell the kids he didn't like me, that he made a mistake marrying me. Another child said that it was obvious that he hated me more than he loves his children.<P>He can not spare more than a couple of minutes to discuss anything about the children. If I email him, he may or may not answer. He seems to view parenting not as a team effort but as a competition. <P>No mixed messages there. He demonstrates to them quite clearly that someone who loves you (or at least pretends to) can turn around and hate you. <P><p>[This message has been edited by Nellie1 (edited September 05, 2000).]

Gina:<P>My x is the same way with me. He wants to be friends and I'm glad. However, I will not go out to dinner with him and the kids "as friends" because I know my 6 year old would think there was a chance of us being a family again. I don't want to give her any false hopes. He is not coming back. <P>I agree with Nellie. I think it is better for everyone's sake if the parents can get along. I'm so thankful that he has never missed a day with the kids and has sacrificed financially so that I can still provide a home and good life for the kids. I don't understand it but I'm glad it has turned out this way and not like so many others.<P>