I am scared and mad. Mad at myself and our therapist. My wife told me to expect the ‘divorce documents’.<p>I am a Pro-Survivor (the husband of an abused individual) was abused (physically and sexually) by her ex. Throughout our relationship, I have NEVER raised my voice or hand at her. Moreover, I have never initiated sex (other than the first time); we agreed that she has always been the initiator, and I have kept that commitment.<p>I met my wife in '85, we moved in together in '89, and married in '93. This was a second marriage for both of us. There is only one child (now 26) by her first marriage, which lasted less than 3 years. This child has called me 'Dad' for the past 7 years.<p>Our marriage has been very good, but this summer she claimed she was confined and that her past (which she has been suppressing) was coming to surface. She started major mood-swings and asked I move to another room, which I did... ...she said she needed space and to be alone. We talked of counseling and we went three times with good results. Between the third and fourth visit she went into a rage and tried to leave the house. I talked her into staying and I left. This was the end of August. At the next visit to the counselor he was shocked and asked that we now meet separately on different nights with him. He has not allowed joint counseling sessions.<p>I would like to add that she has lost 50 lbs. through a controversial diet and has lumps in her breasts, again. She may also be in menopause.<p>Four weeks ago, after I came out of hospital for minor surgery, she asked violently for a divorce, we never talked divorce before. I asked her not to be impulsive, think this out carefully, let the counseling take its course and let us meet jointly with counselor (hoping this would stall the divorce). She agreed and the next day told him No.<p>I must say that the separation has been VERY CIVIL. We still have joint accounts (in tack) as well as credit cards.<p>A week ago, was our daughters’ wedding, whom I walked her down the aisle, a very proud moment for me. I cooked some of the food and prepared ice carvings. The day after Thanksgiving she called me and said she filed on Tuesday. She says she still cares for me, but she needs apace and that I am too confining, that she had to compromise (I know that I feel like I always comprised). She told me not to worry that I would be taken care of financially in the settlement. She also stated that I am her best friend and maybe after a year alone, we can see each other again. She said thank you, because she now knows that she can be loved and be sensual, only because of me. Nevertheless, she said she was mad at me, because at the wedding I squeezed (gently) her hand during the moment her daughter was stating her vows.<p>According to her therapist: Since she left her first husband, she has concentrated on her career and child. She suppressed her anger and many of her emotions. He states that I created an environment that was safe and secure. Over the last three years, she dropped her guard, allowed all that she has been suppressing to come to the forefront. She has called me by his name on numerous occasions. My friends that are Pro-Survivors tell me I lost because when a women who has been abused makes up her mind, she does not change it, especially about men.<p>I do not hate her; I only hate myself, and the therapist. From the moment I moved out, he has concentrated on her past. He has totally ignored our marriage/separation saying it will resolve it self. <p>I am mad at myself because during the last year and a half I have concentrated on starting my own business. This has been an emotion drain and the business has been slow in income production as I am the only consultant and have several clients that owe money. During this time I let things "fall through the cracks", not painting the fence, finishing projects, etc. When she decreased her communication with me, my friends told me that it was a "woman thing" and not to worry.<p>I am mad at myself because I am losing the most valuable thing in my life (my best friend) and I cannot do anything about it. I know that it takes two to tango and have made mistakes.<p>I do not know what to do. I love her.<br><p>[This message has been edited by Timothy (edited 11-30-98).]

Timothy,<p>I wish I knew what to tell you. It appears that your wife has alot of demons to deal with from her past. I agree that she needs to deal with them before she can even begin to deal with the present. It would be ideal for you if she could do it with you still in the picture but it doesn't sound like she can. I think you may need to give her space. That is the hardest thing to do as many in here will tell you. I would take comfort in the fact that she does not say that this is the end. I would maybe ask her if you can just be separated for the year that she has given it. I wish I could be of more help. You will be in my prayers. <p>Steph

Steph - thank you for the prayer.<p>Two weeks before our daugther's wedding I asked her to wait a 6 month separation and she said yes, and agreed to meet jointly with our therapist. The next evening (Wednesday is her session) she told the therapist to tell me "no way, for a joint session". Thursday, I went to the therapist happy and he tells me she doesn't want it, I won't allow it. <p>She tells me one thing to my face and another to others.<p>Three days before the wedding I had a panic attack could not breath, sweat like crazy. I called out therapist and he did not (and still has not) returned my call. I searched the web and found a women site for battered women. I called their 800 number and asked if they could lead me to a support group or something. The counselor on the line told me to Forget Her, when they make up their mind your as good as dead.<p>This Thursday I am suppose to go to out therapist, that trip would be a waste of money!!<p>May God bless you.

Just an observation....I have seen it, in mine and others, in couples therapy before. When a 'councellor' decides he/she can't cope with what is going on with the couple, they opt for seperate sessions. It's called 'divide and conquer'. It is because they are really not couples therapists, they are just therapists and they feel much more comfortable in a one on one situation. Sounds like you need different marriage counsellor.

Hi H =<p>When I complained (after the separate session) that we should be meeting together, he said:<br>She has some very deep issues that would be cleared up quicker if I was not there (was that him talking or her?) and that I was better off reducing my contact and communications with her: to give her the space she needs.<p>I think he did more to kill my marriage that I did!!!!!<p>[This message has been edited by Timothy (edited 12-01-98).]

Sounds a lot like what has happened in my situation. We , my wife and I, were going to the counsellor for about 2 months when she, the counsellor, decides my wife ahs some deep rooted issues that would be better healed in a one on one situation.<p>Fine. If she thinks that, then I'm all for my wife getting better. After just two 'sessions' now my wife says she no longer loves me and that I'm also not to converse about our troubles (because I'm pressuring her). Sounds like I need to get another counsellor, but in actuality, we have just stopped going to her at all. <br>

Timothy,<p>Unfortunatily not all counselors are the right one for any given problem. Is there anyway you could get her to try another counselor? She could continue her seperate sessions with the current one but find a new one for the two of you. I don't know what else to say. You are in my thoughts. <p>Steph