From the beginning, my STBX has told me he refuses to pay me a dime in alimony (he resents me being an at-home mom even tho it's what he wanted when we had them) - and he was extremely pi**ed off when the court said otherwise. He also has said from the beginning he wants the house sold, and I refuse because my children have been moved all over he**'s half acre from state to state for the last year and are finally stable and doing well. Well, recently he has learned of what I'm going for in the settlement (and it's a big slice, y'all should live in Livingston County, MI).<P>He came to get my boys Thursday night to shop. We ended up in an argument and I said to him "Life's tough, isn't it." He said back to me that it's gonna get a lot tougher with a tone of voice that sounded to me like he knew something or he was up so something. He sort of scared me and I called a lot of people that night, including his mother, because it upset me. Well, 5 days later, Tuesday, was my pre-trial. I told my lawyer about his theatening tone. I never made it inside the room. The lawyers went in and I sat outside talking to some other women, Ken came by with a big smile on his face and I told him I don't think they are going to have us come in. He just stood there with this smile on his face, said nothing, and walked away a few seconds later. My lawyer came out and told me as we walked to my car that Ken was given a termination notice at work on Friday (and that Ken claims he didn't know about it before then which seems to be a lie), and that it was suspicious enough to him that he's going to depose Ken's boss (who happens to be one of Ken's best friends) and subpoena his work records. So, basically, he's forcing me to sell the house, daycare the kids, and go to work immediately. My guess is he's not going to look for another job and sit it out and let OW support him for a little while so that they'll be better off later down the road after they force me to do what they want and what's best for THEM, not necessarily what's best for the kids. My lawyer said he's seen it before and STBX is going to be the kind of guy I'll be chasing for the rest of my life for his share of support. God help us.<P>So life stinks again even more than before. The only thing I can think of is to borrow the money out of my mutual fund to hold on to the house and maybe outlast him (his girlfriend may just get sick of it all and supporting him) - my lawyer said this development really doesn't change anything as far as the divorce, and we aren't going to change what we're asking for. Somehow I think I'm screwed now. Wonder if McDonald's is hiring. Maybe I can get a good deal on a trailer.<BR><P>------------------<BR><BR>Kathy

Kathy,<P>Make sure when your child support is ordered that it goed thru the Child Advocate's Office. I get mine even if stbx isn't working, then whatever he owes in arrears is owed to the state. Makes life much simpler and you know exactly when you're gonna get your money.<P>Mitzi

Ouch! Sounds like my ex! Ya know, his trick could back fire too. You see, my ex was working for his dad at the time of our divorce. He was in the process of taking over his father's business...When we walked into court he had paperwork showing that his dad could no longer aford to pay him and had laid him off. So, he took a job building fences for 7.00 per hr. Ya right. Well the judge didn't go for it. The job market in our state was good and the judge told them that. Then the judge set his support for what it would have been at with his past salary. Geez, he didn't like that. Funny, a week later he was back making his higher salary. But, your attorney is right. Your stbx will make you chase after it forever. Just recently my ex quit his well paying job and told the state that he was now working on his own for cash. He was told that they didn't care what he did as long as he pd. his support. He's a month behind now and I have know idea how long it will take for the state to catch up with him. He also has all of his assets in his girlfriends name. Funny, he hasn't exercised his visitation in almost 2 years (he lives 2 miles away) because he's "working so often and so hard". Sadly, divorce is all about money and some parents don't care if their kids suffer just as long as their ex isn't getting it.

Kathy!<P>What a slimeball!! It's not as if child support goes all that far...it is basically just that, barely enough to help support the children with day-to-day things like meals, electricity, and a roof over their heads.<P>I wish I could reach thru and knock on their hollow heads sometimes...how would he have felt towards his father if he had done this to his kids?<P>I'm very lucky, I guess. I know that X will always try to do his best by the kids. I at least have that much faith left in him.

RCoaster-<P>His father did do that to his mother. He lived thru his mother's own suffering (with 4 kids still at home no less). Do these scummy lawyers advise these guys to do these things? Or are they just automatically evil thru and thru. His girlfriend must be as stupid as spit to watch him do this to his family and think it'll never happen to her. All I know is that if he doesn't come up with a job soon, there's no more money past the middle of November. If I wanted to sell the house, I couldn't do it by then. I'm looking foreclosure straight in the face. He doesn't care that he wrecks my credit (or his own) which affects my ability to take proper care of the children. It's so hard to believe there is so much evil in the world! It's so hard to believe this is the man I was in love with a year ago. Yes, I also thought he'd never do anywhere near the things he's doing, and the kids mean nothing to him anymore, nor does anyone in his family. He has only one scumball brother that will still talk to him, no one else. What I can't believe also tho is that his boss (who knows me) actually is helping him screw me over. Where is the justice? When men do this kind of stuff, there should be a way to make them pay, and I don't mean $10 a month until he's up to date. I mean that big ole IRA of his should be fair game to pay his responsibilities when he decides to be unemployed.<P>I'm so frustrated. I never thought it would come to this. He disgusts me - and I still have to watch him visit with the kids he's hurting (which alone is becoming a rare thing anymore).<P>I could go on and on, and I feel slightly better now, but still I'm on my way to financial ruin and I can't stop him or her. It's the worst thing when all you feel all day long is panic racing thru your chest and utter despair for your children who have no idea how rotten dad is.<P>I think I'll go visit the neighbors and get outside at least - that might help. Thanks to everyone for being here and so understanding.<P>------------------<BR><BR>Kathy

Kathy,<P>Thank goodness you have a good attorney. Isn't it a horrible commentary that he is gleeful that he was fired??? Its good you know all the assets, seems to me that IRA is a good thing to set your sights on anyway - I saw a bit on the news and have read a couple articles on Stay-at-home moms who get divorced - you all have a double whammy when retirement hits, not having put in the years in a plan - they suggested forget the house (which most women go for because of the children) and go for the retirement assets. Boy, wonder how he would feel losing that. Maybe then he'd have just a touch of the financial horror a stay at home mom faces. Something to think about.<P>Boy, how I envied women who were able to stay home with their children - I resented having to work all these years with kids, but under the circumstances, guess it was good I never thought I could quit. What a horrible choice to make. Raise your kids, or ensure a reasonably good retirement. You shouldn't be punished for being a good mother. I really hope your attorney nails him.<P>

Ya know what Honey-<P>I actually have almost as much as he does in an IRA (I worked for a VERY good company prior to kids), so I can only get half of the difference between the two. My plan right now is to dip into mine just to keep the house out of foreclosure until the final trial and settlement, letting the judge know of course that I've done that and maybe ask for reimbursement from STBX's IRA on top of the half I'm gonna get. When I get his half, I think I can replace whatever I've taken out and used. I guess I have 6 months. My accountant friend said that my income/tax level is so low that the penalty would be probably nothing to me. I am not going to give up the house because the IRA is a given from what I heard. In Michigan, because I've been an at-home mom it is a pretty typical thing to see the man have to maintain the house 100% during alimony and then 50% until the youngest child is 18, then it's sold and split (I think Illinois has the same thing). That's what I'm going for. They also have nice little laws about alimony in my case so I'm going for the most on that too, and have been told by other men in my county that STBX might as well take off his shirt before going into the courtroom because he won't be needing it. I've heard it's not unusual for a man to be paying more than half his salary in support. The problem is that I will have to keep on my toes and will be probably be tracking him down forever and keeping the house keeps me tied to him somewhat and takes a big risk on him doing as the judge orders.<P>Of course, I've heard these things from other people and HOPE them to be true, but don't count on it. He thinks I'm using the kids as pawns to sit on my butt!! What a jerk. If I didn't have kids, I'd be long gone having a job and a life and some precious freedom. Some men just don't understand that us mom's are all about our kids - we are always last in line on our list of what matters. My list used to be God, H, kids, then me. I NEVER bought myself stuff with extra money - it was always something for the kids or him. I'd get myself a new bra only when I've ripped thru the current ONE I had, and only when the rip was not mendable! I lived like a pauper to let my family have good things first. Again, what a jerk. Thanks Honey.<P>------------------<BR><BR>Kathy

Yes!<P>My priorities were in the same order, that was what I considered my "mistake" in the marriage that contributed to the wandering. I came last - I was pretty much the glamorous working woman before kids, but never had time for me, after they came. But what woman has time for a candlelit bubblebath with toddlers running around? The only luxury I had for years, was getting the occasional 6 hours sleep in a row. And shopping for me? Forget it! I thought I was being selfish, and somehow taking away from the "family" and the "home." But I wouldn't have changed that - I saw that there is a time and place for everything - I enjoyed all the pampering I did for myself when I was single, and married with no children - but I no longer had the desire when I had a family. It seemed like it was appropriate to be self-centered then, but when you have kids, everything changes, the family becomes paramount, and things that were terribly important before, suddenly seem frivolous and unimportant. Like I suddenly grew up. Unfortunately, I was alone in my maturation, and my x remained as self-centered as ever. <P>Good to see your legal ducks in a row, so to speak. You sound quite a few steps ahead of your husband. Which, I must confess, makes ME gleeful.<P>I really hate this attitude I see in men, who feel that the stay at home mom was somehow, getting away with something - just reinforces my belief that the NOW feminists did women a disservice, and do not represent the mindset of the majority of American women. Instead of providing an atmosphere that women had choices, that it was alright for women to: stay at home with kids; work while raising kids; or choose NOT to have children and pursue a career - Now, we HAVE to do everything, and if you don't WANT to do everything, there is something wrong with you. And we women certainly don't need any more things to feel guilty about...So I consider myself an equality feminist, rather than a gender feminist.<P>Hope it all works out so you can come to Nashville!<BR>

<B>Before</B> you get behind on the house payments, make sure you write a letter to the mortgage co. explaining the situation. They don't want to foreclose any more than you.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>