Hi Discarded,<P>I have been thinking about your situation and would like to share with you a bit of mine in hopes that it might help you. I don't presume that all the pieces will fit your situation, but some might. <P>I used to think that my life with my STBX was fairy tale wonderful. We had that instant attraction and had been together ever since we met. We had a warm, comfortable way of being, took trips every year to places, and shared our lives by working together to achieve our dreams. I thought we'd always be together and nothing could come between us.<P>And then things got weird. We separated, and I found out there was another woman. Then, I found out there were many other women stretching back for years. <P>I cried of course. I turned my back on him and filed for divorce. I didnt' understand how this could have happened to our fairy tale life.<P>But, reality set in and I realized that the end of the fantasy was one of the most wonderful things that could have happened to me because now I could see that my H was really just a man like all other men. He was fallible. I made mistakes. He made mistakes, but if we could overcome this together, we'd have a marriage that was unbeatable. We had enough love to overcome everything, right? And so I swallowed my pride, and I tried.<P>Well, things did not come together so neatly just because I had a change of heart. My H vacillated. He wanted to come home, but he didn't want to face himself, change, go to counseling, tell me the truth, face the past or stop carousing. That wasn't good enough for me. I didn't want our old life. I wanted something real, true, and meaningful. <P>Eventually, I gave up on having that and just looked forward to when our divorce would be final. 6 weeks ago I was told that our court day would be set anytime between 2-8 weeks. So, we could have a date any day now and our marriage will be over.<P>My H has been over here constantly for the last few weeks. He has been revealing his thoughts and just hanging out, like he's looking for a place to get away from his home and his OW. He has stopped sleeping with the OW and is no longer interested in her. He has hinted about coming home. A week or so ago, he even asked if he could, but I am not interested.<P>Basically, what I am trying to say is that I believe your marriage wasn't the fairy tale you portray because it rarely is. (I don't mean this in an insulting way, but you did say that your sex life was limited and you just thought that was the way things were). There are problems in all relationships, and it is not until we recognize them that we can begin to fix them and have something that is worthwhile. <P>I am also trying to say that there is always hope. I tried and tried to regain our marriage. I needed to be the devoted wife who was there "til death do us part". I struggled more to be the person that I wanted to be than because I thought he deserved it, but there was also a part of me that wanted him to live up to my dream of him too. I also needed to prove to the world that my H loved ME, not those whores. <P>I can't say what it was that made him turn around. Maybe it was Plan A. I can't really tell you, but here he is. After years of cheating, here he is.<P>I don't know if your marriage can be saved at this point, but I think if you work on YOUR issues, see what things you were responsible for and make a commitment to change that, you will come out ahead, with or without him. I think if you see your relationship through a microscope instead of rose colored glasses, you will have a better appreciation of what was real and what was in need of repair. It is all a growing thing. It can only make you a more satisfied person. <P>If you find someone else in time or return to your H, you will have better skills to make that relationship happier. If you move on alone, it will be a peaceful "alone." Either way you will be more confident and self -assured and maybe then your H will see in you the things he always loved and his rose colored glasses will come off too.<P>You can concentrate on your pain and loss. I think it is necessary to grive, but if you don't ever leave that spot, you will always limit the amount of joy you can have. When you begin to live for yourslef, you become your own light as well as light for others.<P>Your years with your H weren't wasted. You shared a family and many happy times. If that ends, it doesn't mean the rest of your life ends unless you let it. You still have a whole lot to learn, see, and do.<P>Best of luck to you! I hope your sadness ends soon.<p>[This message has been edited by popeye (edited September 09, 2000).]