It has now been a month since my husband has stopped communicating with me. The worst part is that it has gotten easier for me to deal with. The last time I cried was Thanksgiving. <br> We spent Thanksgiving at my parent's house. The first holiday since my aunt died last month ( the speaking stopped after I came back from her funeral). I cried a few times (going outside so I wouldn't disturb anyone). My family understood my feelings of sadness. They know my husband has shown no support or affection since the funeral and don't understand it but keep him involved with the family hoping he would "come to his senses". During dinner, I said I would take the potatos he was holding. He continued to hold them, until my sister took them. I made a comment to him about ignoring me with the food and went to the bathroom to collect myself for a minute. When I came out he was out eating with the kids in another room. My sister got mad and told him to eat with the rest of us ( I asked her to stay out of it and not say anything). On the way in, he told me he was tired of my attitude today. I didn't even reply to him. Just bit my tongue. Sat at the table but didn't eat. Just felt miserable because he feels I have an attitude if I'm sad. I did not make any remarks to him or about him, and keep my mouth shut when he makes hurtful or sarcastic remarks to or about me. This because if I reply back he says I just want to argue and he's tired of it. So, I have given him what he wants, no communicating and he seems happy with it. <p> He has slept on the couch for a month. Speaks only about the kids or bills. I'm just living like this. I've decided I can no longer take responsibility for his actions. I have left the door open for him, but he is gonna have to enter it himself. I'm done begging for his love, and will no longer accept false promises.<p> Anybody else going through the same situation?

Aileen,<p>You just think that it has gotten easier because both of you have gone into withdrawal. Problems will not just go away without talking about them. Ignoring the problems and each other will not fix it but I think you know that. I know it is hard and very emotional to do but you can not let things continue in this way. You probably have the fear that if you confront him then he will leave you. I had that fear and lived with it for five years. Then I got strong and took care of myself. I learned that I deserved and good have better. Once I confronted him I also learned that he didn't want to leave either. As hard as it will be you need to gather the strength to confront him. It may seem better to you to not but read all the other posts and you will see that it is not the way. I have the feeling that there is more to the story than you have told but from what you say this is the advice I have to offer. My prayers are with you as they are the others. Good Luck. <p>Steph

Steph,<p> I agree there has to be some sort of confronting, but if I confront he just says it is all in my head and withdraws more. We have been through this cycle 3 times in the past year. Both times before I told him if he didn't want to participate in the marriage, I would prefer that he just leave and bring some closure. He did until I begged him to come home. The last time was in July, when he said he was working on getting a divorce but it takes time. I told him if that was the case to move out then. Both times it only lasted a week. Nothing was ever resolved, I just gave in.<p> Two things that I have considered that might be behind his behavior are health problems in the last year and money I have received from my aunt's trust and due to receive from her estate. Now that things are better off financially, the marriage has gone down hill. I am a stay-at-home mom. I was never into monetary gains. As long as we had a roof over our head and food on the table, I considered us just fine. My family thinks it may be that male ego thing kicking up. The problem is the lawyer is pushing us to set up our own trusts with the inheritance, and I have to delay doing anything about it because I don't even know where I stand with my husband. <br> My husbands health problems started with deep vein thrombosis in January. He is on Comodone. The doctor has told him he needs to lose weight and exercise, but he says that the doctor is just talking generally and that his weight had nothing to do with the thrombosis. Everything I have read states that immobility and weight is the main cause. Also he supposably still has the clot in his leg. He also suffers from sleep apnea which he also believes is unrelated to weight. It has gotten much worse once he hit over 200 lbs. I end up not sleeping when he does, not just because of the snoring, but because I wait for him to breathe and worry he won't. So, I tend to nag him about taking care of himself. If the weight wasn't causing health problems, I wouldn't care how much he weighed. But while he will go for tests and take medications and surgery, he won't do the one thing he can do himself.<br> Everything that goes wrong is always somebody else's fault. He has never taken responsibility for any mistake. I need to know he wants to have a marriage before I'm ready to try again. I can't go on forever being the one to give in and not get anything in return. In the last 3-4 yrs sex has been only once every month or two, which means those were the nights he would want to spend time with me. Not just watching TV and going to sleep. I seem to be just rambling. Will close for now. Thanks for the advice.<br>he weight wasn<br>tthe weight wasm<br>

Aileen,<p>I can see where you are coming from. He sounds alot like my H. Even down to being overweight and sleep apnea. I wish I could tell you more. There are many approaches to take and different things work for different people. One thing is for sure, withdrawing and giving in just to keep the peace is never the answer. Sooner or later things will blow up. I know what you are feeling though. You don't want to be the only one trying and the only one working on it. I think you have to decide how much you will take. The money could be part of it but I don't think it is the whole cause. Money problems are just usually enhanced by other resentments. Decided now if you want the marriage or not and then go from there. Most importantly take care of yourself. Don't let yourself be swallowed up in the stress of holding it all together. Good Luck. <p>Steph

Steph,<p> I've decided it is time to concentrate on myself. With 3 boys(16,12, and 2), I have to keep myself together. I let my husband know today that I was going shopping out of town Saturday with my mother and sisters. He replied he wouldn't be home that day. Helping his brother with his business. This after going to the salvage yard for a steering column yesterday at 3:00 pm and returning home after 9:00 pm. Two weeks ago he went to help his brother at 7:00pm and returned at 7:00am the next day. I told him it must be nice not to have responsibilities. He then said he could watch our kids, and would work with his brother on Sunday.( doesn't sound bad without his tone). I told him to forget it; I would stay home. My mother later told me I shouldn't shoot myself in the foot because of anger. So, I've decided I will go. Need to have a day away. Just have to remind myself not to feel guilty for thinking of myself sometimes. So, at least we had some sort of confrontation. A whole minute worth.<br> Good luck with your own situation, and keep yourself strong.<br> Aileen<br>

Aileen,<p>You sound just like me. You are right about not feeling guilty for asking him to be a parent. You need to stand up for yourself and your needs. If needs be get a baby sitter even if he is home. I did that once and my H always watches the kids now. Don't let him think that he can force you into his will. Also making them feel guilty about it doesn't work either. It just makes them mad. You can stand up for yourself and not be too confrontational. I hope you have fun this weekend. I did that same thing the weekend before Thanksgiving. It was very good for my soul. Just don't let him bring you down. I'm here for you. Good Luck. <p>Steph

Although my situation is different, I have to agree iwth Steph about eh withdrawal. I find that my H and I get along real well when we are busy and ignore our relationships----to a point. For us the blow up is when he wants to have sex (this takes about 4-6weeks for him) and then I get mad because he just wants to do it and won't pay attention to me for another month or so. But many things can trigger the blow up. Just take car of yourself. Son't make being insocnsedrate easy for him. Take the time to go shopping. It sounds like he has plenty of time for himself. You deserve some also. Even if you aren't participating in the relationship together---you both are still and always will be parents together.

I need to clear up a misunderstanding. My husband is usually very good at doing his share with the kids. He would always volunteer to handle them if I had things I needed to do(usually visiting my aunt) and would even watch my nephews with hardly any complaints. The problem is when he tells his brother he will help him with his business(usually because a "partner" quit), and "forgets" plans I had made months ago. Then its like I'm the one putting his brother in a bind. <br> I am starting to get a little hopeful(dangerous if like in past). He told me he would be home Saturday. So, I'm going. Also, the last few days, he's been walking our 2 yr. old around the block in his wagon. I think the exercise will improve his outlook on life if he keeps it up. Maybe I'm reading too much into one day, but it gives me hope that he is doing some things on his own. <br> Aileen

Well, should have known better than hope. Spent last night finding all the porn sites my husband has been on recently. Also, he took his whole paycheck(bimonthly) out of his account. Guess he feels he doesn't need to contribute to household finances. Towards the end of last month, I starting taking out my Christmas check (we deposited it in his account when I left for the funeral)and put it in an account I opened because of the way he's been acting. I wanted to make sure the kids and I have something to survive on not knowing what his plans are anymore. I've been using it for groceries, etc. Guess it was a good thing I did or who knows what he would do with it.<br> I've even started documenting everything(bank statements, nights he was gone, etc.) just in case. I feel cheap doing this, but if he is planning to leave, I want to protect us. I feel like I'm married to a stranger. How does a person change so quickly. Or maybe I've just been in denial since now.

Aileen,<p>I'm sorry to hear what he has done. You do need to take care of yourself. I think you should also confront him about what you have found. I know finding the strength to do that is hard but you can't just sit back and let him do this to you. You can confront him in an non-attacking way but I wouldn't let him just slip into the cracks. Take care. If I can help at all let me know.<p>Steph

Steph,<p> My sister says that my now she would have killed him, but confronting does not work with him. I did confront him a bit this evening when going to the store and McDonalds. Asked him if he wanted me to bring him back anything or was he not going to be around for dinner again? He replied, "I don't know". A few minutes later he said he didn't want anything. That's the usual reply if I confront him(I don't know). Was it supposed to mean he didn't know if he would be home or what? Confronting always ends up with everything being turned on me, like I'm to blame for everything.<br> I told my sister that for now, I'm just gonna hold my tongue and see if that works. Confronting him in the past did not work, he would say I make him lie, etc. But, in the meantime I have to cover my backside. As much as I love him, I can't continue being treated like this. Maybe in a month or so, my feelings of grief for my aunt's death will subside enough for me to deal with this better, but right now I have lost my aunt(with alzheimer's, its almost like losing a child) and am not ready to deal with losing my marriage.<br> You are a big help just by listening and offering support. Thanks.<br> <br> Aileen

Aileen,<p>I hear where you are coming from and you need to do what you feel is best for you. I think in some marriages there is a time and a place for things to be confronted and only you can know when that time is. I hope that I do help you some and I will always be here for you. I must say that being able to come to this forum has at least helped me to vent and not be an emotional wreck all day. I get it out here and then go on with life. Take care of yourself Aileen. Have fun shopping today. Remeber that you are good. <p>Steph

Steph,<p> I see from your own post, you've had a bad day. It's hard when you think its getting a little better and your husband throws you another loop. Hope it gets better.<br> Enjoyed my day shopping. It was 1:00am before I got home, but we got alot of shopping done, had dinner after, and celebrated my Dad's birthday. Then 1 1/2 hr. ride home. Tired, but waiting for sheets to dry before bed.<br> As soon as I came in the door, my husband informed me he was going to his brother's. Earlier in the evening my son called me on the cell phone asking if I had a spare key to the van, so my husband could drive him to the mall(I rode with sister, and left van home in case they went anywhere; he has pickup). I told him H. has always had a key to van, used it when I went to funeral and would always use it in the past. He then told H. I said he had a key. Then said H. said he threw it away. Can anyone explain that one to me? Or why he goes to brother's at 1:00am? It's all irrational to me. Just venting my frustrations on the forum to keep myself sane.<br> Aileen<br>

Aileen,<p>I'm glad you had a good day shopping. If I knew why our H's act like they do I think I could win the nobel peace prize. Yes I was having a bad day but today is better. Of course he is still away on his trip. Hang in there and remember to smile. <p>Steph

Aileen,<br>Sounds like things are not too good at your house, and haven't been for a while.<p>I hate to be the one to say this, and maybe I am the only one who has picked up on it, or even maybe I am picking up on something that is not there, but is your H seeing another woman? I would be personally really worried if my H left home at 1:00 am to go to his brothers to do work, or left at 7:00 pm and come home at 7:00 am. His behavior seems very secretive to me. Not as a suggestion on checking up on his actions, but have you ever called his brothers and spoken to him when he has left for so long?<p>From a practical standpoint, i would do nothing with bequest from your aunt. I would not include H at this point in any plans for this money. From a stricly protectionist point of view, you need to take care of your kids and yourself. <p>Hope none of this was crass; just trying to be practical and business-like.<p>For your sake, I hope that he is not having an affair. Be strong and remember that you have the God-given right to be happy. This is the only life that He has given us, and we do not have the right to waste it in worthlessness. <p>Good luck and keep posting for sanity reasons!<p>Maria

Well he came home at 3:30pm today. Just came in and talked to kids. Marie, I don't feel you were crass. It would be logical explaining his behavior if he was having an affair. But usually if you were having an affair the hygeine level would go up, etc. When he went to the salvage yard for 6 hrs., he came home dirty. My sister saw him leave his brother's house that night right before he came home. And he has stayed over at his brother's in the past when we fought. I'm just not sure he would be willing to devote enough energy into an affair, but I haven't totally shut out that possibility.<br> Yes, I am making sure I protect my inheritance for the kids and me. I'm going to go ahead and make the trust in my name only. I can still name him a beneficiary for now and change it later if needed.<br> Still can't believe he didn't buy any groceries yesterday. He did take 2 of the boys to the drugstore in his truck, but I came home to almost no milk, soda, bread, etc. I made sure supplies would be low for Saturday so that maybe he would use some of his paycheck towards them. Ordered pizza for dinner was all. <br> I'm still waiting before making any confrontations. It always gives him reason( in his own mind) to excuse his behavior because "he wouldn't have to get away if I wasn't complaining all the time". Waiting to see what excuse he will come up with this time, since he can't use that one.<br> What would we do without this forum?<p> Aileen

Well,had a "confrontation" today by written word. I printed my posts the yesterday and left them upside down near the computer. Figured he could read them if he chose and maybe he would start to understand if there was no arguing. He gave me a written reply before going to work this afternoon. <br> As usual, he blames me for everything. Said I said hateful things on the way home from the airport. Just talked about the trip until he fell asleep, and then didn't say anything the rest of the way. He makes these general accusations, but will never give me a specific example of these "hateful things". Angry that I'm discussing this on the forum and have discussed some of it with my family. Sorry, but if I talked to no one my self esteem would be all gone again.<br> Blamed me for his not sleeping in the bed. Has to go out to his brothers to keep from yelling because he's mad. Says I do nothing but b--ch and complain, so he doesn't talk. Says it could have been someone else(boys) on porno sites. Yes, but not in the middle of the night, when he is sleeping on the couch. Says our sex problems are not just him but me too. I thought I said as much on the posts. Said we don't communicate. Really hard to when someone decides they will not talk if there is any disagreement. He felt he put me in a "bad position" Thanksgiving. What is a "bad position"? That his actions were in public instead of hiding it in private. Said his health is between him and his doctor, and none of my business. <br> Oh, and said he would never have had an affair like some would. I had said I didn't believe he was.<br> So, as usual it's all my fault according to him. I will continue on the forum. Otherwise I might go back to believing it is all me. I thought I had pointed out some of his good points also on these posts(used to end calls with"I love you", Did his share of kid duties, etc. Oh well, just getting this out before writing my reply to his reply.<br> Aileen

Aileen,<p>(((( HUGS ))))<p>They usually attack and blame when the truth hurts them. Stand up for yourself. You don't have to fight with him but maybe you could convince him to get some counseling even if it is just to help you. This is how I got my H to go. Told him that in order to fix myself I needed for him to tell his side of the story. I don't know what else to say. Just know that I am here for you. <p>Steph

Steph,<br> Thanks for the support. I am pretty certain he would agree to counseling, but I want to know he wants to save the marriage, not just use it as a prelude to divorce. In his reply, he talked about continuing to be a good father, never mentioned wanting to save our marriage. Trying to stand up for myself but not destroy our marriage either. It would be so easy to cave in and take the blame(feeling really down tonight), but I know I can't do it this time. He just makes me feel so confused,guilty, and alone. <br> Hope your situation is going ok. Does anyone's marriage on this forum actually work out in time?<br> Aileen<br>

Talked today, if you can call it that. Husband feels I'm being one-sided on here. I do discuss my feelings on here, but try to put out the situation as fair as I can. Feels everything boils down to money with me. Part of this because I withdrew the X-mas check. Will not listen(hear) my reasons. <br> I know we both contribute to the problems in our marriage, but if it can't be discussed instead of just accusing, how can it improve? I just want to be listened to sometimes, and if we disagree on the problem, to try to see where each other is coming from. <br> Well, doesn't look like things will improve around here. He feels I shouldn't be talking about us with strangers. "getting advice" from anyone outside the marriage. Never heard the part in my reply that I love and want him, or heard and doesn't care. <br> If I've been one-sided only,someone please offer opinions.<p> Aileen